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Showing posts with label technology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label technology. Show all posts
Thursday
Wednesday
Buyer Seaware
Predator Press
[LOBO]
As I'm sure you all remember, Predator Press has fallen on hard times.
We've been through worse. Still, I'm bein' forced to come up with some quick cash.
I've decided to sell the Official Predator Press Nuclear Submarine at a fraction of it's original value on eBay:
It's hell on gas, but you can pretty much park it anyplace you want.
[LOBO]
As I'm sure you all remember, Predator Press has fallen on hard times.
We've been through worse. Still, I'm bein' forced to come up with some quick cash.
I've decided to sell the Official Predator Press Nuclear Submarine at a fraction of it's original value on eBay:
Saturday
All Ball
-or "The Miracle of the Toaster"
Predator Press
There was a point that I loved college. But I started getting involved in the more political aspects, the economics, the teacher unions -cumulatively this proved very disillusioning. The closer I got to the underbelly, the beloved altruism of academia gave way to the petty motives of the once-respected peers. In search of Superman, I accidentally discovered Clark Kent.
This had far-reaching ripple effects, mostly bad, on the rest of my life. I would no longer go to concerts or seek personal information on my favorite artists in fear of finding something negative that might change my opinion. Deep cynicism and mistrust seeped and eroded into a sort of boredom and malaise of humanity. For decades, I have so badly wanted that that exuberance and optimism back, and yet it escaped me; I ached to find something truly new and marvelous. But through the lenses I perceive the world there is little but self interest, and this blog is sort of an expression, a parody, maybe a metaphor of that; "LOBO" is written as a five year old child, devoid of a sense of consequence to action. Neither good nor evil, LOBO acts on the razor-edge Existential plane of exactly "here and now."
But that's just too depressing a conclusion.
-There must be something redeemable about existence beyond the general experience of it.
Right?
As a menial industrial minion of a book warehouse, I am allowed to listen to an iPod while doing my mind-numbingly dull job. And I find myself listening to highly-randomized lectures supplied by iTunesU. Recently, I rolled my eyes as Marshall Brain released one on how a toaster works.
But it turned out to be pretty interesting.
In fact it got me thinking. Maybe turning on ESPN Sports Center or going down the rabbit hole of news and fiction of my choice is the problem.
-Perhaps our "comfort zones" are just too comfortable for our own good.
There was a point that I loved college. But I started getting involved in the more political aspects, the economics, the teacher unions -cumulatively this proved very disillusioning. The closer I got to the underbelly, the beloved altruism of academia gave way to the petty motives of the once-respected peers. In search of Superman, I accidentally discovered Clark Kent.
This had far-reaching ripple effects, mostly bad, on the rest of my life. I would no longer go to concerts or seek personal information on my favorite artists in fear of finding something negative that might change my opinion. Deep cynicism and mistrust seeped and eroded into a sort of boredom and malaise of humanity. For decades, I have so badly wanted that that exuberance and optimism back, and yet it escaped me; I ached to find something truly new and marvelous. But through the lenses I perceive the world there is little but self interest, and this blog is sort of an expression, a parody, maybe a metaphor of that; "LOBO" is written as a five year old child, devoid of a sense of consequence to action. Neither good nor evil, LOBO acts on the razor-edge Existential plane of exactly "here and now."
But that's just too depressing a conclusion.
-There must be something redeemable about existence beyond the general experience of it.
Right?
As a menial industrial minion of a book warehouse, I am allowed to listen to an iPod while doing my mind-numbingly dull job. And I find myself listening to highly-randomized lectures supplied by iTunesU. Recently, I rolled my eyes as Marshall Brain released one on how a toaster works.But it turned out to be pretty interesting.
In fact it got me thinking. Maybe turning on ESPN Sports Center or going down the rabbit hole of news and fiction of my choice is the problem.
-Perhaps our "comfort zones" are just too comfortable for our own good.
Go Fighty!
Predator Press
[LOBO]
It's a fact: people never give Predator Press any credit for the huge socio-economic and medical advances we have provided Humanity.
And how about the Science and Engineering?
Hm?
When we presented the alternative to 'Doggie Stairs' with our 160 horsepowered Doggie Centrifuge, did this fantastical technological advancement get mentioned in a Scientific American, Popular Mechanics, or maybe even a lousy Readers Digest?
No. We got "-but the dogs land in random places at crazy speeds!" blah blah.
