Leperball

Yes, it’s almost Fantasy Football time again. Want to sign up for my amateur league? Send an email to “carpenoctum at hotmail dot com." But act quickly -it is first come, first served, and almost half the spots are already taken.

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People are always asking me, "LOBO, with basketball season over and football not yet in full swing, how does a legendary athlete such as yourself spend your leisure time?”

Well I’m glad you asked me that.

See I’ve always believed that people as gifted and successful as myself should spend a lot of time giving back to the community: encouraging the "less fortunate" to try and become a chiseled physical phenomena such as myself is exactly the false hope today’s kids need to keep them from dealing drugs, stealing my car, or other things 'the community' generally frowns upon.

With Shark Boxing still tied up in pre-production due to a quagmire of insurance hassles, I generally spend my weekends coaching a Pop Warner pee-wee football team called the Starfishes -a spirited and rugged little squad of ‘can do’ types, all afflicted with advanced stages of leprosy.

This is my third year -the first of which I am Federally mandated to because of the “Anti-Discrimination Act”: little Timmy's dad used it to sue me when I puked at the post-game pizza party and tried to resign.

Little Timmy is now quarterback.

His little dad must be so proud ...

-Check out my 2010 Fantasy Football Pre-Drafting Tips!

UFC Headline Match Cancelled Due to Japan Earthquake

Predator Press

[LOBO]

While UFC President Dana White did not accept questions, his words peel through clearly: the 2012 AMA Madison Square Garden Match of the Century -contracted at a whopping $7b- will indeed not be taking place as billed.

“We are looking at 2014,” says White cautiously. “But while Godzilla’s alibi for the 2011 Earthquake is airtight, we did come across some information that is troubling in the process. In the interest of the sport, we have declared Godzilla ineligible for competition until further notice.”

While White tactfully avoided the controversy of Godzilla’s recently testing positive for Gamma Ray radiation, he admits, “Gamma Rays can potentially make your skin stony, give you an elastic-like ability to stretch, give you the ability to set yourself aflame and fly, or -via invisibility- let Sue Richards give Reed 24/7 shit until he is driven to a suicide-by-cop killing spree.”

“We are stunned,” says Mothra’s trainers. “After studying hours and hours of Gamera fight footage, we never once suspected any ‘juicing.’ I guess it only makes sense if you’re 45,000 years old.”

But while Mothra’s camp has been considerably restrained on the subject, Chuck Liddell -formerly accused of injecting Charlie Sheen Tiger Blood- has not.

“I will eat Baby Godzilla the morning of the match,” says Liddell. “And I will crap Baby Godzilla all over Godzilla’s defeated carcass!”

All Blogs Go to Heaven

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Getting back into the blogging “groove,” I’ve done some visiting to old friends’ blogs -and found many of them are either dormant of gone entirely.

In possession of an unprecedented and staggering intellect -the equivalent of a hundred men or five or six women- I am forced to conclude that, in addition to Twitter and Facebook watering down our numbers, we are up against a battle for relevance.

The choice is clear: to rise once again to former glory, we bloggers must either focus ourselves on topics of social significance or start doing pornography. And because my beloved wife stubbornly won’t let me do porn, my current options appear fairly narrow.

Undeterred, I have decided that Predator Press will have to be a blog of Social Conscience, thus the pacecar for the generations of blogs to come. And it is in pursuit of these lofty goals that I announce -without equivocation- that Predator Press has solved two of the greatest problems ever to face humankind simultaneously: that of 1) forever being free of Middle East oil, and B) the elimination of abortion.

What am I specifically speaking of? The single most overlooked, most economic, and most renewable energy source the United States has ever had: orphans.

First of all, unless they are in a musical, nobody really likes orphans. They are grubby and smelly, often terrible at shoplifting, and do nothing but complain. As CEO of the most profitable orphanage in New Jersey, I can‘t tell you how sick I am hearing that same ol‘ singsong bullshit all day and night, “O I wish I had a mom and dad,” or “I’m so hungy!” Orphans, left to their own devices, are nothing but inexhaustible whiners.

