The Phantom Membership
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Episode IVXIv.2
The Empire Strikes Out
President Bush called General Petraeus.
"You want me to bomb a city in the continental US?" asks Petraeus incredulously.
"And how," says Bush.
"And not one in New Jersey?"
"Nope. Pianosa, Illinois."
"Why sir?"
"It's our secret weapon to get the Republicans back in office, disguised as part of a new strategy in our War on Terror. Who's going to screw with us if we're so crazy we'll nuke ourselves?"
"Good point sir."
Cycling through his monitors, Bush finds his guy. "General!" he says excited. "That guy right there. Sector 754XA5."
"You mean the guy sleeping in his car at Cardinal Fitness?"
"No one will miss a loser like that." Bush squints at the screen. "Ugh ... from the looks of it, we'll be doin that poor bastard a favor."
"Still, what with nuclear fallout and all, I would suggest something a little more suitable to the scale of the threat."
"Like a giant robot crocodile?"
"No sir. Like a surgical strike. A platoon of tanks maybe."
"Oh god no. Have you seen the price of gas lately? I like the 'Giant Robot Crocodile' idea better."
"Yes, well-"
"It'll come up out of Lake Michigan, and seek out Terror with X-Ray vision, and smash it with the Tail of Liberty. Bam! Bam!"
"Well, while I understand your enthusiasm--"
"BOOM!"
"--I would still go with the tanks."
"General, this is the dawn of the Twentieth Centurion. Unless they hover, tanks are boring."
"We don't have a giant robot crocodile sir. The Liberals scuttled the budget in 2005."
Bush sighed audibly into the phone. "Just how many damn schools do I have to build before I get a giant robot crocodile that fights Terror?"
There's a long pause. "I don't know sir," the General finally answered.
"Why can't we nuke it again?"
"Because it's American soil sir."
"Is it New Jersey?"
"No sir. It's Pianosa, Illinois. Look," says Petraeus, exasperated. "We could put streamers and sparklers on the tanks. Then it would look cool as we bomb that prick into the Mesozoic."
"Like a parade!"
"Yes sir. A really loud and pissed-off parade."
"All right General," says Bush. "Make it so."
***
The 99th Battalion left Decatur Illinois at precisely 3:17am, and stopped to refuel in Bloomington, Schaumburg, Danville and Arlington Heights before anyone realized that they had no idea where Pianosa was.
This single blunder took up 18% of the entire annual military budget.
Due to this -and the Vast Liberal Conspiracy- the Terror-Fighting Robot Crocodile Project would never get off the ground.
[LOBO]
The Empire Strikes Out
"You want me to bomb a city in the continental US?" asks Petraeus incredulously.
"And how," says Bush.
"And not one in New Jersey?"
"Nope. Pianosa, Illinois."
"Why sir?"
"It's our secret weapon to get the Republicans back in office, disguised as part of a new strategy in our War on Terror. Who's going to screw with us if we're so crazy we'll nuke ourselves?"
"Good point sir."
Cycling through his monitors, Bush finds his guy. "General!" he says excited. "That guy right there. Sector 754XA5."
"You mean the guy sleeping in his car at Cardinal Fitness?"
"No one will miss a loser like that." Bush squints at the screen. "Ugh ... from the looks of it, we'll be doin that poor bastard a favor."
"Still, what with nuclear fallout and all, I would suggest something a little more suitable to the scale of the threat."
"Like a giant robot crocodile?"
"No sir. Like a surgical strike. A platoon of tanks maybe."
"Oh god no. Have you seen the price of gas lately? I like the 'Giant Robot Crocodile' idea better."
"Yes, well-"
"It'll come up out of Lake Michigan, and seek out Terror with X-Ray vision, and smash it with the Tail of Liberty. Bam! Bam!"
"Well, while I understand your enthusiasm--""BOOM!"
"--I would still go with the tanks."
"General, this is the dawn of the Twentieth Centurion. Unless they hover, tanks are boring."
"We don't have a giant robot crocodile sir. The Liberals scuttled the budget in 2005."
Bush sighed audibly into the phone. "Just how many damn schools do I have to build before I get a giant robot crocodile that fights Terror?"
There's a long pause. "I don't know sir," the General finally answered.
"Why can't we nuke it again?"
"Because it's American soil sir."
"Is it New Jersey?"
"No sir. It's Pianosa, Illinois. Look," says Petraeus, exasperated. "We could put streamers and sparklers on the tanks. Then it would look cool as we bomb that prick into the Mesozoic."
"Like a parade!"
"Yes sir. A really loud and pissed-off parade."
"All right General," says Bush. "Make it so."
The 99th Battalion left Decatur Illinois at precisely 3:17am, and stopped to refuel in Bloomington, Schaumburg, Danville and Arlington Heights before anyone realized that they had no idea where Pianosa was.
This single blunder took up 18% of the entire annual military budget.
Due to this -and the Vast Liberal Conspiracy- the Terror-Fighting Robot Crocodile Project would never get off the ground.
Comments
~JD
... I've returned the favor!
:)
LoboLoco rawwwwwk'it on man!!
~julian