Predator Press
[LOBO]
he Vile Prince of Zanzibar, a mirror in each hand, peered from every angle he could imagine.
"It makes me look small, doesn't it?"
"Did you want us to make you a small throne so you look larger?"
The Prince's eyes flashed. "Mind your tongue, or you may not keep it," he warned. "But this throne definitely makes me look tiny. I want everyone in Zanzibar familiar with the concept of geometry executed."
"Yeah. Sure," shrugged the advisor. "I'll get right on that. Meanwhile I do have some good news."
"I
love good news!" cried the prince. "Is it a pony?"
"We have captured the scourge Ox Nuts!"
Just then the doors flew open, and horrible screeching sound filled the throne room. Ox Nuts twisted his impossibly wide shoulders to enter. Each wrist was chained to a separate ship anchor that dragged noisily as he walked.
"Jesus Christ!" exclaimed the prince.
"Indeed," the advisor nodded. "What shall we do with him?"
"Execute him. In fact, new rule: 'No more non-executed prisoners in the throne room.'"
***
Mortal men usually die within few hours, but Ox Nuts was tortured for forty days and forty nights. This caused many Union infractions, and was finally growing on the prince's last nerve.
"Why do we have to execute him
in the throne room?" the prince demanded. "If I hear 'kootchy-kootchy-koo' one more time ..."
"I have an idea," said the advisor. The cloaked man in black seemed to flow eerily to the executioner's ear, and from his pocket he produced something the mere sight of which made the gasping Ox Nuts groan.
A feather.
"I am loosing my patience. Perhaps we have been too hospitable to out guest," soothed the advisor in a reptilian laced quip, waving the quill gracefully. "Remove his shoes."
-But Ox Nuts was ready. Once he was barefoot, he grabbed the executioner's neck in one foot, and ripped off the top of his skull with the other. Then he scooped out the executioner's brains in one mighty toenail, and jammed them into the advisor's eyes, blinding him.
"Eeyew!" cried the blinded advisor.
Surging with new-found strength, Ox Nuts rose to his bloody, brain-splattered feet. And dragging the anchors chained to his wrists, he took another step to the throne.
"Where's the girl?" he growled, his sepulchral voice could be felt in the marble floor.
"Do you think I a fool?" the Vile Prince laughed. "If you harm me, you will
never find her!"
Another screeching step.
Ox Nuts' muscles bulged, and he lunged one anchor significantly further. The marble cracked all the way to the prince's flip flops.
"I'll bet she is in your iPhone" Ox Nuts glowered.
"Okay okay fine," said the Vile Prince, flipping through his contacts. "I was just kidding. Here. I will put her on speakerphone."
The phone rang.
"What now Larry?"
"Honey. It's the Vile Prince of Zanzibar. Remember what I said about when we were on speakerphone?"
"Whatever Larry."
"Honey, uh, there's someone in the throne room that wants to see you."
"Well I just painted my toenails. Plus I am shopping on QVC. I just bought a limited collection of porcelain dolphins that will look splendid in our QVC storage unit. And did you know Kim Kardahian had her baby? The sink is still dripping and all the murderholes are clogged with leaves. What ever happened to that television show 'The Facts of Life?' I really like Tutti ..."
"Gwendolyn," said Ox Nuts, straining another step. "It is
I, Ox Nuts. I am here to rescue you from the Vile Prince of Zanzibar."
"Well I won't have time to shave my legs. But I can pluck my eyebrows right? I mean I will save time since I don't need to put panties on. Should I go with an elegant flowing princess gown with a tiara and maybe some tasteful bracelets? Or something like a hot tomboy tough girl, ready for adventure? I just BeDazzled a skull onto this really cute denim vest. But I don't know what kind of shoes to wear with it. I should just go with boots probably ... "
Another step.
Ox Nuts glowered. "If you touched her, I will make your suffering legendary."
"Ox Nuts I'm fine. He's my husband. He can't touch me. Larry made up the whole prince thing because he was trying to trap me in an affair."
"I will make your suffering legendary," the Vile Prince repeated, mockingly. "Meh. Where do you get your dialog? Rent-a-Center? You are about to kill your nemesis and rescue the girl. This is the best you can do? I mean there are dozens of people here to witness this history."
"Yes. Make in impression" Gwendolyn advised.
"Say something authoritative and menacing like, 'My vagina hurts. The rest of you guys are going to have to settle for blow jobs.'"
[LOBO]
Soon thereafter, her arrest at a Star Trek convention for the assault of George Lucas made the papers worldwide. She would subsequently tell police, “I kept punching [Lucas] until my knuckles could feel the inside of the back of his head.” Uhura nonetheless denied any motivation involving the hot Star Trek v Star Wars rivalry. “I just wanted [Lucas] to stop making shitty movies. Somebody should have done that in 1983.”
Now experimenting with drugs, Uhura's behavior only became increasingly erratic. According to Wikipedia, “Star Trek III: The Search for Spock sees Uhura take an assignment in the transporter room as part of a plot to steal the Enterprise. After locking a colleague in a closet, Uhura uses the transporter station to beam Kirk, Leonard McCoy and Hikaru Sulu to the Enterprise so they can use it to rescue Spock from the Genesis Planet.”