-But we can change all that. Why have big ugly windmills blocking your skyline when you can lay them down and have orphans spin those now-inconspicuous blades for you? And with some advance planning, we don’t have to give up our kewl cars either: 20 buried orphans will, in a few years, completely replace the much-maligned dinosaur and the fuel it produces. And c’mon … what the fuck have dinosaurs ever done to you? Has a dinosaur ever abandoned mopping the floor to break into some annoying weepy song and/or monologue, thus exposing you to potential slip-and-fall lawsuits from your dinner guests?

Crash test dummies can cost thousands of dollars. Impact-absorbent NASCAR walls can run into the millions. And forget the delight of simply punching one; have you ever tasted orphan meat? It’s like tofu: it takes on whatever flavoring you add. Why eat, say, endangered bald eagles when there are thousands of these little bastards … and they are virtually everywhere?

I say the potential untapped technologies based on an ample and replenishable orphan supply have been ignored for far too long, and it seems to me Humanity owes it to the Mother Earth to give it a shot.

FTWL

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I didn’t even like real football, let alone the fantasy variety.

I started participating in the HBFFL with the simple goal of selfish cross-promotion; indeed the team managers are some of the best bloggers around, and -win or lose- it was an opportunity to rub elbows with others showing glimpses of the inspired braniosity which I radiate.

This year will be my third, and I’m completely jazzed.

And a week or two ago, I contemplated my good fortune. Most football fans that don’t play either scoff at the concept of fantasy leagues, or seem a bit mystified and intimidated by the mechanics of “taking the plunge.” Thus, the HBFFL was a rare and unique opportunity for me to get my feet wet.

With this in mind -and finding the HBFFL had filled up quickly this year- I founded the Fantasy Training Wheels League -or FTWL. For most, it will be a League dedicated to rookie fantasy managers … for me, it will be a chance to experiment with some tantalizing non-traditional lineups.

But I need 5-7 more players. If you’re interested, please leave a method of contact in the comments of this post or send me an email at "carpenoctum at hotmail dot com" before the end of this month.

Thanks!

Don't forget to check out my 2010 Pre-Drafting Tips!

Harvester of Marrow

Predator Press


[LOBO]

This “blog,” while still somewhat of a pipsqueak, reaps some benefits Entrecard. Aside from an occasional random-seeming traffic burp, it averages 300-500 hits a day -roughly half of which are directly EC-related.

And I am what Entrecard users classify as a “Harvester.” Harvesters are the villainous and much-hated dastardly bastards that skim through sites at the highest velocity possible. The rate I “drop” versus the rate I read is hideous: when an Entrecarder blogs “I get a lot of new traffic, but they only stay for a fraction of a minute -clearly not reading,” they are complaining about me.

But let’s examine that for a second.

You got people to your site. Correct?

-And nobody reads your stuff?

So your conclusion is the failure to recognize your “brilliance” is because nobody recognizes your brilliance, right?

The fact is getting people to your blog is 95% of the battle; I assert that complaining they don’t stick around is essentially howling to potential new readers “My blog sucks, and it's your fault!” I'm concerned over zombie uprisings and the worrying speculation my burnt toast might’ve once had Jesus’ image on it: don't take it personally, but WTF could I possibly care about your coin collecting and Peruvian copper speculations? Gee, I’m sorry I wandered onto your site. Is there a quiz?

You’re an asshole for bitching that -despite the best possible opportunity- you have failed to grab people’s attention.

-You're probably a zombie too. And stay the fuck away from my toast!!!

I have found some great sites via EC. I've gained some great readers, too. Beyond that, I've clicked on a site 100 times before seeing something that interested me, and then started reading it regularly.

Plus, let's face it: we “Harvesters” are the best EC ads to buy. I’m not particularly disciplined, but I have enough regulars to break 100 or so a day daily –and with high-speed internet, I can do it in 20 minutes or so. Thus, if you’re advertised on my site, you’ll get the bulk of those hits reciprocated.

EC whiners shouldn't feel bad. Human history is chocked full of unrecognized "brilliance."

They won’t be lonely.

