LOBO -Predator Press
I missed work today because I was ambushed by a well-armed horde of hot time-traveling space ninjas. Subsequently held in a concentration camp for forty-four years, I escaped with only the cunning use of hair gel and a twig.
The world should be warned of this impending well-armed horde of hot time-traveling space ninja invasion, but as a matter of National Security, I need to conserve my energy in case anything weird happens. Am requesting your discretion via satellite, currently riding on the back of an elephant through Deepest Darkest Africa in search of the US Embassy. But satellites are really heavy, and my elephant is getting tired and cranky. I have to keep this message short.
The President, Myself, and the rest of the Free World all thank you for your cooperation and understanding in this matter, and I will check email as soon as I find a new elephant.
BTW, what do you people have against elephants?
Showing posts with label LOBO: the motion picture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LOBO: the motion picture. Show all posts
Tuesday
Saturday
Thursday
Roller Coaster
Predator Press [LOBO]
I don't even wear glasses.
And why I would spend $300 on a pair is totally beyond me.
But dammit, If I'm gonna spend 300 bones on glasses, I am going to wear them.
Normally when you get your eyes dilated for a vision test, they will make you wait around for a little while until your vision returns. But the gnarly-toed hippopotamus woman who gave me the exam seemed strangely anxious to see me go.
There's only so long I can sit around and comment on her lack of shaving prowess anyway.
I'm a busy guy.
With the case and receipts in a little plastic bag, I step out of the LensCrafters and navigate through the crowded mall sort of leering at people. What good are $300 glasses if you can't leer at people?
See these glasses buddy?
$300.
I didn't even take the tags off.
But no one really seemed to care. Everyone was in this big line to get on the escalator. The announcement board to the left at first revealed only stick figures fornicating. But with a little squinting -and $300 glasses- I see it says:
One Night Only
GEORGE LUCAS
George Lucas? I'm thinking. I love that guy!
I shoulda bought a pair of these years ago.
Numerous thrown elbows saves me a lot of time, and soon I'm in the restaurant. It's a classy place: the aroma of French food and soft plinketty-plink music fills the air. The roof is angled panes of immaculately clear glass, and offers a view of the full moon and thousands of stars.
Were I able to see it, it would have been breathtaking.
And all around are other celebrities. In fact -as I was by myself- I couldn't have my own table: the waiter made me sit with Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo. Even the guy bussing the tables was famous. I couldn't think of his name, but he had been in countless martial arts movies. You know, the guy with the Fu Manchu mustache?
I wasn't very hungry, but the waiter wouldn't let me stay if I didn't order. So I ordered baked Alaska, country fried steak, four pork chops, lobster tails, chicken fingers, waffles with extra powdered sugar and a diet Coke. And when the food came, I eyed Beverly warily as I set my $300 glasses precariously on the far edge of the table.
I had barely started my second pork chop before I realized that George Lucas was sitting right next to us.
"George!" I exclaim, running over. "I loved 'The Empire Strikes Back'!"
"¿Qué?" he smiles politely.
"Oh, it was great," I says. "That movie had everything. Giant metal dogs 'an spaceships." I point my fingers like guns at him, "Pew! Pew-Pew! How did you get away with filming a brother 'an sister making out without the Catholics comin down on you?""Perdón; Con permiso -"
"I never knew you were Hispanic."
Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see Fu Manchu bussing my table. "Hey!" I says. "I'm not done!"
Fu glares. "Sir, there are other customers waiting. We need this seat."
"I'm not done!" I repeat.
Fu bows slightly, and I return my attention to George. "You know, you should lay off with the whole 'Star Wars' thing for a while. The new stuff is crap. You're totally wrecking it for the rest of us."
"Señor-"
"Yes. In fact, I've got just the project for you." Flipping a script out of my jacket pocket, I flop it right on his Crepes Suzette. And making inverted twin "L"s with my fingers, I stare upwardly through them. "It's called 'LOBO: The Motion Picture'. Hey, why are you sitting by yourself? Can I join you?"
"¿Comprende usted?," he says.
I hear the sound of glass and silverwear, and realize Fu is scooping my food into a grey plastic tub!
I return to my table, furious. "Goddamnit Beverly! Why didn't you say something?"
"Hey buddy," demands Chevy. "I think it's time for you to go." Standing abruptly, he bumps the table and my $300 glasses fall to the floor.
Without missing a beat, Fu's heel lands squarely on them with a sickening crunch.
"You BASTARD!" I wail. "Those were $300!"
"Please come again," says Fu, disinterestedly heading for the bar.
"I want to talk to the manager!" I command. Glancing at the next table, I see Jim Carrey.
"Jim!" I says. "Did you see that?"
"What?" says Jim, confused.
"That dude just trashed my glasses!" I scoop the pieces off of the floor. "These damn things were $300!"
