Behind the Scenes: Nyota Uhura

Predator Press

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Life began unspectacularly for Nyota Uhura. And after years of hard work, she was set to graduate top of her cosmetology class. But due to a typographical error, she was recruited to the starship Enterprise as Captain Kirk’s Communications Officer and Chief Exfoliator.

“Communications Officer,” however, would be a sad irony for Nyota as she was wildly dyslexic: during Romulan and Klingon attacks she would run up and down the ship screaming, “Trela Der! Trela Der!” This directly led to the destruction of Enterprises I, II, V, Va, theVIIb, and the much ballyhooed IX.2 -as well as numerous models of the Reliant, a school bus, and at least four poorly-documented bicycles.

Soon thereafter, her arrest at a Star Trek convention for the assault of George Lucas made the papers worldwide. She would subsequently tell police, “I kept punching [Lucas] until my knuckles could feel the inside of the back of his head.” Uhura nonetheless denied any motivation involving the hot Star Trek v Star Wars rivalry. “I just wanted [Lucas] to stop making shitty movies. Somebody should have done that in 1983.”

Now experimenting with drugs, Uhura's behavior only became increasingly erratic. According to Wikipedia, “Star Trek III: The Search for Spock sees Uhura take an assignment in the transporter room as part of a plot to steal the Enterprise. After locking a colleague in a closet, Uhura uses the transporter station to beam Kirk, Leonard McCoy and Hikaru Sulu to the Enterprise so they can use it to rescue Spock from the Genesis Planet.”

Uhura’s prosecutors found this defense preposterous. “She locked a guy in a closet?“ said District Attorney Jorge Sackwood. “Okay. Forget that the future doesn’t even have bathrooms … but there is a closet in the Transporter Room? Why? Is it full of red shirts? Or is it simply there for Sulu to come out of?”

Disillusioned with her military career -and now hopelessly addicted to Fuzzy Navels and a myriad of over-the-counter cold medications- Uhura’s downward spiral would lead to feelance work with Vivid Entertainment. 2011 would see the release of a poorly-produced sex tape with NFL star Bret Lockett, something Uhura’s agent disavows as her having been “heavily intoxicated and exploited.” The agent would continue on to say, “Were she fully in command of her faculties at the time it never would have happened. She thought she was making a tape with Hines Ward.”

After an embarrassing appearance on History Channel’s Pawn Stars in an attempt to sell her tricorder and phaser, Ohura finally caught a romantic break and started dating Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison. And because she never did a film with Nicolas Cage or Rob Schneider, this was the same year she was awarded two Predator Press Oscars, six Predator Press Emmys, and three Predator Press Nobel Peace Prizes.

Ohura and Harrison intend to wed this year.

-As soon as they resolve the ongoing Tribble situation.

The 2010 Case Against Darwin

Predator Press

Bishop Eddie Long: 25,000 parish members of “New Birth” can’t be wrong, can they?

Jimi Heselden: This was either a murder, or Heselden is the nerd’s answer to James Dean.

All the crime scene investigators found near the melting custom Segway -all chrome and painted with skulls and bones- was a half-empty pitcher of rapidly-melting daiquiri, an empty sleeve of temporary tattoos, a smoldering WWI helmet with an iron cross on top, and a pair of scorched New Balance tennis shoes.

-I wonder how the Hoveround guy is gonna top that.

John Doe: This story is only a few paragraphs long -too short to preface- but far and away my favorite. This poor bastard is such a loser, even God couldn’t put him out of his misery.

Movers and Shakers

Predator Press

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Way, way back in this blog, I mentioned managing an orphanage.

-As a successful entrepreneur, I feel it's important to give back to the community.

Well I’m proud to announce that according to StreetWise Magazine, my orphanage was far and away the most profitable in 2009. Nationwide!

The children hosted an awards dinner I was expected to attend, but I declined the invitation. (Remember, I do the budget for that place ... I’m not eating that crap.) I figured a more suitable reward for my accomplishments would be a ceremony held at the Hilton Brazil -an infinitely classier place, so far from the scrubby little bastards they couldn't dream of attending. They smell funny.

-And they would have been bored anyway. I’ll send them some pictures. They’ll be thrilled.

Unfortunately orphans don’t know shit about music, and any consideration to upgrading their food to real gruel instead of the imitation stuff was immediately forgotten when I heard the samba band they hired: the dense crowd of aristocrats and I were assaulted with the stabbing sound of a maraca player either drunk, a rhythmless incompetent idiot, or both.