Dear Entrecard,

Predator Press


[LOBO]

My first email was just a simple suggestion, and the Entrecard site says, quote: "We're very keen for any feedback you can give. Complaints about broken things, stuff you like, things you think are pretty or ugly, or even questions you'd like answered."

I can't bring my original query up because it wasn't in conventional email. But my suggestion was "Instead of subverting the ads we spent our credits on, why don't you just phase in "Paid Ads" after 120 seconds or so?"

Brilliant, right?

The response was this:

"Hi,

Thank you for your email. Please restate your question because I'm unsure what you're asking. We have the sponsor ads which Entrecard reserves 15% of the ad network inventory for sponsors.

Please let us know if you have any other questions.

Entrecard Support

This prompted my response:

"Seriously.

-You have NO IDEA what I'm talking about? How about forwarding this email to one of your supervisors?

Lemme simplify:

When you do a "PAID AD" (aka an ad where you subvert our credits for cash), how about making the "PAID AD" (the ad where you subvert our credits for cash) phase in after a minute or so? That way our "CREDITS" -the mystical crap you made up so we get something for spreading the word about your site- is still actually worth something?

-And PS: does EC even have 300 people a day I can "drop" on anymore????"

:)

The Predator Press IQ Test

Predator Press

[LOBO]

The worst economy in the world is associated with:


a) Calcutta

b) California

c) Entrecard


Who loves the most people?


a) Oprah

b) Jesus

c) David Letterman


2+2=


a) 3

b) 5

c) Playing Pictionary with our geeky, jackass neighbors who never bring food, and don’t know **** about ****.


“End of Second Quarter” is another term for:


a) Halftime

b) Twenty-five cents

c) Oh holy crap I hope there’s nobody in the bathroom



If a black hole the size of Manhattan appeared in Pennsylvania:


a) The ACLU would sue it for defamation

b) The price of #2 pennsyils would skyrocket

c) Jon Gosselin has hope for new realty TV series



Result:

IQ=957

See? ALL Predator Press readers are GENIUSES

(Except for guys named 'Travis.' I hate those jerks! Know why King Travis the Second never conquered Rome? 'Cus there never was no King Travis -First, Second or Third: it's a name we just made up, like, twenty years ago! If you're going to bother making up names, try something with cajones .... like 'Chainsaw' or something. Unless you're a guy. If you're a guy, go for 'Todd.')

How to Cheat at Humor-Blogs.com

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Rule #1: Don't Cheat To Get Number One. The #1 spot is under constant scrutiny, and is usually occupied by some asshole. Make yourself, like, number five or so: this modestly elevated status won't raise any eyebrows, and flies under the radar.

Rule #2: For Christ's Sake Do Some Legwork. Upload a goofy photo, and develop favorites for your blogless, soulless fake profiles. And -above all- vote on others occasionally with them. It's kinda like government: suspicions are easily mitigated by letting others profit on your enterprising endeavors.

Plus, anything less than your full creative effort is just plain insulting.

Rule #3: Space Out Your Votes: If your voters are so lazy and vapid they don't have profiles, pictures, or other favorites, what are the odds they are all going to religiously show up within an hour on the two times you post every week?

The Brood Network

Predator Press

[LOBO]

A vague dalliance with "Facebook" has given me an often-unrequested glimpse into the past, and friends from way back are beginning to build their own blogs and web page variants.

One remarked recently that Predator Press was weird.

"Weird!" I says indignant. "Just look at her site. It's like 1000 pictures of her kids she slapped together a few months ago."

"Blogging means different things to different people," Terri defended.

"Well that's weird if you ask me," I retort. "Putting up pictures and the names of your kids on the internet seems like an invitation to weirdoes. And if your audience is weirdoes, that's weird by definition."

"What's your point?" she asks sarcastically.

Skimming, I scroll down to the bottom of the page and find the following quote:


NO TO PLAGIARISM
***Please don't RIP nor COPY any CONTENTS here.***
***LEARN TO RESPECT***


"WTF?" I demand. "Like some retired international jewel thief is scouring the internet for pics of children to claim are his? Imagine the overhead on that operation," I surmise. "The child support alone would be staggering."

