A 'Lil History

Predator Press

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The Day the Music Cried

Predator Press

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It’s a little-known fact that Brent Diggs and I weren’t always the bitter enemies we are today.

For instance, I didn’t recognize Brent immediately at Juilliard Music School. In fact I thought he was just another flashy and callow wanna-be rock band frontman.

But one night after my tuba solo, he insisted on meeting me. He was so moved by my performance, as we shook hands a single tear rolled slowly down his cheek.

Now everyone knows the tuba is the backbone of any good band; once I graduated, I probably could have ‘written my own ticket’ so to speak. I was featured in Musician Magazine as the “57th best Tuba Player EVER.” Band members of both Metallica and Van Halen threatened to fracture off in order to work with me on solo projects.

And I was good too: in the recording studio, all women had to be escorted out so the soggy panties hitting the floor wouldn’t mess up the audio.

But there was something about Brent’s youthful exuberance and vitality that appealed to me, and soon we were playing together with other promising underground musical acts. And one day Brent comes to me and says, “LOBO, we gotta start our own band.”

To which I replied, “What the hell are you pointing at?”

"Just point at anything and watch what happens."

"Cool!"

“Seriously,” he continues. “With my golden pipes and your saxophone thingy, there would be no stopping us!”

“I’ll only do it if we call it Danger Couch,” I says.

“Okay,” he says. “But only if we promise the band will never ever ever break up.”

“Deal,” I says.

***
In Brent’s defense, I was already well on my way to a substance abuse problem. I had been “experimenting” –recreationally- with Pop Rocks. Honestly, to this day I think it was the advertising aimed at my generation and colorful packaging.

I ate one packet of orange Pop Rocks during rehearsals. I ate two packets of grape while blistering live solos on my 'Tube.' Soon I was up to thirty-four packets a day -just to feel "normal."

When out of my 'supply,' I shopped for them bulk online with trembling hands -often paying extraordinary fees to have them Fed-Exed the next day because I couldn't pick them up at the warehouse that night.

Four months later, when I crashed the 1954 Bentley Type R, the cops found the floorboards covered in Pop Rocks packets.

"Son-" the cop started.

"What dead hooker?" I replied.

***
Brent, watching millions of dollars evaporate due to my rapidly accelerating habit, finally confronted me. And that night I swore I would never touch a single Pop Rock ever again. But at the very next show, through my microphone, everyone in the audience could here the distinct crackling joy.

In the dressing room, Brent found my stash: a thick, tight brick of Pop Rocks sealed in a waterproof ziplock bag floating in the upper toilet tank.

Truthfully, my music suffered. Stuff that was supposed to go "bum bum, bum bum" would come out "bum bum-bwah-bum": the surgical precision required to hit that note with just the right force seemed to escape me, and it was often either far too loud or completely inaudible altogether. Worse of all, the sound engineers never seemed to figure out why everything recorded sounded like angry Rice Krispies in violent milk.

I started showing up late for performances, play like five notes, and then leave without explanation in pursuit of the nearest fix. Rather than counting out measures on 398 pages of sheet music, I would fall asleep on them for entire shows. Once I accidentally grabbed the violin sheet music and played the whole goddamn venue like it was a Danny Elfman soundtrack. This earned me a promising spot on a hip, irreverent episode of Hee Haw ... but my downward spiral was impossible to mask even from them, and I was fired for calling Tom Wopat an asshole on live television.

My hygiene suffered, and my flesh started to seethe and bubble visibly like a live thing under filthy, neglected clothing. The only thing that seemed to still like me was my dog, which I eventually sold to a Korean restaurant chef for six packs of grape, two packs of apple, and a pair of well-worn Crocs. The howling and smell of burning hair still haunts my dreams.

Six months later TMZ tracked me down in a cheap motel room, and Doctor Harrold Toboggans, Doctor Drew Pinsky, and a camera crew from MTV's Behind the Music descended upon me like a plague of locusts. Unemployed, I was pouring Pop Rocks into a spoon and tonguing the inside of the packet. Eyes darting and bulgy, I had a lighter and a syringe, prepared for the Mother-of-All Pop Rocks high.

"I think it's time you faced the fact that you have a problem," said Brent.

"Nonsense," I says through purple teeth, twisting the thick rubber band over my elbow. "I can quit anytime I want. I don't need some goddamned intervention!"

Then, blammo.