Instantly grabbing a champaign bottle by the neck, I shatter it on a nearby marble statue and rush the stage so I can plunge the glistening, jagged edges deeply into the bastard’s throat. "You butcher!" I scream. "You talentless hack! You don't shake maracas, you blend maracas!"

While security held me back at first, the crowd had already turned on the offender; I was soon rushed up to try and rescue the performance. The lead singer tried to hand me his beastly maracas, and I almost reflexively spat on them. It was then I opened my briefcase and cried into the microphones, "Behold!"

As the lead singer's eyes adjusted to the glowing light, his jaw dropped.

I unsecured my maracas from the inside of the case. They are hand carved from genuine elephant tusk ivory, inlaid in gold, and are filled with naturally mummified panda embryos.

... And halfway through 'Copa Cabana,’ members of the audience were weeping.

icanhasflamethrower

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Every once in a while, I’ll make some flimsy attempt at cleansing my Karmic palette by putting forth something other than my usual schlock.

For example, if you text ‘HAITI’ to 90999 on your cellphone, you will make a $10 donation to the Red Cross. ‘UNICEF’ to 20222 will make a similar donation to Unicef. And if I find a number you can text to get ‘Pants on the Ground’ guy Larry 'The General' Platt back on American Idol for the rest of the season, I’ll publish that too: it seems the least I can do to punish Simon Cowell for crimes against humanity.

But with horrific disasters, national humiliation, and crimes against humanity already on the table, can you possibly segue into a discussion about Pat Robertson any smoother?

I smell Pulitzer.

”I’m not really sure what I should do, LOBO,” says Pat over the speakerphone.

“Well hiring me was your first step in the right direction,” I says reassuringly. “Out of curiosity, how did you hear of the Predator Press Public Relations Agency?”

”It’s the last one in the phone book,” says Pat. ”Zimmer and Zellwig recommended I bury myself up to my neck and let red ants eat my head off.”

“Zimmer and Zellwig are amateurs,” I scoff, surreptitiously crossing ‘RED ANTS’ off of my brainstorming list. “Still, blaming the Haitian disaster on a pact with the devil presented us with quite a challenge.”

”One can only assume that’s why your retainer is so high.”

“Yeah. Well, um,” I begin carefully. “In truth that money is already gone.”

”What?”

“Pat, you understand what you’re up against here, right?” I says, reclining in the chair, talking to the ceiling. “I mean I don’t know much about religion, but I thought you people were supposed to be compassionate and forgiving. If you want to keep fooling people into believing that, you’re going to have to accept some of the, eh, 'initiatives' we’ve taken on your behalf.”

”Initiatives?”

“Yes,” I says. “See, we figure you’re going to have to do something in Haiti that demonstrates that you sympathize with their plight –regardless of whatever Faith and culture divides you.”

”But they practice Voodoo!”

“That’s what made it so easy,” I says, looking at my watch. “We hired some cargo planes. Even as we speak, they are dumping one million live sacrificial chickens over the devastated nation on your behalf. I called it the 'Pat’s Preachin' Poultry Project' on the press release." Hands behind my head, I puff my cigar confidently. "America loves alliteration.”

“My congregation will never agree to fund sacrificial chickens.”

“I already thought of that,” I says. “That’s why tomorrow, we’re hitting them with mayonnaise and celery.”

Hoping for Leniency, Predator Press Gets 2010 Lawsuits in Early

Predator Press

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So I’m sitting here without a topic.

And I just did my old standby when I got nothing, farts, yesterday.

I could be in real trouble here.

Oh sure, I suppose I could talk about holiday stuff. Like when my neighbor subtly slipped me a green, leafy substance in a cellophane baggie -roughly the size and weight of a mouse- and said “Merry Christmas” with a winking grin.

I could write about how I got drugs for Christmas maybe.

I don’t know what getting drugs for Christmas says about a person really, but I can tell you my whole “Naughty or Nice” thing is totally screwed up, and that Hostess™ products are one of the most highly underrated products on the market today. I did draft an in-depth post about it, but I don’t think I’ll ever publish ”And That’s How the Quasars Pissed Off the Unicorns,” as it is a deeply personal account of my personal relationship with breakfast cereal mascots in the wane.