Terri chuckles over my shoulder. "She's obviously very protective."

I scowl checking the hit counter. "Well we got kids fair and square. I might want to capitalize on this idea while I can -particularly with Screechy on the verge of moving out on his own."

Terri stares. "He's seven."

"We can't coddle him forever!"

In the Symphony of Dissonance

Predator Press

[LOBO]

On Sunday, Terri came across this great little story on Joshua Bell and we spend a good hour "buzzing" about it: this guy lays a hat down at a subway station and earns $32 in forty-five minutes.

Now the fun comes in when you find out he's one of the best violinists in the world, and a few days prior had sold out a show at the paltry sum of $100 per head. The violin he used? Well I'm guessing he wanted to get a really old one so he could fool his audience, and "beater" violins are hard to come by: this one set him back $3,500,000.

For "non-readers," a good YouTube distillation of it can be found here, and the site Hoax-Slayer asserts the story's truth.

Anywho, boom: switch to Monday Night.

While sifting through blogs a thought crept into my braincase, and I'm particularly aware of this because of the rarity of the event: Why is that Joshua Bell story so interesting? Is clever irony that difficult to find? What makes a good post or story in the first place?

I decided to make a little log of little things -good or bad- that caught my eye as I surfed. I'm not going to link them up as some of them aren't particularly flattering, and I'm far too young and beautiful to die.

But here goes:


Hip Hop Hats:

Are you "positive" you are wearing your clothing correctly?

According to GQ, a properly-placed cap faces the same direction as your toes -unless you were horribly disfigured in a car accident and your toes don't point forward. In this case the bill should be on the same side as the zipper on your pants.

If your toes were horribly disfigured in a car accident and you're wearing parachute pants you're pretty screwed. Start listening to country music instead: those hats are generally invertible.


The Title "Our Journey To Forever":

That slays me. You know how you brain skims lines and finishes sentences for you? While the page loads my brain reads "Our Long, Long, Long, Long Journey ..."

The word "long" isn't even in the damn thing.

This title sounds excruciating; when I visit, I half expect to see skeletons with backpacks scattered around a cobweb-covered egg timer.

If we have 'forever,' I'm just going to chill here for a few thousand years.

Don't wait up.


The Title "A Mother of Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow":

I'm no master of the use of the comma, but this gives me a mother of a headache. You know, the one you inevitably get while watching sci-fi stories about wormholes and stuff?

Okay. Is there only one mother, or are they three different ones? Can 'mother of tomorrow' get me lottery numbers? What if you had the baby the day before yesterday ... who was the mother then? If it wasn't you, how can you be a mother now? What happens to the 'mother of tomorrow' if the ‘mother of yesterday’ decides to wear a condom instead? Can 'mother of tomorrow' beat up 'mother of yesterday' due to better technologies, or would 'mother of yesterday' murder 'mother of tomorrow' before she even knew about it? If 'mother of tomorrow' kills 'mother of yesterday,' mother of yesterday won't exist tomorrow -thus, 'mother of tomorrow' has no one to kill when the scenario arises: what happens then? Is yesterday's tomorrow today -so this whole thing only lasts for a total of three days- or is today tomorrow's yesterday in perpetuity? And if mothers are so good at time travel, why the hell do my socks keep disappearing ... ?


The Terms "Pinay" and "Pinoy":

If my mom said "We're going to the boardwalk, and I'm going to push you around in a stroller with a pinay on top," I would be, like, cool with it. But then I would think Man my mom is weird. And then I would think I couldn't even fit in a stroller, could I? And then I would think WTF is a "pinay?"

Well it turns out "Pinays" aren't those shiny colorful things on a stick that spin in the wind. Those are pinwheels. This whole time I figured maybe a "pinay" was a pinwheel that spins clockwise, and a "pinoy" is one that spins, you know, counterclockwise.

But actual "Pinays" are very heavy in contrast, and often accompanied by large contingents of "Pinoys."

Well good luck getting those on a factory spec stroller.

