All Green Things Must DIE

Predator Press

Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes from Charlie Sheen

Exclusive: Charlie Sheen Confesses to Using Steroids Filming "Major League"

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Who couldn't tell by just glancing
at those mighty pythons?

UFC Headline Match Cancelled Due to Japan Earthquake

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While UFC President Dana White did not accept questions, his words peel through clearly: the 2012 AMA Madison Square Garden Match of the Century -contracted at a whopping $7b- will indeed not be taking place as billed.

“We are looking at 2014,” says White cautiously. “But while Godzilla’s alibi for the 2011 Earthquake is airtight, we did come across some information that is troubling in the process. In the interest of the sport, we have declared Godzilla ineligible for competition until further notice.”

While White tactfully avoided the controversy of Godzilla’s recently testing positive for Gamma Ray radiation, he admits, “Gamma Rays can potentially make your skin stony, give you an elastic-like ability to stretch, give you the ability to set yourself aflame and fly, or -via invisibility- let Sue Richards give Reed 24/7 shit until he is driven to a suicide-by-cop killing spree.”

“We are stunned,” says Mothra’s trainers. “After studying hours and hours of Gamera fight footage, we never once suspected any ‘juicing.’ I guess it only makes sense if you’re 45,000 years old.”

But while Mothra’s camp has been considerably restrained on the subject, Chuck Liddell -formerly accused of injecting Charlie Sheen Tiger Blood- has not.

“I will eat Baby Godzilla the morning of the match,” says Liddell. “And I will crap Baby Godzilla all over Godzilla’s defeated carcass!”

I Feel My Pain

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I don’t know if you people know what an “MRI” is, but I had one today. An MRI is a test where they stick you in a white tube, ask you not to move, and blast you with Pink Floyd noises.

Well apparently holding up your lighter and yelling “Freebird!” counts as moving. The doc conducting the test eventually freaked out, and I won. So I passed the test, right?

-Just to be a mean-spirited asshole, Witchdoctor Quack M.D. further implied I needed a “Blood Panel” too. A “Blood Panel” is when a dark-skinned chick with letters tattooed on her knuckles stabs you in the arm with a rusty icepick until she has gathered three tubes and illegibly scrawls them with black marker.  The scrawls are almost certainly cryptographic symbols for Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner  (but I cannot back that up: the only tube labels I had time to make out said "Date Night" and "Not Cat").

Still, my agonized and noble shrieks and screams apparently warned others, and the clinic became surrounded by numerous loud car door slams and squealing tires. Finding my car in the parking lot will be easier now, right? I mean I’ve certainly passed this MRI bullish at this point!

But no. Nonetheless, this Third Trial was where I truly shined: my non-tiger blood came back as A+, clearly demonstrating its intellectual superiority over lesser, stupider bloods -and the same blood type I discovered my wife had the week before I suddenly proposed.

Take that, Charlie Sheen!

Executive Disorder

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How can you expect me to blog right now when Charlie Sheen has hijacked the entire Predator Press Charter?

”Tiger Blood?” … “Adonis?”

Oh please.

-The funny part is Charlie Sheen thinks Predator Press readers have fallen for the obvious diabolic geniosity we share!

But where will it end, Charlie?

Hm?

Charlie Who -Wants to WHAT?

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I think Charlie Sheen should get his meeting with Obama to discuss the possibility of a 9/11 conspiracy, but only under the condition that it’s a “quid quo pro”: I’ve been trying to figure out what conspiracy allowed the making of Major League II for years.

Perhaps this is an example of “Method Acting”: Charlie -absolutely seething with "Method"- is about to release a movie called Foodfight! where he voices a character named Dex Dogtective. This controversy will doubtlessly cause enough Hollywood “buzz” to finally catapult Charlie's performances into the Oscars.

Charlie Sheen is most certainly an actor. Al Fresco -the guy that unloads his mower from a pickup truck and mows my lawn- is most certainly a gardener. But I am always happy to see Al Fresco ... largely because he does much-needed work, and he does it extremely well.

This isn’t to say I don't want every teeny nuance of 9/11 investigated; I'm just saying from a Public Relations standpoint, Al Fresco should be at this meeting too.

-Al Fresco doesn’t speak good English well, but nonetheless may contribute volumes to the meeting's credibility by simple virtue of his unrelentingly conscientious taste, and extraordinary talent for his craft.

Meanwhile Charlie hawks Hanes® underwear.

But could Charlie's underwear possibly be better than Al Fresco's?

I rest my case.