But I don’t want to get too cerebral here, either … I guess my point is I did conquer my writer’s block, so I won’t ruin millions and millions of Predator Press fans’ Christmas after all.

Because I remembered that the Predator Press Man of the Year is coming up.

So far, I’ve got Perez Hilton and last year’s undefeated winner Larry Craig. I don’t know what I’ll do if Larry Craig wins again … Larry Craig has almost ruined the whole Predator Press Man of the Year franchise with his successive victories, making me a very lazy –yet undeniably sexy- satirist. I don’t think Larry Craig should win again. But that’s just me; I can only do what The People mandate, you know?

I should point out that we have numerous new candidates this year to be nominated, and many blogs that had their shit together would have probably have enumerated them by December 26th already. But those well-regimented and organized blogs written by highly-disciplined and deadline-oriented people probably suck.

Tiger Woods, for instance, would be a great candidate. Or how about my personal nominee Randy Quaid?

Oh c’mon … there’s something hilarious about how we want the same government to find Osama Bin Laden that can’t find the guy from Christmas Vacation.

Because Reading is Such a Hassle

Predator Press

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I don’t often post YouTubes 'an Hulus or whatever, but this one made me cry. It’ll make you cry too –unless you’re a heartless bastard. Or a boneless bastard. And hell if you’re a heartless boneless bastard I wouldn’t know where your tear ducts would be anyway.

WTG Jon!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Chuck Grassley's Debt and Deficit Dragon
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

Predator Press New “Man of the Year” a Woman?

Predator Press

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Yes folks, it’s true. Larry Craig -the undefeated Predator Press Man of the Year for two years in a row- just might have finally been unseated.

And I’m proud to announce that the new nominee has an extra “X” chromosome! (Or a "Y" ... I dunno. I lose track. What do I look like? A chromosomologist?)

Sure Miss Hilton has let herself go a bit [woof!] since she and Nicole Richie’s "The Simple Life" garnered four consecutive nominations for the Teen Choice Award. But wouldn’t you be bummed if you were nominated four times for something you didn’t win? Teenagers, if you think about it, are far too preoccupied growing their hair weird 'an listening Def Leppard and Bruce Springsteen records to know what’s really “cool” anyway.

Who besides Miss Hilton has the courage to trash-talk a posse of rap artists, get bitch slapped, and then Tweet in tearful desperation while waiting for the ambulance and police [as seen here]?

-And before you say it, does Glenn Beck even have a video blog?

Chi

Predator Press

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Having not been in a Dojo since Grand Master Futon awarded me my honorary white belt, little Screechy’s first karate class left me pondering my own illustrious martial arts career. That is where I developed the strict discipline and physical fitness I continue to emulate even today, and I consider it one of the most demanding -yet rewarding- weeks of my entire life.

-And Screechy is lucky to be following in my footsteps: a “legacy,” he too was bestowed with the rank of whitebelt on his very first day.

But the congratulatory ceremonies were cut short: just we were about to break out the traditional karate booze and piñatas shaped like ninjas, a bunch of kids wanting to play basketball started to harass some of the students.

Expecting a spectacular display of compound fractures and bloodletting, I was really disappointed when a small group of lowly blackbelts circumvented the incident entirely and without any violence whatsoever.

Why, when there must have been sixty or seventy of us deadly whitebelts in the auditorium, would three or four amateur blackbelts allow our sacred Dojo be besmirched thusly so? After doubtlessly devoting several hours studying the great Wisdom of the Orient, have these people learned nothing about when someone needs their ass kicked good an proper? Has all that effort and time learning to rip someone’s arm off and beat them to death with all gone to waste entirely?

This is why I will never become a Sensei.

There's An A$$hole in the Bucket List Dear Liza, Dear Liza

Predator Press

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I've never seen "The Bucket List," but I've seen a jillion posts about it. And I was cool with steering clear of the topic despite it's intriguing nature.

So I'm dead last with my 'Bucket List' post.

-Mine is to have my life made into a major motion picture, and being subsequently driven from the movie's premier by the resulting angry, bloodthirsty rioting mob.

I swear on a stack of Bibles that's mine.

So now that I've ripped off 1,116 other bloggers of a post premise, I might as well go the distance and rip off Diesel too, right?

I am proud to present Predator Press' very first Semi-Annual Caption Contest!

"But LOBO," I can hear you saying. "How can you possibly have time for Caption Contests while trying to defend the Earth from the unrelenting tide of the Great Zombie Omnacracy?"