So now where is Sports Illustrated on our groundbreaking 'Mag-Cat' Research and Development? My theory that cats -cunning natural predators equipped with lightning-fast reflexes, guile, and grace- are ideally suited for intense Air Hockey competition is gonna make us millions.
Just kiss my ass, Forbes.
First and foremost, the Air Hockey table -pointedly designed for humans- would have to undergo some minor modifications to provide for a suitable and level playing field for serious Feline Competition. So at great expense to you, our own Predator Press Scienticians magnetically reversed an Air Hockey table surface.
Unfortunately, cats are naturally highly-resistant to magnetism, and tiny little magnetically-repellant boots needed to be developed to respond to the magnetic fields. This realistically replicates the 120-decibel gravity-free Air Hockey environment for cats exactly as it would occur in nature.
We should have a good “regulation” set of these boots available commercially by Christmas. And while coming in at a hefty $850, you must remember that there are four ... plus we throw in our patented "This Side Up" polarity collar and a Buell helmet totally for free. Further, we think $850 is a small price to pay for any serious Air Hockey or cat safety enthusiast: once augmented with the $800 fire extinguisher mandated by California State, your cat will be howling past you on the freeway.Four of our cats can get to Madison Square Garden from here in eight minutes.
-Theoretically. They cannot read maps, and are complete suckers for every Stuckey's they see along the way.
But truthfully I do not consider an insatiable Pecan Roll dependency a side effect of our regimented and complex training: for several months now, one of Phil's kittens (due to her inexplicable and irritable disposition I call her "Fighty") has undergone 1,074 hours of observation actually wearing the boots, and she finally acclimated well to her vastly improved mobility -even with the chainsaw attachments.
And let me tell you buddy, she hates Pecan Rolls.
Fighty -already a Mag-Cat first season veteran- is ready for some healthy competition. And she's virtually undefeated! Her 27-1 record was most unfairly despoiled by Barbarossa rubbing her fur backwards during the Winter Halftime Show last February; this triggered a static discharge resulting in one hell of bang, four molten transformers, subsequent rolling blackouts, two crashed satellites, an irrepressible odor of burning hair permeating everything in the Lab, and me spilling my coffee.
Now, the fire department gets cats out of trees all the time, right? When's the last time you saw a cat skeleton in a tree? But you call those jerks and tell them about your smoldering and pissed steroid-jazzed chainsaw-wielding cat magnetically attached to the side of a water tower and see what happens.I swear those fire department guys are totally worthless.
Nonetheless, lil' Fighty today is an Air Hockey Champion nose-to-tail; just show her that plastic puck or a Pecan Roll, and she yowls, spits and hisses ...
(I should probably get her spayed.)
Forever is Our Today
[LOBO]
Forced into doing a job where I have to deal with the “Unboiled Masses,” I have caught a cold.
“Fornicorn” = A four-horned unicorn
-Many Predator Press readers immolated themselves. Many Predator Press readers jumped from tall buildings. Many Predator Press readers immolated themselves and then jumped from tall buildings.
And I kinda “get” the ones that immolated themselves. They effectively sterilized themselves instantaneously. But seriously what am I supposed to do with the “jumped from tall buildings” crowd?
Newt Gingrich "Seeing-Eye Orphan" Proposal Meets Cross-Platform Opposition
Hm?
So yeah I’m sick. And I’ve been babysitting Facebook and Twitter all day. To my surprise, a lot of people I’m fond of showed up.
"Books" = The Internet for Poor People
-And Unfinished Person did too!
The Astronaut Whisperer
Predator Press
[LOBO]
After being struck by a landing space shuttle, air traffic controller Dirk Elway’s life is completely transformed: sunken into the bleak menthol fog of Nyquil and Altoids addiction, even his goldfish have run away.
Similarly one of the surviving astronauts on board that very same space shuttle goes crazy, buys a box of Depends, and rides across the country –ultimately killing everyone in Twentynine Palms California with a rake.
On a hunch, Clint Eastwood –a world-renown Astronaut Whisperer- gambles that Dirk and The Astronaut’s macabre killing spree are somehow linked; armed with nothing but a 32 oz jar of Tang and a walkie-talkie Clint makes contact, culling the rogue Astronaut and reuniting him with ailing Dirk … but soon thereafter Dirk is mysteriously killed by an overdose of rake to the back of the skull.
Can Clint teach The Astronaut to laugh and love again? Will The Astronaut once again claim his coveted spot in the London Symphony Orchestra? And how can The Astonaut's lowly new job of testing 747 engines by tossing live seagulls into them let him rise once again to his once-lofty astronaut status? Only time and a ragtag group of Baptist church choir enthusiasts led by Whoopi Goldberg can tell.
