Dear Mom

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Having officially decided to move West, I think maybe I overshot.

We ended up in China just in time for the “Jump to Your Feet, Get on your Vespa and Drive to a Dennys and Order Something Not Weird From the Bitchy Waitress” Event.


After much ado we were soon chowing down on Sh** on a Shingle loaded with fried pig parts, a side of chicken embryos and a brown-colored juice made from beans.

The much-lauded decathlon was cool to watch, but seeing all the losers shot in the head was a bit distressing. Still, a bike and a gun are always handy in these circumstances; I was happy to have them.

Anyways, I did well in the Olympic Kites Event as you always predicted, and will be bringing home some gold we can melt down for rent.

Love Always,

LOBO

A Strange Sense of Porpoise

Predator Press

[LOBO]

WOW!

Predator Press has never been slammed with like 57 awards simultaneously before, and we would like to thank Debbie Dolphin and Joyce Hopewell.

We were slammed with one award simultaneously before, but the Marines running Toys for Tots are keeping lead strictly limited to their bullets this year: a reciprocal plug for China seems in poor taste.

That's so damn many awards, I got exhausted just moving my Dale Earnhardt commemorative plates off of the fireplace to make room for them!

Will you guys help me carry all of them to the car? And up to my apartment? On my new piano?

I always buy a piano when I win awards.

... Pleeeeease?

China Answers Demand for Lead-Free Toys

Predator Press

[LOBO]

You have to love an entire country that makes Predator Press "Quality Control" look methodical and comprehensive.

-And now there's a potential spokesperson deal for R. Kelly!

In Space, No One Can Hear You Bitch

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Once it was discovered that I wouldn't stop throwing my wrenches on China, I was permanently removed from the Space Program.

Predator Press Challenges China for Toy Market

Predator Press

* 1$ ALL YOU CAN FIT ON A SHOVEL!!! $1 *

*Must be regulation shovel provided by Predator Press.
*These toys have only been tested on hobos, hookers,
transients, addicts, a handful of unfortunate animals, and
regulation shovels provided by Predator Press.

China Offers Michael Vick Pet Food Endorsements

Predator Press

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"In promotion of our high moral standards and the wholesome nutritional value of our perfectly safe products," says corporate spokesman Chin Yan, "we feel that Michael Vick is ideal. And you won't hear any of our dogs complaining about it, either."

Chinese Toy Manufacturer Found Dead

Predator Press

Zhang Shuhong, co-owner and toy magnate of Lee Der Industrial Company, was found dead in a warehouse today.

Shuhong, a pioneer of bargain-basement toy manufacturing, has left an indellible mark on generations of children worldwide with favorites such as Big Birds Flu Clinic, High-Voltage Bath Elmo, and the ever-popular Barbie Ford Pinto.

While the official cause of death is pending the autopsy, Chinese authorities have flatly refuted claims that it had anything to do with the Molotov Pinata, which is scheduled for release this Christmas.

Love Canal

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I just spent about ten minutes on my walkman listening to Jerry Agar pontificating about the woes of Minnesota outlawing the purchase of American flags made in China.

I'm not proud; I was mowing the lawn in 95-degree heat. Dragging around the widescreen television was simply out of the question.

Jerry's entire case was "What right does America have to decide for me whether or not I want an American flag made in China? Or any products made in any other country?"

Normally I would agree with this prick: how, where, and why people want to display the nifty new whatsis they bought really isn't of my interest or concern.

But China --with at least a few Human Rights political allegations unanswered—is responsible for a disproportionate number of dangerous products introduced to the unsuspecting American consumer this year. IAMS pet food killed many of our pets (Phil, as you recall, had resulting kidney issues arrested at no small expense to me) and 'Thomas and Friends' lead-lined toy trains were readily available to decay the minds and futures of our children.

This isn't "any other country" asshole; through sheer greed and negligence, China has waged a more subtle war, targeting things nearest and dearest to our hearts. And why didn't Jerry Agar’s Pro-Capitalistic Laissez-Faire Feng Shui philosophy catch this murder befor it could might have happened?

Because we had no cause to be suspect?

Congratulations, Jerry Agar.

You just made it on a very short list.

If lead poisoning children wasn’t enough for you to get concerned about the source of a product, I’m kinda glad you’re not in fucking charge.