Easy!

Getting rid of zombies isn't like, say, getting rid of Jews or anything: zombies are dumb. So I've decided that I will make the caption, and you -the loyal reader- will do all the Photoshopping. Seriously. And have you seen my Photoshopping? Ughh.

-You couldn't possibly do any worse.

Besides ... by doing this, I've reminded you to vote for Diesel in a sneaky, subliminal hypnofied way: it's like jamming broken and salted vote for Diesel glass into your Frontal lobe. If you don't vote for Diesel, you will doubtlessly wake up out of breath, heart racing, dripping sweat with a nosebleed and the subject of a new Stephen King -no, a Dean Koontz novel.

-And all the while wondering why you didn't just simply vote for Diesel.

So here it is:




Good luck to all!

Kenny Loggins and Huey Lewis Concert “A Bloodbath,” Thousands Dead

Predator Press

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When Kenny Loggins and Huey Lewis agreed to unite and promote the nominations of Humor-Blogs’ own i am bossy and Matress Police in the 2008 Weblog Awards, no one considered that their fans might have some hatchet-burying in mind themselves.

42 year old Priscilla Frisk, President of the Huey Lewis Fan Club, encouraged all her constituents to “Do some real clubbing,” and supplied nightsticks, mace and facemasks at the door.

In response, Loggins supporters Bloggins for Loggins launched a more technically-savvy attack and ruined the credit of all HLFC chartered members by quadrupling their mortgages.

As the death toll continues to grow, authorities seem helpless.

“It’s a horrible circumstance,” admits Commissioner Rudolph Banks. “The only thing those two groups want to do is kill each other. I’ve sent in virtually my entire police force to break it up, and they’ve all been tossed out bloodied and bankrupt.”

VOTE OR DIE!!!

Predator Press

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Eyebrows furrowed, I watch the little hourglass in my laptop screen intently.

“So you're a nominated finalist for Best Humor Blog in the 2008 Weblog Awards, and if people vote for you every day starting tomorrow you’ll be, like, king or something?”

“Hey,” says Diesel. “It’s an honor just to be nominated. But why not?”

“How did Predator Press do?"

“Predator Press was, ah, disqualified,” replies Diesel thinking quickly. “Predator Press was too good."

I peer over the edge of the laptop suspiciously. “Stop here,” I says. “The signal is awesome.”

“We’re in the middle of a seventy mile an hour freeway.”

“This is California, D. People do it all the time.”

After a few uncomfortable moments, it’s clear Diesel has no intention of even slowing. “Well,” I says sulkily. “I am honored that you’ve ask me to handle your public relations for the duration of the contest.”

“I didn’t ask you to handle my public relations,” he says. “You were sleeping in my car."

"That's because I understand the urgency of the situation, D."

"What’s the duct tape for?”

“I always carry duct tape around. You know, in case I get writer’s block.”

“What?”

“There are subtle nuances when it comes to motivating people to vote for you, and this should only be handled by the utmost of discrete professionals."

The modem shriek stops, and almost on autopilot I plug in my logon info. "You really should treat this like any other textbook election, and elections are touchy, sensitive events. Barack Obama is a good example ... with all that hard work combined with proper handling, that dude'll probably end up being a bigwig mayor or something.”

I could just jump the median, thinks Diesel. Straight into oncoming traffic.

“I think you should give people prizes if they vote for you,” I decide. “You know, like a swimming pool or something.”

-I’d be a fucking hero.

“That’s dishonest,” he sighs. "Hey. Wanna listen to the radio-?"

“But then what if we didn’t give them the swimming pools afterward? Wouldn't that cancel out all the Karmic hoodoo?”

“I want to win on the merits of my blog.”

“Hey man, don't get me wrong. Mattress Police is one of the best blogs on the planet. I'm just sayin' I can get a great deal on electric melonballers.” I raise my fingers in the air to make quote marks. “They’re Martha Stuart.”

My laptop chimes, and a cheery voice says “You’ve got mail!”

“Oooo goodie!” I says.

“Look,” says Diesel. “I really appreciate your enthusiasm. Just vote for me here and there, okay?”

“Dude listen to this. ’POZ you are so funny. LOL, Terri.’,” I scowl. “She’s calling the Prince of Zanzibar ‘POZ’ now.”

“So?”

“It’s a pet name!” I says. “It’s one step away from ‘snuggly-buggly’ or ‘honey-bunny!’