We here at Predator Press give The Astronaut Whisperer, like, ten big thumbs up: this is the surprisingly engaging tale of an astronaut beset by tragedy and a love for gardening, and Clint's dogged and relentless efforts to repair his broken and battered spirit.
Scheduled for release this summer, it’s an uplifting, fun and romantic little film that’s a must-see for the whole family.
Nicolas Cage is not in this movie.
[LOBO]After being struck by a landing space shuttle, air traffic controller Dirk Elway’s life is completely transformed: sunken into the bleak menthol fog of Nyquil and Altoids addiction, even his goldfish have run away.
Similarly one of the surviving astronauts on board that very same space shuttle goes crazy, buys a box of Depends, and rides across the country –ultimately killing everyone in Twentynine Palms California with a rake.
On a hunch, Clint Eastwood –a world-renown Astronaut Whisperer- gambles that Dirk and The Astronaut’s macabre killing spree are somehow linked; armed with nothing but a 32 oz jar of Tang and a walkie-talkie Clint makes contact, culling the rogue Astronaut and reuniting him with ailing Dirk … but soon thereafter Dirk is mysteriously killed by an overdose of rake to the back of the skull.
Can Clint teach The Astronaut to laugh and love again? Will The Astronaut once again claim his coveted spot in the London Symphony Orchestra? And how can The Astonaut's lowly new job of testing 747 engines by tossing live seagulls into them let him rise once again to his once-lofty astronaut status? Only time and a ragtag group of Baptist church choir enthusiasts led by Whoopi Goldberg can tell.We here at Predator Press give The Astronaut Whisperer, like, ten big thumbs up: this is the surprisingly engaging tale of an astronaut beset by tragedy and a love for gardening, and Clint's dogged and relentless efforts to repair his broken and battered spirit.
Scheduled for release this summer, it’s an uplifting, fun and romantic little film that’s a must-see for the whole family.
Sunday
What The Hell Is Wrong With You, MicroSoft?
[LOBO]
I just made my default browser “Google Chrome” after what seems like far too much debate.
Only now does it occur to me that for decades the thought of buying an Apple computer over a PC would have been ardently scoffed at. I've been ‘on board’ with computers since the TI-99 -one could argue that’s from the inception of the Personal Computer Revolution- and so help me God, through the defective chip releases and temperamental software, I've been a PC guy all the way.
But I look around my desk to see an iPhone, iPod, iTunes, iThis, iThat … now I’ve even ditched even Internet Explorer. And you know what PC? I ain’t married to you either: if Apple brings all this CrApple together into one collapsible device the size of a DVD case or so, I can’t imagine Intel ever getting another nickel from me.
Unless it’s some sort of government bailout.
Harvester of Marrow
Predator Press
[LOBO]
This “blog,” while still somewhat of a pipsqueak, reaps some benefits Entrecard. Aside from an occasional random-seeming traffic burp, it averages 300-500 hits a day -roughly half of which are directly EC-related.
And I am what Entrecard users classify as a “Harvester.” Harvesters are the villainous and much-hated dastardly bastards that skim through sites at the highest velocity possible. The rate I “drop” versus the rate I read is hideous: when an Entrecarder blogs “I get a lot of new traffic, but they only stay for a fraction of a minute -clearly not reading,” they are complaining about me.
But let’s examine that for a second.
You got people to your site. Correct?
-And nobody reads your stuff?
So your conclusion is the failure to recognize your “brilliance” is because nobody recognizes your brilliance, right?
The fact is getting people to your blog is 95% of the battle; I assert that complaining they don’t stick around is essentially howling to potential new readers “My blog sucks, and it's your fault!” I'm concerned over zombie uprisings and the worrying speculation my burnt toast might’ve once had Jesus’ image on it: don't take it personally, but WTF could I possibly care about your coin collecting and Peruvian copper speculations? Gee, I’m sorry I wandered onto your site. Is there a quiz?
You’re an asshole for bitching that -despite the best possible opportunity- you have failed to grab people’s attention.
-You're probably a zombie too. And stay the fuck away from my toast!!!
I have found some great sites via EC. I've gained some great readers, too. Beyond that, I've clicked on a site 100 times before seeing something that interested me, and then started reading it regularly.
Plus, let's face it: we “Harvesters” are the best EC ads to buy. I’m not particularly disciplined, but I have enough regulars to break 100 or so a day daily –and with high-speed internet, I can do it in 20 minutes or so. Thus, if you’re advertised on my site, you’ll get the bulk of those hits reciprocated.
