Divided You Fall

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Want a decent example of how fucked contemporary America is? Rush Limbaugh and I are in total agreement.

The single surviving facet not struck down by the Supreme Court in Arizona's attempt to get a handle on their "Immigration" issue was the one where, if lawfully stopped, the police were authorized to verify the citizenship status of the individual.

Let me start by saying I do not think the need to present an ID is a racist issue. Even I, the Mighty LOBO -Senior LOBOnian Diplomat and Liason to the United States- have to present identification several times a week.

So all ten people legally in Arizona said, "Hey, we have to pay for these untaxed people through social services funded by our legal residents. Federal law prohibits this type undocumented 'occupation,' but you Feds are not enforcing your own laws. And this is really screwing the four people in Arizona who are paying taxes."

The Supreme Court rejected virtually every element of Arizona's proposed laws -based ironically on the fact that "immigration" is an exclusively Federal issue- but retained Arizona's right to identify "illegals" to the Feds.

So cool, right? At least the Feds are still on board?

Within HOURS of this teeny "victory," Federal officials told Arizona "Yeah. You can find out if they are illegal or not. But don't call us about it." I swear to God that's exactly what happened: the 'United' States told Arizona "You're still on your own."

So Arizona is handcuffed to whatever al qaeda fuck that wanders in without recourse because the Feds decided to be defunct and useless by selective enforcement of their own law? That's at least dereliction of duty if not outright treason, and Arizona is obliged to manage an unenforceable, porous, dangerous and expensive border as a consequence.

-Whoops ... can we really even call it a "border" at this point with a straight face?

I cite the United States in contempt of it's own hallowed "Constitution," and if I were Arizona, I would secede from this so-called "Union" entirely. LOBOnia backs Arizona 100%. Moreover, LOBOnia has plenty of room for Arizona, and invites Arizona to become an official LOBOnian territory -replete with a LOBOnian government and LOBOnian taxation.

C'mon Arizona. Think about it at least.

-LOBOnia has better weather too.

New Mars Rover Convertible, Has Cup Holders

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"AM radio?  Dammit Houston, the antennae is fucked up again."

Middle-aged men buy exotic sports cars in an effort to be more alluring to women.

It occurs that NASA, trying to find life on Mars, should adopt this same logic: perhaps they should build a rover that would be more alluring to aliens.

-You know.  Fill it up with rednecks not wearing pants and carrying crappy cameras.

What if our Alien Visitors are Delicious?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Oh, come on ... you're all thinking it. I'm the only one that has the cajones to come right out and say it.

And I can already hear you bleeding heart liberals complaining, 'But LOBO, aliens capable of interstellar travel would be super-intelligent!' blah blah.

Oh please ... ridden a bus lately? What if these are celestial losers tryin to get a picture of themselves next to the intergalactic equivalent of the 'World's Biggest Ball of Yarn?"

Pthbttt!

The capability of travel doesn't impress me. In fact non-intelligent beings travel every day (see photo, right).

And frankly, these rude and unannounced tourists being 'intelligent' only makes the idea more attractive: what could be better than a meal that preheats the oven, sets the timer, lathers itself in a fine mornay sauce and is fully cooked to a succulent golden-brown before you even get home?

As far as I'm concerned, the only question is whether to serve them with a white wine or a red.

Predator Press Economic Proposal Rejected: Old, Poor Allowed to Remain in US (For Now)

Predator Press

Despite a bleak economic forecast, the United States Senate and Congress roundly rejected a proposal set forth by the world’s greatest website, Predator Press.

“We thought the United States was serious about rectifying its financial woes,” said a Predator Press staff member on condition of anonymity. “Welfare and Social Security are a major factor in America’s out-of-control deficit spending. Old and poor people are the primary recipients of Welfare and Social Security. The solution seems pretty obvious.”

The plan -to efficiently use trucks bringing illegal aliens into Arizona to deport old and poor people to Mexico on the way back- was defeated by a narrow margin.

