Ask LOBO

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People are always asking me, "LOBO, how is it you live in this lavish palace, drive powerful, exotic cars and fight off supermodels left and right ... but we never see you doin nothing but blog?"

Well, I'm glad you asked me that.

See, hiddin under my desk is a secret, state-of-the-art ankle-building right-sided isometric micro-blogger gymnasium, specially designed by Bowflex.

You know those kickass ankles on page 4 of the GNC pamphlet?

That's me.

Admittedly, they hadda use some CGI to make both my ankles look identical: there's simply no way for one mortal human to be able to bulk up on both like that ... honest to God I took every steroid I could get. I could get 'em pretty big, but I couldn't keep that whole 'vein' thing workin.

Without steroids, my ankles were as boring as some pale cotton candy-scarfing dork walking around the beach boardwalk getting sand kicked in his face, lugging around smooth, ladylike La-Z-Boy recliners with feet. Now I can't even get to the boardwalk and beat that lilly-assed poser into paste: I got sectionals with veins, bitch! Booyah!

But what did abusing steroids get me ultimately? One Sunday, I ended up kicking a football that ripped a guy totally in half. Boy was my face red when I hadda explain to some kid that his dad's upper torso would have to be lowered from the goalpost by several firemen for a proper burial.

Let this be a lesson to all you Little-Leaguers: sure taking steroids can get your picture in a lot of cool magazines ... but the downside is you will have to go to a lot of boring meetings with pricey, unhappy lawyers discussing them.

Still, if you think the powerful and exotic cars are cool, my crutches get ESPN and can text message.