EC whiners shouldn't feel bad. Human history is chocked full of unrecognized "brilliance."
They won’t be lonely.
[LOBO]
This “blog,” while still somewhat of a pipsqueak, reaps some benefits Entrecard. Aside from an occasional random-seeming traffic burp, it averages 300-500 hits a day -roughly half of which are directly EC-related.
And I am what Entrecard users classify as a “Harvester.” Harvesters are the villainous and much-hated dastardly bastards that skim through sites at the highest velocity possible. The rate I “drop” versus the rate I read is hideous: when an Entrecarder blogs “I get a lot of new traffic, but they only stay for a fraction of a minute -clearly not reading,” they are complaining about me.
But let’s examine that for a second.
You got people to your site. Correct?
-And nobody reads your stuff?
So your conclusion is the failure to recognize your “brilliance” is because nobody recognizes your brilliance, right?
The fact is getting people to your blog is 95% of the battle; I assert that complaining they don’t stick around is essentially howling to potential new readers “My blog sucks, and it's your fault!” I'm concerned over zombie uprisings and the worrying speculation my burnt toast might’ve once had Jesus’ image on it: don't take it personally, but WTF could I possibly care about your coin collecting and Peruvian copper speculations? Gee, I’m sorry I wandered onto your site. Is there a quiz?
You’re an asshole for bitching that -despite the best possible opportunity- you have failed to grab people’s attention.
-You're probably a zombie too. And stay the fuck away from my toast!!!
I have found some great sites via EC. I've gained some great readers, too. Beyond that, I've clicked on a site 100 times before seeing something that interested me, and then started reading it regularly.
Plus, let's face it: we “Harvesters” are the best EC ads to buy. I’m not particularly disciplined, but I have enough regulars to break 100 or so a day daily –and with high-speed internet, I can do it in 20 minutes or so. Thus, if you’re advertised on my site, you’ll get the bulk of those hits reciprocated.
EC whiners shouldn't feel bad. Human history is chocked full of unrecognized "brilliance."
They won’t be lonely.
Tuesday
Am I the Only One that thinks Twitter is Crap?
Predator Press
[LOBO]
In the “What are you doing?” box, I put “typing” about 6,005,004 times until I learned that I could cut and paste stuff with hotkeys.
-Now I can put “Cutting and pasting ‘typing’ with hotkeys” 10 times faster than I ever could type “typing.”
But, but despite this markedly increased efficiency, I don’t get it.
Doctor Toboggans, you should stop "following" me now ... I won't be doing anymore updates.
I’m over this.
[LOBO]
In the “What are you doing?” box, I put “typing” about 6,005,004 times until I learned that I could cut and paste stuff with hotkeys.-Now I can put “Cutting and pasting ‘typing’ with hotkeys” 10 times faster than I ever could type “typing.”
But, but despite this markedly increased efficiency, I don’t get it.
Doctor Toboggans, you should stop "following" me now ... I won't be doing anymore updates.
I’m over this.
Saturday
Dear Entrecard,
Predator Press
[LOBO]
My first email was just a simple suggestion, and the Entrecard site says, quote: "We're very keen for any feedback you can give. Complaints about broken things, stuff you like, things you think are pretty or ugly, or even questions you'd like answered."
I can't bring my original query up because it wasn't in conventional email. But my suggestion was "Instead of subverting the ads we spent our credits on, why don't you just phase in "Paid Ads" after 120 seconds or so?"
Brilliant, right?
The response was this:
"Hi,
Thank you for your email. Please restate your question because I'm unsure what you're asking. We have the sponsor ads which Entrecard reserves 15% of the ad network inventory for sponsors.
Please let us know if you have any other questions.
Entrecard Support
This prompted my response:
"Seriously.
-You have NO IDEA what I'm talking about? How about forwarding this email to one of your supervisors?
Lemme simplify:
When you do a "PAID AD" (aka an ad where you subvert our credits for cash), how about making the "PAID AD" (the ad where you subvert our credits for cash) phase in after a minute or so? That way our "CREDITS" -the mystical crap you made up so we get something for spreading the word about your site- is still actually worth something?
-And PS: does EC even have 300 people a day I can "drop" on anymore????"
:)
[LOBO]
My first email was just a simple suggestion, and the Entrecard site says, quote: "We're very keen for any feedback you can give. Complaints about broken things, stuff you like, things you think are pretty or ugly, or even questions you'd like answered."
