Jackson Tweens Caught With Stun Gun, DCFS Conducting Investigation

Predator Press

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According to TMZ -because one of the children had somehow acquired a stun gun- the Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an investigation of the Jackson family.

So what’s the big deal? If I was 13 and lived in the Jackson home, I would want a stun gun too. They got giraffes 'an crap!

Look. I’m a staunch NRA supporter. And when I last checked, our Nation’s children were protected by a little thing called The Constitution. I for one love my stun gun. How else is one expected to deal with unwanted visits from Jehovah’s Witnesses and Census Takers? Kids getting a firearm should be a prerequisite for graduating kindergarten, thus beginning early the long road of preparation for the firefight formerly known as college.

Sure there’ll be a handful of you sanctimonious, whiny liberals, "But LOBO, a gun can be dangerous -especially when used by children!”

Pthbbbt! Where do you people come up with these ideas? And I didn't say give 'em, like, grenades or something: one measly stun gun is great fun for the whole family!

Don‘t believe me? This morning the Butterbean kid got sent over to borrow a cup of sugar, and I‘ve been stunning him ever since. I even recharged it twice. He’s fine. In the process, I even uncovered some false advertising: the box my stun gun came in says explicitly, “Will incapacitate virtually any assailant instantly.” But this little prick keeps twitching!

And this further illustrates my point, doesn‘t it?

If this little bastard had a gun, none of this would have ever happened.

Update: Michael Jackson Still Dead

Predator Press

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According to various news sources, Predator Press has confirmed that Michael Jackson is still dead.

“We were thrown off by four minutes of non-Jackson related stories yesterday,” cites a Predator Press insider. “About ninety seconds in, we totally forgot.”

CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News did not immediately return our numerous phone calls.

“I am outraged,” our source continues. “What kind of so-called ‘journalism’ is that?”

“There’s still plenty of much-needed affirmation available,” says the source’s wife. “Why the four minute gap in coverage? My hairdresser had a dream about Jackson in 2008, and has yet to be interviewed.”

Sven Roberts, 31, concurs. “I remember it as if it was yesterday. I had done two perms and seven highlights in about four hours, and got a little woozy from the fumes. While napping in the back room, I dreamed that Michael Jackson and I were running through Grand Central Station in our underpants while the commuters tried to pelt us with sour cream and guacamole. We almost made it, but alas, Michael stumbled at the exit and was overtaken. I ran back, but it was too late.” A tearful Roberts continues with difficulty. “Once down, they got him with the whole seven layer dip. It was horrible.”

Even the facts corroborating this seven layer dip story are eerie: the words Roberts, Central, Station, Michael and Jackson all have seven letters each.

Creepy, eh?

Predator Press Exclusive! Shocking and Totally Legal Michael Jackson Will Found

Predator Press

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Dr. Conrad Murray is Guilty of SOMETHING

Predator Press

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Okay, let’s face it: the Michael Jackson story isn’t just fuelled by his stardom … there’s a lot of weirdness here too.

Why did the good doc take a leave of absence from his practice, sign up for the London tour, and then just boogie –without even providing information to the paramedics or police first?

Isn’t that the point of having a personal physician on staff?

I smell a rat … and were I a responsible journalist, I would pursue this story with a ruthless zeal.

Unfortunately, I’m currently drafting a story about cat farts.

Exclusive: Did Ahmadinejad Murder Michael Jackson?

Predator Press

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Following up on ABC News and CNN stories asserting online queries regarding the death of Michael Jackson nearly brought down the internet, Predator Press has uncovered what will doubtlessly be the largest international murder plot in the history of humankind.

"Michael Jackson's death caused an 'internet overload,' crashing popular sites such as Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, YouTube and Google," said a very scientific-looking guy. "When you consider that these are the primary methods of communication for Hossein Mousavi's revolutionary supporters, it's clear this was no accident."

Jackson's nose is anticipated to bring in upwards of $600,000 on eBay, and videos of Ahmadinejad militants training for the macabre mission on Mister Potato Heads probably exist.

Probably.

PREDATOR PRESS EXCLUSIVE

Predator Press

Infuriated, Michael Jackson insists
he is Anna Nicole's 'baby-daddy'