“Look. Just promise me you’ll vote. Don’t do anything else. And for God’s sake please don’t post about it.”

“Okay,” I says glumly.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

"I think I missed my exit,” he says exasperated. “Break out that map in the glove compartment."

I lean past the laptop screen and pop open the glove box. Inside there’s a California map, a car registration, and eight side-by-side rolls of duct tape -each varying in thickness, and meticulously arranged in ascending size.

Uh-oh

The 2008 Absolute Bestest Incomprehensive Awards Ceremony Ever Held By Predator Press in the History of Humanity!

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Yes it's true: it's here! It's The 2008 Absolute Bestest Incomprehensive Awards Ceremony Ever Held By Predator Press in the History of Humanity! We know you have been wanting this. We know you have been needing this! We know you have been yearning for this.

And here it is.

Yippie!

-Stop touching yourself! We are only getting started.

I committed to actually following through with this much-anticipated event immediately after thinking of it a few minutes ago. But the first problem was Who should host it?

We needed somebody special. Somebody with the radiant braniosity of, like, a million men. Or seven women. Or like three women and five hundred seventy one thousand four hundred and twenty eight point five men.

Luckily I was standing right there.

-It was Fate.

So without further adieu, I bring you The 2008 Absolute Bestest Incomprehensive Awards Ceremony Ever Held By Predator Press in the History of Humanity!


Category 1: Best '80s Cheerleader Bait

Yes, while most of us were getting our faces rated for PSI durability by virtue of high-velocity underinflated muddy red rubber, these two guys were leaving a string of broken hearts and condoms all across our great nation.

And we all remember those shorts: they were fantastic for Sharon Stone-ing your way from a "C" to an "A" in a particularly tough chemistry class.

Many government agencies regard the subsequent long and twisting track of unwanted children and unpaid child support as “The Trail of Tears,” and terms of their probation have prevented me from releasing their names.


Category 2: Most Bloggable Hair

To the left we have the indomitable William McCamment of Dead Rooster. He claims to only use Paul Mitchell products, and describes his technique as "Jumping out the window, and hair spraying it real fast."

To the right we have Jeff of View From The Cloud. Clearly being groomed for his long career ahead as the Regional Sales Manager for Pfizer, this is the hair of a guy that can get shit done.

-Jeff is the only blogger in history to be nominated twice in The 2008 Absolute Bestest Incomprehensive Awards Ceremony Ever Held By Predator Press in the History of Humanity! ... he's also in the previous Best '80s Cheerleader Bait category with the Unfinished Rambler.


Category 3: Best Faked Death

No, we’re not talking about the much-beloved Doctor Toboggans –we here at Predator Press have known all along that Doctor Toboggans is perfectly safe ‘n sound in the trunk of that car I left in Mexico a few months ago.

But the elaborate and meticulous planning it took for Brent Diggs to survive the six best hitmen I could find, having his body burned in the desert, having the ashes tossed into a zinc smelter and then having that zinc smelter launched into the Sun really, really impressed me.

Well done sir!

Bravo.


Category 4: Best Movie Pitch



Hey! How’d that get in here?

:)


Category 5: Best Posts

It was tough picking out my fave three posts of the year. But I’ve narrowed the list to:

Angry Seafood - "Polygamist Cult Not Attractive Enough to Join"

This riveting exposé dives deep into the seedy underbelly of polygamy and splays it’s steaming entrails all over the linoleum.

Included topics are the downside of inbreeding and it’s inherent adverse effects -such as significantly inhibited recruitment.


neOnbubble - "Make Money Online With Blackmail"

Hats off to a deviously brilliant concept: an anonymous blackmail exchange program. I don’t want to ruin it by going into too much detail, so you’ll have to check this one out yourself.

... and then let the paranoia set in.


Speedcat Hollydale - "Old Towne Speedcat Goin Down the River"

When Speedcat Hollydale announced he was going to release his single “Old Towne Speedcat Goin Down the River,” legend has it Scott Stapp got over himself and David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen started making out with each other.

But Speedcat would have none of that: instead of muscling his Les Paul and Marshall stacks into the studio, Speedcat does is solo and acapella from his very own kitchen.

Personally, I think this has way more influence on modern music than Kurt Cobain ever did.


Category 6: Predator Press 2008 MAN OF THE YEAR

Look I know all that happened in 2007. But Predator Press didn’t have these awards in 2007! And trust me, I combed over 2008 -nothing this year nudged him out.