"I'm sorry," says Jim, squirming slightly.
"Do you know who runs this place?"
Jim points cautiously at a blond guy at the bar.
"Thanks," I says, grabbing my plastic bag. "By the way, you were freakin' awesome in The Shawshank Redemption."
Jim just kind of gives me a weird smile.
Man, what the hell is wrong with these people?
I go over to the bar, and the blonde guy is Nick Nolte.I love Nick Nolte!
"Nick!" I says excited. "'48 Hours' was the best movie I've ever seen!"
Nick shakes my hand nervously. "Well, I liked 48 Hours too. But I'm-"
"Man, your hands are soft," I observe. "What was it like working with Eddie Murphy?" But there's something else odd about Nick. Examining his sunburned forehead, I see the top half is a pasty fish white. "Is that a toupee?"
"No. I fell asleep in the beach with a cap on."
"Oh c'mon. What are you now, like, 60? Nobody's got long blonde hair when they're 60."
"Can I help you?"
Fu, washing glasses in the sink, nods at me indifferently. "This man say I broke his glasses."
"You totally did break my glasses, you jerk!"
Nick just kind of blinks at me.
Reaching into my Lenscrafters bag, I pull out the receipt. "I just got them today. They were $300!"
Nick blinks again.
"One or both of you should pay for them," I implore. "Plus maybe something extra for psychological trauma ... like maybe I eat here for free for life or something."
Nick stares at me for a long moment. "Well," he says finally. "If you didn't have your glasses on, how do you know he broke them?"
"Damn you and your infallible logic!" I scream. Then, seizing Nick's toupee, I dive through the crowd for the fire escape.
I sat up, sweaty and out of breath.
"What's the matter baby?" says Terri sleepily.
"I just had the craziest nightmare!"
"That's strange," she says, hugging me. "So did I. I dreamed we were riding on a roller coaster, and a tornado was tearing up the place."
"Wow," I concede. "That is weird."
Tuesday
Shaking the Cage: Part II
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Okay. I’ve spent half of the morning trying to figure out what triggered the recent infiltration of Nicolas Cage on Predator Press, and I think I’ve traced it back to seeing a commercial for Bangkok Dangerous.
It turns out Nicolas Cage is in it.
So then I spent the other half of the morning compiling a list of movies Nicolas Cage is not in: I got Steel Magnolias (1989), Stroker Ace (1983), The Blue Lagoon (1980) and The Ten Commandments (1956).
But I can’t vouch for the veracity of this list. There’s a scene in Steel Magnolias where Clariee Belcher –played supposedly by Olympia Dukakis- is swaggerin around in cowboy boots and a receding hairline so I’m not 100% convinced.
So what is the reason for his glaring absence in these movies? I don’t know. I suspect before 1985 either a) he was too young, or 2) Hollywood was still seething with people that couldn’t act twice as good as Nicolas Cage.
Well that's all changed now.And following this logic to it’s linear extreme, I’m forced to face the fact that there is an extremely high likelihood that when LOBO: the Motion Picture gets made, Nicolas Cage will be in it. In fact, now that I’ve gone on an unprecedented two-post rant about him he will have to be.
This means I have to scrub all the current posters and trailers which feature the tagline “Nicolas Cage is not in this movie” prominently.
–and/or numerous times.
Thursday
Predator Press Interviews: Ethan
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"Hey Ethan, do you want to be interviewed on Predator Press?"
"Are you still jealous that Don Lewis got interviewed on Angry Seafood?"
"I am definitely not jealous," I point out. "I'm merely suffering from the perception that attention or appreciation I deserve has been diverted to someone else."
"Like Don Lewis."
"Why would I care if Don Lewis got interviewed? Don Lewis is a great blogger."
"Then why is your eye twitching?"
"It's not twitching. It's exercising. Look, we do lots of interviews. It's a perfectly viable medium for getting to know interesting people and celebrities. And I'll bet all Predator Press readers want to know more about the 'real' Ethan. Do want to be interviewed or not?"
"Well okay. Fire away."
"Cool," I says, sitting across from him with my clipboard. "The first question is 'How long have you known LOBO?'"
"Wait a minute," he says. "Are all these questions about you?"
"Of course not."
He snatches the clipboard from my grasp.
"Don't read those!" I protest. "It will ruin the spontaneity and candid nature of the entire piece!"
"Uh huh," he says reading down the list. "'Is LOBO really as handsome as is reputed?'"
"The people have a right to know."
"'Describe how I landed the brilliant employee in the world.'"
"I love that story."
"'How do you keep yourselves 'down-to-Earth' when constantly surrounded by his outrageous successes?'"
"Okay, I admit that on some of these I'm curious myself."