Mom is just plain 'ol racist and mean.


The Overly-Optimistic Idea Of How Cute Your Kids Are:

Okay, for the last two years we’ve seen a huge surge in stay-at-home mom bloggers. Fine. But moms are notorious for thinking their kids are the “cutest thing” -I think it’s a primitive biological survival trick by Nature so's most of our species is fooled into not leaving them in prom trashcans.

Darwin, I love you ... but yikes, man! Some of these kids have big freaky bulging eyes and that trailer park dentistry where the heavily-gapped teeth seem to whirl and snag in impossibly horrible different directions.

-I don't know how people can sleep with one of those creepy drooling bald things crawling around the house.


Catchy Graphics:

Okay this one requires an example image. Check this out:



Kewl, huh? A powerful, scantily clad-sorceress with decorative intimidating entourage accessories: at first blush this says "Tremble before my blog, ye misogynist dragons!"

-But wait.

Ummmm .... okay. I'f she's preggers, it has to be from the weird blue guy on the far right of the lineup: her +6 Mace of Eye Burning would have likely worked on all the others 'cuz they all actually have eyes. As a result her Child Support will arrive only sporadically, and often in the form of alien heads and pelts.

But if she's not preggers it gets exponentially more complex; wouldn't one of those big scary thugs at some point question her powers -powers that have thus far failed to conjure her up even a Nordic Track?

Well which is she now, a shameless mystical warrior space floozy or a soon-to-be-behemoth, Coors Light guzzling magical fraud? I don't know. But I've come to your blog to be entertained, not to be exhausted by speculation on this woman's brazen equivocation and loose morals. At least she'll be too busy skulking around dungeons to make a blog that I gotta see her kids on.

Still, it does beg the question of what medieval trailer parks might look like. And in a universe utterly devoid of El Camino hubcaps, what in the world would she use as a candy dish? A shield maybe?

-Okay, screw it. This is flat-out the best banner I've ever seen, and I'm "bookmarking" this site.

Anywho the "moral of the story" is sure there's a lot of mind-numbing stuff out there. But don't be one of the 1000 plus people that rushed past Joshua Bell while he's playing his heart out: if any one of them took pause to consider what they might be missing, they coulda bashed him upside the head with a tire iron and grabbed that $3,500,000 violin.

-A violin I could have easily fenced for sixty cents on the dollar.

Visit Angry Seafood and join the
Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football League!

Ask LOBO: How To Blog Part IV

Predator Press

[LOBO]

MILLIONS and millions of readers are always asking me everyday, ”LOBO, if I make a YouTube of me sticking my head in a deep fryer, will I get as many people to visit my blog as yours?”

Well I'm glad you asked me that.

The short answer is “Well, uh, yeah” -but the long answer is more of a philosophical and humanitarian discussion that doesn't smell very good at the conclusion.

In continued offensive olfactory irony, according to Google Analytics the most popular Predator Press post ever shockingly has nothing to do with farts either: Lee Majors Endorses $14.95 Bionic Ear -as a specific Google Search- has placed Number One since it's inception, and to this day has three times as many direct visitors than the distant second.

-On occasion people still comment on it.

But if you think I’ll let cold hard statistical fact I don't understand get in my way, you’re sadly mistaken: I think we should all be doing something entirely different.

As 'Bloggers,' I think we should start ending random sentences with “and then I started killing people.”

(I’m sensing some resistance here, but don’t puss out on me yet.)

I’m not sayin end every sentence with “and then I started killing people” ... just a light dusting will do. 'Less is More' in this case.

I submit this modified excerpt from an e e cummings poem for your consideration:



a pretty a day
(and every fades)
is here and away
(but born are maids
to flower an hour
in all,all)
-and then I
started killing people
Long Live the Robots!

See that?

-And I totally improvised the 'Long Live the Robots' thing.


For the entire Predator Press
"How to Blog" series, click here.

