Jackson Tweens Caught With Stun Gun, DCFS Conducting Investigation

Predator Press

[LOBO]

According to TMZ -because one of the children had somehow acquired a stun gun- the Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an investigation of the Jackson family.

So what’s the big deal? If I was 13 and lived in the Jackson home, I would want a stun gun too. They got giraffes 'an crap!

Look. I’m a staunch NRA supporter. And when I last checked, our Nation’s children were protected by a little thing called The Constitution. I for one love my stun gun. How else is one expected to deal with unwanted visits from Jehovah’s Witnesses and Census Takers? Kids getting a firearm should be a prerequisite for graduating kindergarten, thus beginning early the long road of preparation for the firefight formerly known as college.

Sure there’ll be a handful of you sanctimonious, whiny liberals, "But LOBO, a gun can be dangerous -especially when used by children!”

Pthbbbt! Where do you people come up with these ideas? And I didn't say give 'em, like, grenades or something: one measly stun gun is great fun for the whole family!

Don‘t believe me? This morning the Butterbean kid got sent over to borrow a cup of sugar, and I‘ve been stunning him ever since. I even recharged it twice. He’s fine. In the process, I even uncovered some false advertising: the box my stun gun came in says explicitly, “Will incapacitate virtually any assailant instantly.” But this little prick keeps twitching!

And this further illustrates my point, doesn‘t it?

If this little bastard had a gun, none of this would have ever happened.

Daedalus

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I have learned that you can’t take a Republican’s gun because everyone has an inalienable right to one.

They will say, “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people! It’s a matter of individual Liberty!”

But ask a Republican about legalizing marijuana?

“Oh hell no. Just take this here gun and shut the fuck up. It’s fun.”

Okay, cool. I'm not really seeing a problem here.

-As long as the Republicans don't hassle my Dominos delivery guy.

The "Home Grown" Terrorists

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Regarding the still-emerging story about the local boys in New York who were thwarted by the FBI from destroying synagogues and planes, I’m just as intrigued as anyone else.

-But I can’t finish reading msnbc.com’s version (linked here); every time I get to the line in the story that asserts one of them “smoked marijuana the day the plot was to be carried out,” my brain just strokes off.

Am I the only one here impressed that guy even showed up? And why couldn’t he just eat frozen Snickers and play XBox like everyone else? Did he even have an Xbox?

Cripes, you can’t start a Holy War if you can’t get a damn Xbox -Osama would laugh at you and send you home with a note pinned to your shirt! And perhaps justly so; The FBI arranged for these guys to be given useless explosives ... the real Al Qaeda probably drug tests their members to ensure they don't try to detonate tapioca or, stricken with "the munchies," eat half the explosives before arriving at the target.

Anywho, as mentioned earlier, they intended to shoot down planes as well. Where do you get stuff to shoot down planes in New York of all places? I don’t remember seeing bazookas and so forth readily available there, so I suspect you have to order them out of a catalog or something.

-So now I’m stuck with this image in my head of the guy calling a weapons company customer service rep:

Rep: Thank you for holding sir, my name is Frances. May I help you?

Terrorist: Yes, um. I would like to order the M-950. Does it come in black?

Rep: No I’m sorry sir. It does not.

Terrorist: How about the A-75?

Rep: Well, yes we have the A-75 in black. But may I ask what you want to use it for?

Terrorist: Hunting.

Rep: You are hunting with an anti-aircraft weapon?

Terrorist: Let’s just say I don’t mess around with ducks and quail pal.

Rep: How big is the game?

Terrorist: About 900,000 pounds.

Rep: You don’t want to use an A-75. I would still go with the M-950.

Terrorist: Yeah, but those only come in pastels.

Rep: They're very popular in Hawaii.

Terrorist: What would shipping come out to?

Rep: We ship free of your order is for ten or more. You could take your friends hunting too.

Terrorist: Hmmm. Okay. But I want a tracking number when they ship. It’s really depressing when you are watching for the mailman everyday and he doesn’t have your stuff.

Rep: I understand completely. Are you ready to give your credit card information?

Terrorist: Uh yeah. It’s in this here purse. Hang on.

Rep: Purse?

Terrorist: I mean wallet. My wallet. Here it is. The card is a … VISA, and my name is Nancy Zimmerman. You know what? It was a purse after all. Nancy Zimmerman. I have a very deep voice for a woman. I hear that all the time.

Rep: Nancy, can I get you any ammunition?

Terrorist: Twenty cases.

Rep: Nancy if you order twenty-five cases, you get a free set of Franklin Mint Charlton Heston commemorative plates ...

The Dead See

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Another seismic roar, and blood arcs across the window behind them; illuminated by dehumanizing fluorescents, a pale, pink mist fills the air. Dismembered chunks of flesh and bone slide and fall wet into a growing pool of human viscera.

Screams. Pleas. Panic surges through the room. They try to flee. Curled into a tiny, terrified ball, one hiding employee can see the gunman's heavy boots under the seats and through the thick smoke, calmly and systematically advancing through the room, crunching over broken plastic shards and glass. More shots, and the drywall resonates the obscure marching rhythmic beats of each explosion as life ceases one by one by one…

“Next,” calls the woman with disinterest.

“Hi!” I says cheerily. “I need to renew my driver’s license.”

N.R.A. people are DUMB

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Who needs a gun? Egadz this "Tazer" thing is a BLAST ... a guy broke into my house today and zzzzt!!! ... zzzt ..... ZZZZZZT!!!!!

Hell, I even recharged the battery so I could "Zzzt" him for a few more hours.

I would stop, but the instructions for this little electric gem claim EXPLICITLY that "the device will incapacitate virtually any assailant" ...

... this son-of-a-bitch keeps twitching ... !