"'What would you consider to be LOBO's most outrageously successful quality? His' -oh my god- 'well-muscled physique or his radiant brainiosity?'"
"We have to hurry up," I insist. "I need to post this and quickly suit up for the Lakers game. And they have to configure all the CGI equipment so Kobe Bryant's head is superimposed over mine."
"What's the picture of the firemen for?"
"That's for casting LOBO: The Motion Picture; it's kind of a cinematic 'visual aid' of me being portrayed by two gifted actors, swimming in gritty heroism. Now can we please get this over with? If I'm late, we'll lose the game. And they won't let me back in the NFL because I throw the football too hard."
"Using your 'radiant braniosity', guess what I'm going to do with this clipboard."
"Should I go ahead and call the ambulance now?"
[LOBO]
"Hey Ethan, do you want to be interviewed on Predator Press?""Are you still jealous that Don Lewis got interviewed on Angry Seafood?"
"I am definitely not jealous," I point out. "I'm merely suffering from the perception that attention or appreciation I deserve has been diverted to someone else."
"Like Don Lewis."
"Why would I care if Don Lewis got interviewed? Don Lewis is a great blogger."
"Then why is your eye twitching?"
"It's not twitching. It's exercising. Look, we do lots of interviews. It's a perfectly viable medium for getting to know interesting people and celebrities. And I'll bet all Predator Press readers want to know more about the 'real' Ethan. Do want to be interviewed or not?"
"Well okay. Fire away."
"Cool," I says, sitting across from him with my clipboard. "The first question is 'How long have you known LOBO?'"
"Wait a minute," he says. "Are all these questions about you?"
"Of course not."
He snatches the clipboard from my grasp.
"Don't read those!" I protest. "It will ruin the spontaneity and candid nature of the entire piece!"
"Uh huh," he says reading down the list. "'Is LOBO really as handsome as is reputed?'"
"The people have a right to know."
"'Describe how I landed the brilliant employee in the world.'"
"I love that story."
"'How do you keep yourselves 'down-to-Earth' when constantly surrounded by his outrageous successes?'"
"Okay, I admit that on some of these I'm curious myself."
"'What would you consider to be LOBO's most outrageously successful quality? His' -oh my god- 'well-muscled physique or his radiant brainiosity?'"
"We have to hurry up," I insist. "I need to post this and quickly suit up for the Lakers game. And they have to configure all the CGI equipment so Kobe Bryant's head is superimposed over mine."
"What's the picture of the firemen for?"
"That's for casting LOBO: The Motion Picture; it's kind of a cinematic 'visual aid' of me being portrayed by two gifted actors, swimming in gritty heroism. Now can we please get this over with? If I'm late, we'll lose the game. And they won't let me back in the NFL because I throw the football too hard.""Using your 'radiant braniosity', guess what I'm going to do with this clipboard."
"Should I go ahead and call the ambulance now?"
Friday
Hollywood
Predator Press
[LOBO]
"Cut, cut, cut!" I yell into the megaphone.
-LOBO: The Motion Picture has thus far been nothing but headache after headache.
"C'mon Jackie," I says, rubbing my temples. "The line is, 'You pullb my tond through my keythter!'"
"But why would I talk like that?" asks Jackie Chan.
I should've gone with Stallone.
Once again, I calmly explain. "You would have to talk like that if Lindsay Lohan pulled your tongue through your keyster!"
"Lindsay Lohan is in this movie?"
"Yes. Sort of. But due to various licensing liberties and an explicit lack of consent, we're to referring to her as 'Bindsay Bohan.'"
"Really," replies Jackie.
"Yeah. And she's being played by Chris Tucker."
"Well, what's my motivation?" smiles Jackie politely.
"Your 'motivation' is that Lind -I mean Bindsay- has sent her time traveling ninja bodyguards out to assassinate you, and you're disguised as a giant cicada. Jesus, do I have to explain everything? I mean you read the script presumably."
Frustrated, I walk back to my chair. Sitting heavily, I raise the megaphone to my lips.
This is what I get for flying out to Hollywood to make a documentary.
"Alright. Take two." I command. "Cue the robot dinosaur. Aaaaaaaand action!"
Jackie bounds up the six-story mechanical reptile, skewering stunt ninjas left and right. When he reaches the upper-left shoulder, he does a summersault flip and balances gracefully on the radiator of a car it was crushing in it's giant claws.
Howling in fury, the robot dinosaur unleashes it's full arsenal of laserbeams and missile batteries, and Jackie dances and twists impossibly to avoid them.
For a full thirty seconds, the sky is a thunderous inferno alive with fire, explosions and shrapnel. But soon the robot's howitzers cease their deadly hail of steel, and one by one the metallic clicketty clicketty clicketty of empty chambers replace the deafening storm.