Uhura’s prosecutors found this defense preposterous. “She locked a guy in a closet?“ said District Attorney Jorge Sackwood. “Okay. Forget that the future doesn’t even have bathrooms … but there is a closet in the Transporter Room? Why? Is it full of red shirts? Or is it simply there for Sulu to come out of?” 
After an embarrassing appearance on History Channel’s Pawn Stars in an attempt to sell her tricorder and phaser, Ohura finally caught a romantic break and started dating Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison. And because she never did a film with Nicolas Cage or Rob Schneider, this was the same year she was awarded two Predator Press Oscars, six Predator Press Emmys, and three Predator Press Nobel Peace Prizes. 
Predator Press 
Conveniently, all Mel Gibson's freinds don’t wear pants either, and have gathered together on this big island -probably Hawaii- so’s Merlin's British guys can kill them with maximum efficiency. In historical context, this inadvertently causes America to declare war on Britain and drags us into World War II. Was Merlin elected by the Japanese when he bombed Pearl Harbor? Or did Merlin create the Godless Yellow Hoard with the explicit intent of pulling the Aloha Spirit out of Franklin D. Roosevelt’s keyster? Hm? Hell I don’t know man … shit that was a long time ago. We may never know for sure. The fact that the first half of this movie is total 'Chick Flick' didn't help, and I found myself fast-forwarding a lot.
As far as the Predator Press Movie-Middle Review, we give Braveheart, like, sixty-six thumbs up. The exploding stuff, fight scenes, gratuitous violence, and historical accuracy had it on the cusp of a beefy two hundred and sixteen thumbs up, but the middle of Braveheart suffered from the glaring absence of nudity, robots, and football. It was also dinged grammatically for the improper contraction of the words "Brave" and "Heart." Further, it wasn't in 3-D, Sigourney Weaver wasn't in it, and it wasn't Avatar -an automatic eleven-thumb penalty.
[LOBO]
If you doubt any this tragic story, Guy-Lombardo101@aol.com can verify it.
[Mr I] 
[Mr Insanity] 
[LOBO]
[LOBO]
Man in Suit with Pistol: “After a hard day of espionage, who has time to blog?”
[hey, who the &@# hired this *@#! narrator?]
Guy on Yacht: “Thank God you finally have arrived LOBO. I have to decide between blogging and going to the Big Party tonight. And Princess Fantasia is going to be there! What shall I do?”
Surgeon: “LOBO, chicks think my blog is really dull. Can you help me spice it up so they will dig me?”
[here’s where I narrate a montage of really scientific-looking lab equipment. cue upbeat sciency music]
Another Nurse Previously Mocking Surgeon: "Do you think the surgeon would mind if we all go skinnydipping?”
But boxing grizzly bears is a terrible way to eek out a meager existence, especially when you just got promoted to astronaut! In the final match, the Emperor Grizzly Bear cheats and punctures Barry's pressure suit in the third round and is disqualitied. (I think Rob Schneider is a shoe-in for ‘Best Supporting Actor,’ particularly because he doesn’t appear in this movie.)
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Can Clint teach The Astronaut to laugh and love again? Will The Astronaut once again claim his coveted spot in the London Symphony Orchestra? And how can The Astonaut's lowly new job of testing 747 engines by tossing live seagulls into them let him rise once again to his once-lofty astronaut status? Only time and a ragtag group of Baptist church choir enthusiasts led by Whoopi Goldberg can tell.
Predator Press 
In 1996, Herbert Khaury -better know as Tiny Tim, and for his rendition of “Tiptoe Through the Tulips”- suddenly died, and a huge talent vacuum ensued.
So you see, Bret Lockett needed to crack The List.
Well it turns out that my fourth grade Physical Education teacher Coach Berkowitz would be difficult to reach: he had just retired, and was touring the southwest in a Winnebago. For Lockett, this fact alone might not have been convincing when staring down the Hilton/Kardashian barrel … But one must keep in mind that Coach Berkowitz is a very hairy individual; Bret Lockett’s alcohol consumption may not be where it need be to go through with the dirty deed.
Anyway, Kim K denies the whole thing. And this is as cruel to Lockett as it is dumb for Kardashian, because Lockett must now come forth with sordid, intimate details about Kardashian that only another lover would know … thusly doomed with an impossible task and helpless against his own unbridled ambition, Bret Lockett would inevitably become the only victim here.
Predator Press
“So am I. Some waffles would kick ass right now.”
“Dude,” says Lenny eyeing the palm tree carefully. “One of the heroes could be like a big giant space dog or something. A big giant spacedog that shoots a crossbow.”
“I don't know," says George. "How could I possibly work in a big giant gay outlaw pirate smuggler slave hero spacedog that can shoot crossbows and fly spaceships? This seems a bit far-fetched. I'll have to scale it back somewhere. Plus I was hoping to keep these movies kid-friendly.”
"
