After Single-Handedly Defeating the GOP, What Should I Do Next?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"But LOBO," I can hear some of you saying. "That was clearly the hardest-fought four day span of your entire career. You must be exhausted!"


It's true. I'm pooped. Those Republicans were pretty tenacious.

-But Predator Press doesn't offer idle time off: I can't leave you millions and millions of readers devoid of my mighty righteousness!

I dunno. I’m thinking about tackling cancer next.

-Or maybe tofu.

Blech.

Conflict Revolution

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“The whole Republican Party?” I ask the guy.

”Yes,” says the disembodied voice on the speakerphone. ”Every last one of us signed it.”

“An apology?”

”For offending your sensibilities.”

“What about just plain bein’ assholes?”

”That too.”

“I don’t know,” I says. “I mean you got me pretty upset, and I don’t think accepting surrender from your entire political party is enough. I think I deserve some cash compensation as well.”

”Eh,” says the guy. ”Wouldn’t that constitute a bribe?”

“A bribe,” I explain, “would presuppose forgiving you guys as a condition of receiving money. I’ve already decided to forgive you guys as long as you use your powers for good instead of evil from here on out."

"So this is ...?"

"Cash as an incentive to make that fact public. This is more like blackmail.”

”I ... see.”

“And I want a statue,” I continue. “Nine feet tall. One of me wrestling a cheetah or something.”

”A cheetah.”

"Yeah. And make me in a loincloth so my Craig Blair isn't floppin' all over the place."

"Uh-"

“In Tiananmen Square.”

Penis is Such an Ugly Word

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I really try to keep bad language on Predator Press to a minimum.

-But sometimes it’s hard to get around, you know?

So from here on out, instead of the word penis (or any other variant on the male genitalia), I’ll refer to that part of human anatomy as a "Craig Blair." Okay?

True, Craig Blair might find this euphemism offensive.

But I’m not afraid.

-Word on the street is that he’s too much a "Gwyneth Paltrow" to do anything about it.

Exclusive: Craig Blair Franchise Serves Deep-Fried Babies

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Yep. You read it here first in this Predator Press Exclusive: Craig Blair Franchise Serves Deep-Fried Babies!

Those babies are like 20 million calories apiece. And can you imagine the cholesterol?

-Plus Blair was observed forgetting to wash his hands in the bathroom before cooking, and not wearing a hair net.

I would give it 2 stars.

Tops.

Oh Craig Blair, You Poor GOP Asshat

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Oh Craig Blair, you poor GOP asshat, here I am -a college graduate- already facing washing dishes at Red Lobster to feed my family thanks to eight years of your Bush-addled criminal party "Policies."

-And after the mess you made, oh fearless lawmaker, you brazenly propose a genius plan to further inhibit Average Joe American survival with drug tests for people on unemployment.

-And not at a time when unemployent is low, either: rather than fiddling with it when there are jobs to be had, he picks now -when for some it means life or death.

We sent Michael Vick to jail for what again?

Craig, you're a flat-out evil scumbag. Seriously. You Republican swine screwed us via negligence, and now you -the supposed pro-gun human liberty 'an individual privacy party- are tryin to weasel out on protections people were universally taxed for all those years? Maybe people should be piss-tested before you can take any of their money! H&R Block would be fine with just buying some cups and rubber gloves, right?

And on that note, is there an invasive piss test for intelligence we can make you take? Or maybe one for integrity? For that matter, did you even pay any taxes over your thus far less-than-illustrious and flaccid career?

Welcome to Predator Press you ingrate hypocrite pig: using mere humor, I will tear this country asunder if necessary to rip your tiny little icy black heart from your chest, and shove it from your pasty bloated fat greedy ass all the way up to your Limbaugh-sperm infested gullet.

See you at the country club, you Dame Melba c*nt^[1].

-It’s on.


^[1]For those of you that don't know, during the Industrial Revolution -while ten people lived in a single room and underage children lost digits and limbs working round-the-clock in factories- Dame Melba was an aristocratic entertainer/celebrity that -along with her well-surfeited guests- made a game of hurling her peach pits at the hungry poor from her balcony.

There's your Republican "Party" at it's apex.

Get angry, or get naked.

-and pray for some lube.