-Jackie Chan had kicked all it's claws off.
The smoke slowly clears, revealing Jackie perched on the beast's nose.
It's eyes lock on him, and the pupils expand.
With a serene look, Jackie pounces into the air and severs the beast's head off with a single stroke of his lightsaber.
But even as the screaming monster's head slides off in a horrible shriek of grinding steel, Chris Tucker appears behind him on a hovercycle:
Bindsay Bohan: "You have fallen right into my trap LOBO!"
Jackie Chan: "Don't sing it Bohan. Bring it."
[blinding flash]
Jackie Chan: "You purred my tongs through my keystone!"
"Cut!" I scream, hurling my megaphone. "God dammit Jackie. If I was okay with plain English bein butchered, I woulda got Schwarzenegger!"
[LOBO]
"Cut, cut, cut!" I yell into the megaphone.-LOBO: The Motion Picture has thus far been nothing but headache after headache.
"C'mon Jackie," I says, rubbing my temples. "The line is, 'You pullb my tond through my keythter!'"
"But why would I talk like that?" asks Jackie Chan.
I should've gone with Stallone.
Once again, I calmly explain. "You would have to talk like that if Lindsay Lohan pulled your tongue through your keyster!"
"Lindsay Lohan is in this movie?"
"Yes. Sort of. But due to various licensing liberties and an explicit lack of consent, we're to referring to her as 'Bindsay Bohan.'"
"Really," replies Jackie.
"Yeah. And she's being played by Chris Tucker.""Well, what's my motivation?" smiles Jackie politely.
"Your 'motivation' is that Lind -I mean Bindsay- has sent her time traveling ninja bodyguards out to assassinate you, and you're disguised as a giant cicada. Jesus, do I have to explain everything? I mean you read the script presumably."
Frustrated, I walk back to my chair. Sitting heavily, I raise the megaphone to my lips.
This is what I get for flying out to Hollywood to make a documentary.
"Alright. Take two." I command. "Cue the robot dinosaur. Aaaaaaaand action!"
Jackie bounds up the six-story mechanical reptile, skewering stunt ninjas left and right. When he reaches the upper-left shoulder, he does a summersault flip and balances gracefully on the radiator of a car it was crushing in it's giant claws.Howling in fury, the robot dinosaur unleashes it's full arsenal of laserbeams and missile batteries, and Jackie dances and twists impossibly to avoid them.
For a full thirty seconds, the sky is a thunderous inferno alive with fire, explosions and shrapnel. But soon the robot's howitzers cease their deadly hail of steel, and one by one the metallic clicketty clicketty clicketty of empty chambers replace the deafening storm.
-Jackie Chan had kicked all it's claws off.
The smoke slowly clears, revealing Jackie perched on the beast's nose.It's eyes lock on him, and the pupils expand.
With a serene look, Jackie pounces into the air and severs the beast's head off with a single stroke of his lightsaber.
But even as the screaming monster's head slides off in a horrible shriek of grinding steel, Chris Tucker appears behind him on a hovercycle:
Bindsay Bohan: "You have fallen right into my trap LOBO!"
Jackie Chan: "Don't sing it Bohan. Bring it."
[blinding flash]
Jackie Chan: "You purred my tongs through my keystone!"
"Cut!" I scream, hurling my megaphone. "God dammit Jackie. If I was okay with plain English bein butchered, I woulda got Schwarzenegger!"
Thursday
Wesley, Cripes!
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Once again, the United States Government has jealously dealt a sneaky beneath-the-belt blow to the mighty Predator Press Empire -this time having sentenced Wesley Snipes to 3 years in prison.
The premier of LOBO: The Motion Picture has been once again postponed indefinitely.
This is no small setback. It’s not as simple as just getting another actor; after seeing Blade, I was instantly convinced that only Wesley had the vast acting range, martial arts repertoire and rigorous superhuman physical endurance necessary to play yours truly.
So it’s back to the drawing board.
Despite the rejection letters in the mail, I would like the following gentlemen to return to the set for another screen test:
Sunday
4:21
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Yes, the article in People magazine is true. "LOBO: The Motion Picture" has been derailed once again in contract negotiations.
These racists have an issue with Wesley Snipes playing "LOBO".
Okay, sure he's not white ... but if you've seen any of the Blade movies, he's obviously already got all my ninja moves down pretty good.
And so what? Are you tryin ta say Wesley Snipes can't act!?
[LOBO]
Yes, the article in People magazine is true. "LOBO: The Motion Picture" has been derailed once again in contract negotiations.
These racists have an issue with Wesley Snipes playing "LOBO".
Okay, sure he's not white ... but if you've seen any of the Blade movies, he's obviously already got all my ninja moves down pretty good.
And so what? Are you tryin ta say Wesley Snipes can't act!?
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