I can't bring my original query up because it wasn't in conventional email. But my suggestion was "Instead of subverting the ads we spent our credits on, why don't you just phase in "Paid Ads" after 120 seconds or so?"
Brilliant, right?
The response was this:
"Hi,
Thank you for your email. Please restate your question because I'm unsure what you're asking. We have the sponsor ads which Entrecard reserves 15% of the ad network inventory for sponsors.
Please let us know if you have any other questions.
Entrecard Support
This prompted my response:
"Seriously.
-You have NO IDEA what I'm talking about? How about forwarding this email to one of your supervisors?
Lemme simplify:
When you do a "PAID AD" (aka an ad where you subvert our credits for cash), how about making the "PAID AD" (the ad where you subvert our credits for cash) phase in after a minute or so? That way our "CREDITS" -the mystical crap you made up so we get something for spreading the word about your site- is still actually worth something?
-And PS: does EC even have 300 people a day I can "drop" on anymore????"
:)
Sunday
The Predator Press IQ Test
Predator Press
[LOBO]
The worst economy in the world is associated with:
a) Calcutta
b) California
c) Entrecard
Who loves the most people?
a) Oprah
b) Jesus
c) David Letterman
2+2=
a) 3
b) 5
c) Playing Pictionary with our geeky, jackass neighbors who never bring food, and don’t know **** about ****.
“End of Second Quarter” is another term for:
a) Halftime
b) Twenty-five cents
c) Oh holy crap I hope there’s nobody in the bathroom
If a black hole the size of Manhattan appeared in Pennsylvania:
a) The ACLU would sue it for defamation
b) The price of #2 pennsyils would skyrocket
c) Jon Gosselin has hope for new realty TV series
Result:
IQ=957
See? ALL Predator Press readers are GENIUSES
(Except for guys named 'Travis.' I hate those jerks! Know why King Travis the Second never conquered Rome? 'Cus there never was no King Travis -First, Second or Third: it's a name we just made up, like, twenty years ago! If you're going to bother making up names, try something with cajones .... like 'Chainsaw' or something. Unless you're a guy. If you're a guy, go for 'Todd.')
[LOBO]
The worst economy in the world is associated with:a) Calcutta
b) California
c) Entrecard
Who loves the most people?
a) Oprah
b) Jesus
c) David Letterman
2+2=
a) 3
b) 5
c) Playing Pictionary with our geeky, jackass neighbors who never bring food, and don’t know **** about ****.
“End of Second Quarter” is another term for:
a) Halftime
b) Twenty-five cents
c) Oh holy crap I hope there’s nobody in the bathroom
If a black hole the size of Manhattan appeared in Pennsylvania:
a) The ACLU would sue it for defamation
b) The price of #2 pennsyils would skyrocket
c) Jon Gosselin has hope for new realty TV series
IQ=957
See? ALL Predator Press readers are GENIUSES
(Except for guys named 'Travis.' I hate those jerks! Know why King Travis the Second never conquered Rome? 'Cus there never was no King Travis -First, Second or Third: it's a name we just made up, like, twenty years ago! If you're going to bother making up names, try something with cajones .... like 'Chainsaw' or something. Unless you're a guy. If you're a guy, go for 'Todd.')
Thursday
The Brood Network
Predator Press
[LOBO]
A vague dalliance with "Facebook" has given me an often-unrequested glimpse into the past, and friends from way back are beginning to build their own blogs and web page variants.
One remarked recently that Predator Press was weird.
"Weird!" I says indignant. "Just look at her site. It's like 1000 pictures of her kids she slapped together a few months ago."
"Blogging means different things to different people," Terri defended.
"Well that's weird if you ask me," I retort. "Putting up pictures and the names of your kids on the internet seems like an invitation to weirdoes. And if your audience is weirdoes, that's weird by definition."
"What's your point?" she asks sarcastically.
Skimming, I scroll down to the bottom of the page and find the following quote:
NO TO PLAGIARISM
***Please don't RIP nor COPY any CONTENTS here.***
***LEARN TO RESPECT***
Terri chuckles over my shoulder. "She's obviously very protective."
I scowl checking the hit counter. "Well we got kids fair and square. I might want to capitalize on this idea while I can -particularly with Screechy on the verge of moving out on his own."
Terri stares. "He's seven."
"We can't coddle him forever!"
[LOBO]A vague dalliance with "Facebook" has given me an often-unrequested glimpse into the past, and friends from way back are beginning to build their own blogs and web page variants.