Entretard

Predator Press

[LOBO]




<a href="http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=entrecard+sucks&aq=f&oq="><img border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5168923798517701042" style="display:block;border:0px solid #000000;margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" alt="Courtesy of PredatorPress.com" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8k5Q7GGojpFESxfU1cvsvUOGvQD1xw9dvKb5x-MIOXGkWRoWgNV8RrEhhUU96ihS6i1q08deu82sduQGRGCVOGHjL3Nj2hy0119H8P0i97nwPSIDj6GVEt-o6hQ9yN3n6KBr_yg/s400/Entretard.jpg" img/></a>

"Dropping" Out

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Yesterday, after logging into Entrecard for the first time in a few days, I received the following mind-blowing message:


"Please move widget closer to the top of the page, as per the new 1 page rule, within 72 hours to avoid deletion from Entrecard - thanks!"

-Boy did you guys manage to hit the wrong guy on the wrong day and in the wrong mood.

I use an increasingly rarified two-column template, so people can start reading immediately while the page loads below: if you look -minus a placard and my Playlist- Entrecard is the fourth from the top link out already. By virtue of this policy, Entrecard is essentially demanding to be my first link.

Now lemme explain first how Predator Press advertising works: you bring me traffic, copious amounts of amusement, or cash. Period. An frankly, according to Google Analytics, Entrecard currently sits poised to sink below AllTop -and I would be jazzed to move Guy Kawasaki's creation into Entrecard's slot.

Know why?

-Cuz he did this crazy weird thing I call earning Entrecard's slot.

Furthermore, Entrecard demanding to become my Number One link -even before this "Paid Advertiser" debacle- is statistically laughable; Entrecard has never warranted Number One status in any way, shape or form ever. As a matter of fact -now that I look- I'm thinking the Number Four spot Entrecard currently holds is far too generous!

In response to Entrecard's threat, I was tempted to rectify this "ranking error" (aka "Deep Six" this *ahem* service as appropriate) -but alas, unawares of ever-changing, eh, "standards"- I have already approved numerous Entrecard ads! (See for some, changing up the rules midstream when you have an existing agreement might be considered slightly, well, the word "Immoral" comes to mind.)

(See also: "Dishonest")

(-These buzzwords are loosely affiliated with something called "Integrity." Somebody at Entrecard should look that definition up first.)

Hopefully Entrecard will pull it’s head out of it’s keyster before it’s too late ... but just in case I no longer accept ads. I will, however, honor any ads already in cue.

If Entrecard decides to delete my account beforehand, please –by all means- raise hell for the refund you are entitled to.

I'll help.

-It'll be fun.

Too Many Secrets

Predator Press

[LOBO]

When unfairly cursed by fame such as I have, one must take precautions when going into public.

-Luckily, Predator Press scienticians have devised a series of subtle prosthetics that I may use to walk amongst you undetected –that I may slide “under the radar” so to speak, and drink in the real Americana that most fabulously rich and successful celebrities such as myself often never see.

And it’s true: mine is, as far as I know, the first case in human medical history of actually having sprained his pupils contracting due to sunlight exposure ... but I have been assured this condition is quite temporary, and curable by physical therapy consisting of gradually-increasing increments of the ultraviolet spectrum.

Once this adaptive process is complete, I will be prowling around unobserved and writing stories about “Regular Joes.”

But it might take me a few weeks.

-The television gave me a sunburn.

Ask LOBO: How to Blog Part III

Predator Press

[LOBO]

This installment of How to Blog is dedicated to increasing traffic by utilizing Blogger-Oriented Observations and Bold Statements.

-"BOOBS" for short.

As the primary author of Predator Press, I can’t say enough about BOOBS. Nothing attracts new readers like them, and there shouldn’t be an inch of your blog that isn’t completely devoted to them. BOOBS have forever been the life’s blood of the internet, and without them none of us would be here.

But be warned: you can’t just use any BOOBS. No matter what kind of creative savvy you command, spongy lifeless sulky BOOBS will drag your blog down into depressing obscurity. You want new and upbeat perky BOOBS. Hard BOOBS. Firm, well rounded BOOBS. –BOOBS that when called upon can slam home an exciting and informative lifestyle like a railroad spike.