Distracted, I let the paparazzi too close; the highly-unstable Pop Rocks in the spoon detonated in the machine gun-like camera flash.

Doctor Harold Toboggans, Doctor Drew Pinsky, the camera crew from MTV's Behind the Music and I survived by some incalculable miracle, having been thrown clear of the blast.

Thank God, I remember thinking.

-I was getting really sick and tired of hearing that ‘I’ve got a problem’ bullshit.

Playing With Matches

Predator Press

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Whenever the Mighty Mighty Diesel takes a breather, I like to seize upon his absence as an opportunity to lecture about him –and thusly the entire blogosphere- extensively.

See, nowadays new blogs are poppin up everywhere and all the time. I’m willing to bet at this point there are like fifteen or twenty of them -all industriously ripping off my idea to have an online diary, and paying me, um, zero in royalties.

And I'm fine with that really. There is no real need to thank me ... from the very conception of the concept of “blogging,” I knew it was too great a gift not to share with the rest of Humankind.

-But I cannot, in good conscience, let said Humankind forget the history behind it.

As an example, I invite you to take the following quiz:


HINTS
v

One of these two will transport you to hellish wastelands, and subject you to unimaginable atrocities.

The other will only write about it.


One of these two would wipe out the entire salad bar, and then make out with Princess Leia.

The other is made of Latex and rubber.



One of these two is a visionary of internet comedy.

The other is in a DVD my kid made me buy.


One of these two was in a TV series.

The other runs a weapons factory for irate golfers.



One of these two made an outrageously funny DVD.

The other is somehow cashing in despite "Pet Detective", and Lemony Snicket's "A Series of Unfortunate Budget Surpluses."



One of these two is a highly-pressurized windbag with a reflective surface, containing a gas that makes you talk funny when ingested.

(In this case, both answers are correct. I can't tell the difference either.)



***

Now for any of you that took this quiz and didn’t score like four million points, I think you really need to do some homework. You know, like, “study” or something. Don’t write a blog without knowing the cold hard facts surrounding the glorious history of blogging: it would just embarrass us both.

So where was I?

Oh yeah.

Diesel.


***

See I warned Diesel implicitly about Antisocial Commentary from the Secret Files of the Mattress Police.

“D,” I says. “You have to scale back the awesomeness of this book. If you’re not careful, they’re gonna make you write another one.”

But Diesel can be pretty stubborn when it comes to advice.

“They wouldn’t dare,” he says smugly.

“D, I’m serious,” I insist. “They made this guy Hemingway write like three books.”

“That's impossible,” says D. “No human mortal could endure even reading three books, let alone writing three.”

“I’m totally serious.”

“Have they made you write any books?”

“Hell no,” I smirk. “I’m on to those pricks.”

“What’s your secret?” he asks.

“Bad punctuation, grammar … the occasional smattering of misspellings. All buried deeply in unreadable pedantic and wordy nonsense."

I pause.

“I think it’s more of a gift, really.”

268 Days

Predator Press

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With only two hundred and sixty eight or so shopping days left, those showing even the slightest hint of radiant braniosity are already gearing up for the Holiday Season. Indeed, I’m so far “ahead of the game” so to speak my Christmas decorations are already up! (The tree is looking a little spindly, but look around you: trees are everywhere. They’re a tougher breed than you might suspect.)

The reason this is now crucial is two hundred and sixty eight or so days is roughly nine months –almost exactly the gestation (incubation?) period of an average human baby. Without planning ahead, instead of buying dozens of copies of Danger Couch! and the Tinsel of Doom [reviewed here] to distribute amongst your loved ones, you could be embroiled in a screamy, messy childbirth.

Nobody wants that. And have you seen some of the baby pictures out here on the blogosphere? -Yeesh!

I have it on good authority that typical babies are loud, destructive, often smell funny, and are [*shiver*] virulent disease carriers. Seriously. Mumps, measles, cholera -okay I’m freakin’ myself out here, but you get the point, right? No babies could ever provide love, laughter and joy comparable to a single copy of DC!ATTOD. Puppies –eh- maybe, but not babies.

-And babies cost, like, hundreds of dollars whereas DC!ATTOD is a mere fifteen! Heck at that price, you could by a copy of DC!ATTOD, a Danger Couch! t-shirt and probably two or three puppies.

-So act now, keep your pants up in the meantime, and have a Happy Holiday Season.