One remarked recently that Predator Press was weird.
"Weird!" I says indignant. "Just look at her site. It's like 1000 pictures of her kids she slapped together a few months ago."
"Blogging means different things to different people," Terri defended.
"Well that's weird if you ask me," I retort. "Putting up pictures and the names of your kids on the internet seems like an invitation to weirdoes. And if your audience is weirdoes, that's weird by definition."
"What's your point?" she asks sarcastically.
Skimming, I scroll down to the bottom of the page and find the following quote:
NO TO PLAGIARISM
***Please don't RIP nor COPY any CONTENTS here.***
***LEARN TO RESPECT***
Terri chuckles over my shoulder. "She's obviously very protective."
I scowl checking the hit counter. "Well we got kids fair and square. I might want to capitalize on this idea while I can -particularly with Screechy on the verge of moving out on his own."
Terri stares. "He's seven."
"We can't coddle him forever!"
Wednesday
In the Symphony of Dissonance
Predator Press [LOBO]
On Sunday, Terri came across this great little story on Joshua Bell and we spend a good hour "buzzing" about it: this guy lays a hat down at a subway station and earns $32 in forty-five minutes.
Now the fun comes in when you find out he's one of the best violinists in the world, and a few days prior had sold out a show at the paltry sum of $100 per head. The violin he used? Well I'm guessing he wanted to get a really old one so he could fool his audience, and "beater" violins are hard to come by: this one set him back $3,500,000.
For "non-readers," a good YouTube distillation of it can be found here, and the site Hoax-Slayer asserts the story's truth.
Anywho, boom: switch to Monday Night.
While sifting through blogs a thought crept into my braincase, and I'm particularly aware of this because of the rarity of the event: Why is that Joshua Bell story so interesting? Is clever irony that difficult to find? What makes a good post or story in the first place?
I decided to make a little log of little things -good or bad- that caught my eye as I surfed. I'm not going to link them up as some of them aren't particularly flattering, and I'm far too young and beautiful to die.
But here goes:
Hip Hop Hats:
Are you "positive" you are wearing your clothing correctly?According to GQ, a properly-placed cap faces the same direction as your toes -unless you were horribly disfigured in a car accident and your toes don't point forward. In this case the bill should be on the same side as the zipper on your pants.
If your toes were horribly disfigured in a car accident and you're wearing parachute pants you're pretty screwed. Start listening to country music instead: those hats are generally invertible.
The Title "Our Journey To Forever":
That slays me. You know how you brain skims lines and finishes sentences for you? While the page loads my brain reads "Our Long, Long, Long, Long Journey ..."
The word "long" isn't even in the damn thing.
This title sounds excruciating; when I visit, I half expect to see skeletons with backpacks scattered around a cobweb-covered egg timer.
If we have 'forever,' I'm just going to chill here for a few thousand years.
Don't wait up.
The Title "A Mother of Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow":I'm no master of the use of the comma, but this gives me a mother of a headache. You know, the one you inevitably get while watching sci-fi stories about wormholes and stuff?
Okay. Is there only one mother, or are they three different ones? Can 'mother of tomorrow' get me lottery numbers? What if you had the baby the day before yesterday ... who was the mother then? If it wasn't you, how can you be a mother now? What happens to the 'mother of tomorrow' if the ‘mother of yesterday’ decides to wear a condom instead? Can 'mother of tomorrow' beat up 'mother of yesterday' due to better technologies, or would 'mother of yesterday' murder 'mother of tomorrow' before she even knew about it? If 'mother of tomorrow' kills 'mother of yesterday,' mother of yesterday won't exist tomorrow -thus, 'mother of tomorrow' has no one to kill when the scenario arises: what happens then? Is yesterday's tomorrow today -so this whole thing only lasts for a total of three days- or is today tomorrow's yesterday in perpetuity? And if mothers are so good at time travel, why the hell do my socks keep disappearing ... ?
The Terms "Pinay" and "Pinoy":
If my mom said "We're going to the boardwalk, and I'm going to push you around in a stroller with a pinay on top," I would be, like, cool with it. But then I would think Man my mom is weird. And then I would think I couldn't even fit in a stroller, could I? And then I would think WTF is a "pinay?"Well it turns out "Pinays" aren't those shiny colorful things on a stick that spin in the wind. Those are pinwheels. This whole time I figured maybe a "pinay" was a pinwheel that spins clockwise, and a "pinoy" is one that spins, you know, counterclockwise.
