Best Squishes

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I am always startled to hear a woman claim she doesn’t own a vibrator.

... I mean, what, are you nuts?

There really isn't any social stigma about it anymore, either. Let’s conduct an experiment: All you ladies who do not own a vibrator, please raise your hand.

Now look over the edge of your cubicle. Do you see any hands other than your own?

Ladies, ladies … this is, like, the Twenty-First Century or something; there are tiny, concealable, subtle technologies available that can bring you instant sexual gratification virtually anywhere!

I wish men were so lucky.

If that was true for us, we would carry them proudly displayed on leather tool belts -customized with a "quick draw" feature- and probably have an emergency holdout stashed in our boot.

We would have them in the file cabinets, and several would be rolling about the floorboard of the car.

One would be welded on the television remote, a half dozen would be forgotten between the mattresses and under pillows, and backups would arrive in the mail in virtual perpetuity (one by land, two by sea, et cetera).


***

It is long overdue for women to cast off these iron chains of sexual repression, and raise those little colorful plastic bastards in the air to be counted! Use them defiantly on busses, trains, and airplanes. Use them on the subway and in the library. And make that statement all across the world: hold massive “Buzz-Ins” at City Hall to be broadcast on CNN and the BBC until power plants fail and the city lights flicker and dim.

Civilization as we know it will grind to a standstill before
the might of your vast and squirty moaning numbers.
And as God as my Witness, I will start a vibrator repair shop -no, a college; I'll call it "Vibrator Tech University", and involve myself heavily in funding Research and Development. Plans for the first fusion-powered triple-headed "back massager" have already been drafted.

Well obviously the time has come, ladies. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

And maybe not having anything to put in the flashlights during the subsequent blackouts.