I consider Larry Craig undefeated.

You may remember Larry Craig as being in, oh, say the House of Representatives … but it’s infinitely more likely you remember him from what he called a “highly heterosexual miscommunication brought on by some bathroom discomfort.”

Larry -who inadvertently put the 'key' in 'keyster'- spawned a cottage industry of “I Have A Wide Stance” t-shirts that still make me laugh hysterically every time I see one.


Anywho there you have them: LOBO’s picks for 2008. But I didn't want to leave anyone out: we're all winners here:


<a href="http://predatorpress.blogspot.com/2008/12/2008-absolute-bestest-incomprehensive.html"><img border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5168923798517701042" style="display:block;border:0px solid #000000;margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" alt="The 2008 Absolute Bestest Incomprehensive Awards Ceremony Ever Held By Predator Press in the History of Humanity!" src=" https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_Igg5R25-JLbLiqKAx_nrEp0o0LxQoa46mdhQTJbtYCqLB7kZZMN27VUFE8sQyFosEBQo59re95r5rK5_I6Soht4W7qIgtcGosOohDcejLJVqoW1WXsJ3p-W5sQ0f89xY2XFdMg/s400/Award+Badge.jpg" img/></a>

Predator Press Earns "Idiot of the Week" Award

Predator Press

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Were it not for the Mighty Mighty Diesel, I might never have known that I’d received The Super Liberal’s “Idiot of the Week” Award for my post Barack Obama is BLACK!?!

This honor -as far as I can tell- has only been bestowed upon the very enjoyable Downloadable Ryan Garns’ blog [linked] thus far. There may actually be more recipients of this cherished prize, but this would require me to do tedious ‘research’ and ‘fact checking.'

While being deeply moved by this coveted acknowledgement, learning about this five days later -and by a third party to boot- kinda puts us in a lurch … as you know, we are moving into our new apartment this week. How are Terri and I to find something suitable to wear for the ceremony at the last moment under these circumstances? Do we need to RSVP? Is there free food? And do I need to write an acceptance speech?

I’ve decided that the best course of action is to develop a new award to return the favor.

Please forgive the rather primitive and crude Photoshopping as my computer is still in storage -I hadda steal the image from the late great Kurt Vonnegut’s book Breakfast of Champions and do it in Microsoft Paint.

But it’s the thought that counts, right?

Congratulations 'Super Liberal.'

You’ve earned this.

Shenanigans

Predator Press

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It can't be true.

It just can't.

... It's been almost two weeks since I've tried to infuriate It's a Funny Thing's brilliant author Don Lewis!

Long ago, I concluded that the internet is utterly useless aside from infuriating Don Lewis.

I've sought high and low for some decent SEOs so my search engines are optimized.

And how I yearn for the remotest hope of penis enlargement.

Please don't get me started on the futility of finding porn.

Will no one reveal to me the secrets of Internet Marketing or Making Money Online?

Doesn't anyone accept VISA Platinum anymore?

[*sigh*]

All there is is Don.

Don Lewis.

Even as I type this, the sole recipient of the Predator Press Temporary Lifetime Achievement Award is probably all tucked in, sleeping soundly, and thinking of genuinely funny and unique crap ... crap that will doubtlessly distract countless blog readers from the wholesome Wisdom, Purity, Hope and Truth which Predator Press strives only to promote.

Well, I won't stand for it.

Not for a second.

Not even for a nanosecond.

In a fit of jealousy, I'm stripping Don of his monopoly on the coveted and highly sought-after honor that I will one day actually create: the Predator Press Lifetime Achievement Award.

Today, the subtle and unobtrusive Predator Press Temporary Lifetime Achievement Award -currently recognized as the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval- is being bestowed upon the following blogs as well:



.45 Caliber Headspace

Angry Seafood

Average Dudes

Bee's Musings

Blogs We Luv

DEAD ROOSTER

ettarose-edgeofsanity

From the Roads

LadyTerri

Lord Likely

My Interesting Files

neOnbubble

OMYWORD!