But actual "Pinays" are very heavy in contrast, and often accompanied by large contingents of "Pinoys."
Well good luck getting those on a factory spec stroller.
Mom is just plain 'ol racist and mean.
The Overly-Optimistic Idea Of How Cute Your Kids Are:
Okay, for the last two years we’ve seen a huge surge in stay-at-home mom bloggers. Fine. But moms are notorious for thinking their kids are the “cutest thing” -I think it’s a primitive biological survival trick by Nature so's most of our species is fooled into not leaving them in prom trashcans.Darwin, I love you ... but yikes, man! Some of these kids have big freaky bulging eyes and that trailer park dentistry where the heavily-gapped teeth seem to whirl and snag in impossibly horrible different directions.
-I don't know how people can sleep with one of those creepy drooling bald things crawling around the house.
Catchy Graphics:
Okay this one requires an example image. Check this out:
Kewl, huh? A powerful, scantily clad-sorceress with decorative intimidating entourage accessories: at first blush this says "Tremble before my blog, ye misogynist dragons!"
-But wait.
Ummmm .... okay. I'f she's preggers, it has to be from the weird blue guy on the far right of the lineup: her +6 Mace of Eye Burning would have likely worked on all the others 'cuz they all actually have eyes. As a result her Child Support will arrive only sporadically, and often in the form of alien heads and pelts.But if she's not preggers it gets exponentially more complex; wouldn't one of those big scary thugs at some point question her powers -powers that have thus far failed to conjure her up even a Nordic Track?
Well which is she now, a shameless mystical warrior space floozy or a soon-to-be-behemoth, Coors Light guzzling magical fraud? I don't know. But I've come to your blog to be entertained, not to be exhausted by speculation on this woman's brazen equivocation and loose morals. At least she'll be too busy skulking around dungeons to make a blog that I gotta see her kids on.
Still, it does beg the question of what medieval trailer parks might look like. And in a universe utterly devoid of El Camino hubcaps, what in the world would she use as a candy dish? A shield maybe?
-Okay, screw it. This is flat-out the best banner I've ever seen, and I'm "bookmarking" this site.
Anywho the "moral of the story" is sure there's a lot of mind-numbing stuff out there. But don't be one of the 1000 plus people that rushed past Joshua Bell while he's playing his heart out: if any one of them took pause to consider what they might be missing, they coulda bashed him upside the head with a tire iron and grabbed that $3,500,000 violin.
-A violin I could have easily fenced for sixty cents on the dollar.
Humor-Blogs Fantasy Football League!
Friday
Exclusive: Did Ahmadinejad Murder Michael Jackson?
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Following up on ABC News and CNN stories asserting online queries regarding the death of Michael Jackson nearly brought down the internet, Predator Press has uncovered what will doubtlessly be the largest international murder plot in the history of humankind.
"Michael Jackson's death caused an 'internet overload,' crashing popular sites such as Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, YouTube and Google," said a very scientific-looking guy. "When you consider that these are the primary methods of communication for Hossein Mousavi's revolutionary supporters, it's clear this was no accident."
Jackson's nose is anticipated to bring in upwards of $600,000 on eBay, and videos of Ahmadinejad militants training for the macabre mission on Mister Potato Heads probably exist.
Probably.
[LOBO]
Following up on ABC News and CNN stories asserting online queries regarding the death of Michael Jackson nearly brought down the internet, Predator Press has uncovered what will doubtlessly be the largest international murder plot in the history of humankind."Michael Jackson's death caused an 'internet overload,' crashing popular sites such as Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, YouTube and Google," said a very scientific-looking guy. "When you consider that these are the primary methods of communication for Hossein Mousavi's revolutionary supporters, it's clear this was no accident."
Jackson's nose is anticipated to bring in upwards of $600,000 on eBay, and videos of Ahmadinejad militants training for the macabre mission on Mister Potato Heads probably exist.
Probably.
Wednesday
Saturday
Predator Press Commemorates Global Dig Dug Day
Predator Press
[LOBO and guest Beau Horner]
Oh sure we celebrate firemen and police or whatever. But how often do these so-called "heroes" go toe-to-toe with fire breathing dragons and deadly balloon-like creatures sporting Oakleys?
