Predator Press
[LOBO]
God made man in His image.
-But man was a slob. First he stopped shaving. Then he blew far past ‘love handles,' and went straight into full-fledged
Wisconsin Goiter.
“Adam,” says God. “You look
terrible!”
“Well gee thanks God,” replied Adam. “Be sure you sign me up for your self-esteem seminars.”
“Adam, I’m going to make you a woman.”
“But what will all my friends say?”
“No, idiot. I mean I’m going to create you a companion.”
Now Adam, indeed, wasn’t all that bright: he imagined animated conversations about football and endless ‘pull my finger’ jokes.
“Cool,” he says.
“Give me one of your ribs,” says God.
“Here you go,” says Adam.
“Ugh,” says God. “You’ve got barbeque sauce in your beard.”
Adam wiped his beard with a napkin. “Do you want some of this coleslaw? This coleslaw
rocks.”
“No. Just the rib, thanks.”
And from Adam’s rib sprung Eve.
“What a
dump!” Eve complained.
“Okay,” says God. “My work here is done. You kids have fun now.”
“Thanks God,” says Adam.
“It’s
filthy,” says Eve.
“Oh yeah,” says God as He recedes into the clouds. “One more thing. Stay the hell away from My apples, or I’ll invent the tire iron and beat you to death with it.”
“Okay God!” says Adam, waving.
“Ugh,” says Eve. “Is that barbeque sauce?”
***
Within a month, Adam had lost 50 pounds.
-Because Eve had eaten everything in sight.
Eve had gained so much weight that he couldn’t fit on the bed anymore, and often slept on the floor.
He got up and stretched carefully.
-His back was now completely wrecked.
As he surveyed the devastated remains of The Garden, his stomach growled; the crops were gone, and a huge pile of animal bones by the fire pit were all that remained of the wildlife.
Scratching his head and wondering how Eve even got the leaves off of the
top of the trees, he heard a subtle, rustling sound.
A squirrel.
“Oh thank heavens,” said Adam.
But the scrawny animal had no intention of becoming Adam and Eve’s breakfast so easily. It scampered, ran and bounded out of Adam’s reach, and finally up the Tree of Knowledge. And there were those glorious apples: round and firm, a deep crimson -so sweet and heavy, the branches arched painfully under their burgeoning weight.
“Come down from there squirrel,” Adam cajoled, “and I’ll make it quick and painless!”
But the squirrel wasn’t listening. It was sniffing an apple excitedly.
“I wouldn’t do that if-“
Crunch
Suddenly there was thunder and lightning, and God’s voice boomed from the sky. “What the hell,” He says, “did I tell you people about eating My damn
apples!?”
Frightened, the squirrel dropped the apple, and Adam caught it.
Adam looked at the apple, and then at the squirrel.
If God catches me with this, he thought,
I’m screwed. And if I explain that the squirrel did it, I’ll have no breakfast.
Looking around and thinking quickly, he spotted Eve, still slumbering and snoring loudly.
“Who
dared?” demanded God.
Thinking quickly, Adam lobbed the apple, and it fell to rest right next her.
“Eve!” yelled God.
“Wha-?“ she said, starting to wake.
“Eve, what
happened?” demanded God.
“She really let herself go once you left,” said Adam.
“No, I mean why hast thou disobeyed my Word and eaten of the Forbidden Fruit?’
“But I
didn’t!” insisted Eve.
Adam threw his hands up in a frustrated shrug. “I tried to stop her.”
“Begone from my garden!” said God.
And
poof, Eve was gone.
Adam sighed, shaking his head. “You know, you give some people an inch ...”
“Yes,” said God disappointedly. “I guess so. Say Adam, when are you barbequing again?”
“Do you like squirrel?”
n the Seventh Day, God and Jesus were in the garage working on Jesus' Pinewood Derby car. Both were frustrated, because Jesus' healing powers kept making the blocks of wood turn back into trees. They tried everything: gloves, robots, idiots, dinosaurs ... but nothing worked, and soon the garage was stuffed with pine trees. This, coupled with the annoying habit Jesus had of making slurpy sounds with his straw, frustrated God to the point that He created the horrifically disgusting dump we all know as "Earth."