When asked for reasons for the bill failing, our source cited wanton bipartisanship and an unwillingness to discuss the issue like mature, rational adults. “We asked really nicely -in fact we removed the language about stupid and ugly people entirely. Regardless of these huge compromises, those dumb fucks in Washington wouldn’t know good economic policy from a zit on their dorks.”

Mexican Blues

Predator Press

[LOBO]

It turns out a large part of this beloved nation’s crippling debt is due to Social Security.

Social Security, it turns out, is money we have to pay people once they get old. You know, like 30 or so.

So all we need to do is get rid of the old people.

There. We're all thinking it, and I finally said it: we need to get rid of old people, and the sooner the better.

You know how all those Mexicans are sneaking into Arizona? We should just funnel the old people out the same way, and at the same rate -you know, like a señor citizen exchange program. Those truck trailers goin back empty is a total waste of precious fuel anyway.

And what if we raised a few bucks via Pay-Per-View by capitalizing on old people’s apparently universal inability to drive?

-Just enter gramma in a demolition derby, and tell her it’s a Walmart parking lot.

Predator Press Announces Ten-Year Middle East Peace Plan

Predator Press

[LOBO]

-See I’m not thinking of it as a Holy war or a charitable contribution to either side.

To the contrary, I’m sick of reading about every last one of ‘em.

But if we get the Israelis out of there for a while, the other lunatics will start killing each other instead: in ten years and nobody'll be left, and then we send the bastards back one happy Hanukkah with explicit instructions:


Stay the fuck out of the news for a few centuries, capiche?-so's we can get back to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.

So picture: around 2:00 am one fateful morning we use a bunch of low-tech cropdusters and sedate the entire population of Gaza and the West Bank or whatever.

In fact we'll get that East Bank too.

-just to show those pricks we can.

Once out cold we round the whole Israeli population up, transport them via military cargo jets, and arrange them carefully over our exact replica of the Gaza Strip currently known as New Mexico.

This “New Gaza” is far too ambitious to be perfect: doubtlessly some Israelis will occasionally grow suspicious. Perhaps even homesick. But here's where the true genius of my plan comes in: we don’t give the Israelis any time to figure anything out.

Everything in “New Gaza” is rigged to detonate at some random point when no people are within a certain radius. Thus, just as they are starting to wonder where their enemies are, boom, an empty bus explodes. Sure you’re your map seems a little off … but just as you’re trying to locate the North Star, a cactus immediately to the left goes kablooey.

And every night as they curl up to sleep, the distant horizon will be a violent and spectacular pyrotechnic symphony.

For ten years, the Israelis'll sleep like babies.

We don't have to do this for free, either: over the years the disoriented Israelis are our "guests" we can put a great big magnet on a semi or a rail car and “steer” them geographically: by carefully changing the magnetic north on their compasses we could convince them their enemies are actually to the south, surreptitiously putting the Israelis on our Mexican border patrol -all without paying them a dime.

Oh come on ... what's one more measley desert to wander? Moses had 'em goin four times that long, and this one has gas stations!

Just think if Moses had scratch-off lottery tickets and microwave burritos: that whole "New Testament" thing might've been real different.

-I'm just sayin'.

Americana

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Living in America, a funny blog just kinda writes itself.

This is the only country in the world that would send troops to die in a field for your Freedom of Speech, and fine you were anyone to see a woman's breast in the process.

We buy great big fantastic off-road post-apocalyptic vehicles during a gas crisis, just wide enough to stop all the lanes of traffic while creeping over a tiny pothole.

And shamefully guilty of having brutally dragged people over here to do all the work hundreds of years ago, we simultaneously draw up legislation to stop millions of other people stubbornly trying to bust in and 'take away our jobs' --all the while 'outsourcing' work to other countries.

All I need now are a bunch of people in Alabama tellin' Arabs and Jews what Christ was like, and I'm all set.

But that could never happen.