Most people think that "The Dug's" contribution to Humankind is limited to gardening safety. But let me tell you pal Indiana Jones has nothing on this guy! Read The Nothing Report author Beau Horner's harrowing account of the unearthing of Cleopatra's tomb:
"Cleopatra, better known as 'Patty,' was discovered frozen in time in the infamous 'walk like an Egyptian' pose, underneath several layers of strata....apparently they're color coded now. The only person capable of traveling this far down into the earth was David Duchovny, A.K.A Dig Dug. All of his crew unfortunately was wearing over-sized goggles in the hopes of bringing some laughs to the party."-The fact that Dig Dug heralds employment for David Duchovny alone gives one a brief glimpse into the staggering influence Double-D has in our everyday lives.
But what would a world without this unsung hero actually look like? The Moon -once a lush tropical environment and a candidate for filming "Lost" episodes- is now a barren rock unsuitable even for people from Los Angeles.A tearful Duchovny recalls the events in chilling detail: "It was a war that couldn't be won. In that gravity instead of crushing the monsters the rocks would just bounce off -dammit they would just bounce off! Have you ever heard a Fygar laugh? It's terrifying. Hold me."
So here's to you, David "Dig Dug" Duchovny.
-May you live a long, full life fighting evil down there.
(Clicking the Lego icons immediately left and right will bring you to different amusing Dig Dug YouTube spoofs.)Tomb of Cleopatra Discovered!
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I'm laughing at this idea too hard to actually write it.
-The best suitable story for this entered in "comments" will be republished with full credit to the guest writer.
:)
Sunday
Snarquis de Sade
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I know you all have seen this image in the past, but I wanted to update my screenshot on various services: this is my all-time favorite Photoshop –a pic originally spawned by my buddy Speedcat Hollydale. (You can see his original version by clicking the pic.)
For me, today is general blog maintenance: I’ve added a “Top Commenter” widget (see ”Pack Mentality,” right), and Twitter –although I’m not 100% on Twitter yet. While currently unfamiliar and purely experimental, please feel free to add me as a Twitter follower [@SnarquisDeSade] and I’ll return the favor.
-I don’t really foresee being able to devote a lot of time to Twitter, but at the very least I regard it as a handy little shorthand tool for keeping track of some of my favorite people.
[LOBO]
I know you all have seen this image in the past, but I wanted to update my screenshot on various services: this is my all-time favorite Photoshop –a pic originally spawned by my buddy Speedcat Hollydale. (You can see his original version by clicking the pic.)For me, today is general blog maintenance: I’ve added a “Top Commenter” widget (see ”Pack Mentality,” right), and Twitter –although I’m not 100% on Twitter yet. While currently unfamiliar and purely experimental, please feel free to add me as a Twitter follower [@SnarquisDeSade] and I’ll return the favor.
-I don’t really foresee being able to devote a lot of time to Twitter, but at the very least I regard it as a handy little shorthand tool for keeping track of some of my favorite people.
Monday
Friday
"Dropping" Out
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Yesterday, after logging into Entrecard for the first time in a few days, I received the following mind-blowing message:
-Boy did you guys manage to hit the wrong guy on the wrong day and in the wrong mood.
I use an increasingly rarified two-column template, so people can start reading immediately while the page loads below: if you look -minus a placard and my Playlist- Entrecard is the fourth from the top link out already. By virtue of this policy, Entrecard is essentially demanding to be my first link.
Now lemme explain first how Predator Press advertising works: you bring me traffic, copious amounts of amusement, or cash. Period. An frankly, according to Google Analytics, Entrecard currently sits poised to sink below AllTop -and I would be jazzed to move Guy Kawasaki's creation into Entrecard's slot.
Know why?
-Cuz he did this crazy weird thing I call earning Entrecard's slot.
Furthermore, Entrecard demanding to become my Number One link -even before this "Paid Advertiser" debacle- is statistically laughable; Entrecard has never warranted Number One status in any way, shape or form ever. As a matter of fact -now that I look- I'm thinking the Number Four spot Entrecard currently holds is far too generous!
In response to Entrecard's threat, I was tempted to rectify this "ranking error" (aka "Deep Six" this *ahem* service as appropriate) -but alas, unawares of ever-changing, eh, "standards"- I have already approved numerous Entrecard ads! (See for some, changing up the rules midstream when you have an existing agreement might be considered slightly, well, the word "Immoral" comes to mind.)(See also: "Dishonest")
(-These buzzwords are loosely affiliated with something called "Integrity." Somebody at Entrecard should look that definition up first.)
Hopefully Entrecard will pull it’s head out of it’s keyster before it’s too late ... but just in case I no longer accept ads. I will, however, honor any ads already in cue.
If Entrecard decides to delete my account beforehand, please –by all means- raise hell for the refund you are entitled to.
I'll help.
-It'll be fun.
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