And don’t get locked into specific BOOBS either: they might make your blog trite and repetitive seeming. The biggest mistake you can make is to climb up onto BOOBS you find perfect and proselytize joyously down upon your readers: while they might be hypnotized briefly by the gigantic mighty weight of your respective views, they will eventually feel alienated.

One must be open to new BOOBS occasionally. There’s nothing worse than focusing too hard on one set of BOOBS, because pow you’re likely to get blindsided by someone else’s BOOBS. You could lose an eye like that! Remember variety is good: Predator Press, for example, often features BOOBS that go in completely different directions; while this might seem self-defeating, the occasional violent collision of BOOBS is a spectacle no avid blog reader would ever want to miss out on.

And that concludes How to Blog Part III. Please put this information to good use, and stay tuned for Part IV: a riveting discourse of the next phase of good blogging, “Topical Information To Surf.”

Now go!

Blog!

Ask LOBO: How to Blog Part II

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Millions and millions of readers are always asking me everyday, "LOBO, how can I learn to blog good?"

Well I’m glad you asked me that.

See, the environment from which you blog can’t be taken seriously enough.

Obviously we can’t all blog like Diesel does -drinkin’ chardonnay and smokin’ cigars with all the leisure time in the world, insulated in the 57th-story penthouse of the Humor-Blogs skyscraper and guarded by an evil Ed Harris and a battery of deadly bikini-clad secretaries.

Nor can we like the much-beloved Doctor Toboggans -from the deep unmapped catacomby bowels of the Delta Medical Center, surrounded by cages of helpful serial killers and upbeat Wall Street executives.

From the surface level of the Earth one must take precautions lest the aliens read your unprotected terrestrial thoughts and suck out your blogging ideas -thus paving the way to the enslavement of Humankind in the blogging labor camps on Alpha Centauri.

And not just anybody can make a regulation foil fedora that blocks your brainwaves from interception: don't fall for rank amateur construction! Without the proper pyramidical dimensions, improper geometrical configurations can actually amplify valuable transmissions to the Evil Alien Omnocracy!

Further, one should probably start with a nice and quiet ergonomic space restricted explicitly for blogging.

And deploy a 3000-watt strobe light immediately.

-It confuses the zombies.

Post-Apocalypse Blogging

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Kathy: “And today archeologists uncovered even more writings by LOBO of Predator Press.”

Jeff: “Were they more posts complaining about what jerks people were?"

Kathy: “Why yes they were Jeff.”

Diesel: “That LOBO was such a visionary …"

Speedcat: “Yes he was, Diesel. Yes he was. And now in sports news … "

High Score

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"What are you doing?" asks Screechy, my fascinated six year old.

As the pale bule light flickers over my face, I don't even look at him. "I'm clicking on a few Entrecard sites in the faint hope I can score a few million readers tonight."

After a beat, I lean over and whisper "It might mean the difference between Harvard and Brown for you."

He grimaces at the monitor. "You get points by clicking on those little yellow boxes?"

"Yes son. Every one of those little yellow boxes is the blog of an infinitely important and interesting individual human being."

"It looks like a game. Can I play?"

I pause, thinking.

"Only if you play to win."

Two Wrongs? No. Three Lefts? Yes.

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“No,” I tell Terri. “It’s not writer’s block. It’s more in the area of trying to come up with an original topic. Everytime I think of something some other blogger has it covered.”

In the Google searchbox, I type does my unicorn have leukemia?, press ‘Enter,’ and about 500 blogs on how to diagnose and cure unicorn leukemia emerge.

I scowl disbelievingly into the monitor.

“Those bastards are everywhere!"

After Math

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“Last place, D?” I says.

“Hey, it only means I had the tenth funniest blog last year,” he beams. “I’m just excited to have been nominated.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, D.”

“Stop calling me ‘D,’ okay?”

“Maybe this will cheer you up.”

“Hey, this is a bill for $45,152!”

“And as your P.R. Agent, I suggest you pay it. You don’t want a reputation as a deadbeat.”

“You aren’t my P.R. Agent!”

“Would anyone other than your P.R. Agent make you this?”