Speedcat Hollydale

The Cult of Qelqoth

The Offended Blogger

The Ominous Comma

The Skwib

When Things Get Dark



-:¦:-•:*'""* -:¦:- NICE -:¦:- WORK -:¦:- *'""*:•.-:¦:-




<a href="http://predatorpress.blogspot.com/2008/05/assault-of-earth.html"><img border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5168923798517701042" style="display:block;border:1px solid #000000;margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" alt="The bearer of this -The Predator Press Temporary Lifetime Achievement Award- has demonstrated such a fantastic aptitude for comedy that Predator Press nearly created an award to commemorate their momentous achievement. Predator Press is not affiliated with the Good Housekeeping Seal's fine services or products. In fact, Predator Press is locked in a fierce legal battle with them ... however, this statement can only be characterized as accurate if you replace the words 'locked in a fierce legal battle with' with the words 'being sued by.' Please do not lick, eat, snort, swallow, drop, smoke, or otherwise ingest award. Not valid unless placed on title page of blog, over, near, or in place of your respective banner. Or tattooed." src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTksl8QlGWjUnGI75LvLOhgf5eE8Idh06kKpw4yNjPPyY1lEAKUvYAI8h9MtMK38DTH9UE1qE4ypOSc3L8OucqTPeoLbj584Zv7PQST0yPF0RWsP_Gj1JWISNLqqfACUOUW5MKdg/s400/rsz_11GH_seal_C.jpg"/></a>

Hah!

Now "Don Lewis" -if in fact that is your real name- every time you surf the funniest sites on the internet, you will see your own award prominently displayed smack on every one of them!

Jerk.

Eat Humor Blogs. Poop kittens.

The Artichoke Debacle

Predator Press

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On February 20, 2007 LadyTerri and I screened Danger Couch and the Tinsel of Doom.

A review seemed appropriate.

Unfortunately, the household was wracked with Strep and flu, and this brought Predator Press screaming to a temporary halt.

Very unfortunate.

There was much to write about.

This was the day that Don Lewis had bestowed upon us the Quality Original Humor Award. The 'regular' news was fantastic blog fodder as well ... it was the day before the US Navy would miss the spy satellite they were trying to shoot down and accidentally 'liberated' the head off of the Statue of Liberty.

Did the following Navy cover-up get mentioned in your much-lauded "Wall Street Journal"? No. And CNN and MSNBC ran with our glaring absence, writing puff-pieces on John McCain and wars and stuff.

Those other so-called "news" sources are so completely devoid of any credibility, at first I was suspicious that the Navy wasn't trying to shoot down my spy satellite! Luckily, my spy satellite is busy in another hemisphere spying on Brent's satellite, which is busy spying on-

-Hey, wait a minute. Do I really look that fat on camera?

Why all this redundant criss-crossing double super secret agent stuff? Because Brent is just that evil. He steals my ideas before I even have them!

While a lot of you think Danger Couch and the Tinsel of Doom was his idea, you're utterly mistaken: this is a common misconception as he wrote, directed, appeared in, filmed and promoted it.

Therefore I forgive many of you: it's easy to not associate me with work I didn't write, direct, appear in, film or promote. You would think that I would've learned my lesson with that whole 'Citizen Kane' debacle ... but I don't not do it for the glory or the money; I don't do it because I love art.

And how do we really know I didn't write, direct, appear in, film or promote Danger Couch and the Tinsel of Doom? With my attention span, for all I know I did. Couldn't he have CGI-ed over all my appearances? Copied my music? Replicated my Oscar-worthy performances? Despite LadyTerri's assurances to the contrary, I'm not convinced: I find it difficult to believe that I wasn't involved in such a fun, raucous ride of comedy and music. I loved it, LadyTerri loved it, the kids loved it. It's brilliant. Clearly this has all the earmarks of my own work!

Perhaps the most dastardly move of all is that Brent is undercutting my suggested retail price of $8,406 per copy. I calculated this out on excruciatingly long Excel spreadsheets, and this had me barely breaking even after materials, postage, copyright infringement lawsuits, and the mandatory Spy Satellite Tax. But he is selling the same DVD for $15!!!. Can you believe that jerk? The madman is obviously operating at a staggering loss, hoping to strike a blow to the vast Predator Press empire.

The choice is clear: every copy you by from me means a triumph for Humankind ... every copy you buy from him only further drains his coffers.

Come to think of it, screw humankind. Stick it to Brent. Buy numerous copies, and give them away for belated Inappropriate Card Day gifts in defiance.

Meanwhile, I'm working on a sequel to Tinsel. It's called Rise of the Futon.

And it better be good, or I'll totally kill Brent.