Predator Press [LOBO]
Sure there’s a million sites out there that review movies.
But you know how sometimes you want to watch television and a decent movie has already been playing for a half an hour?
That’s our niche.
I’m proud to present Predator Press Movie-Middle Reviews, and the historic first Movie Middle to be reviewed will be The One staring action hero Jet Li.
Just getting in from grocery shopping, Terri and I started this movie 24 minutes in where we found Jet Li playing a character that liked to karate chop people a lot. So much so, at some point he karate chopped guys with motorcycles. Heck, at some point he even ended up karate chopping himself! Maybe he ran out of other people to karate chop, or maybe the cameramen and editors simply got confused in a karate chop filming frenzy -I don't know. But the money they saved on casting is clearly reflected in the heavily-researched accuracy you've come to expect in law enforcement documentaries.
Despite having a number in the title, this movie is completely devoid of boring mathematics altogether: it's karate choppin a go-go. The One is an intense, riveting classic drama I couldn’t take my eyes off of until the microwave beeped that the popcorn was done; by the time I got back with the bowl Terri had changed the channel to Desperate Housewives (at which point I decided to wash the car).
Man I don’t think I’ve ever seen more karate chops in eighteen minutes: Predator Press Movie-Middle Reviews scores the middle of The One with a hefty eighty seven “Thumbs Up,” making it the highest rated Predator Press Movie-Middle Review so far, and a juggernaut of the short attention span.
Be sure to tune in for our next installment where we scathingly eviscerate the middle of “The Sixth Sense”: this movie has no violence or nudity at all, and instead it features a bunch of lazy zombies lolling around and bein' nice to everybody.Despite being buoyed by Haley Joel Osment’s cuteness, this is doubtlessly the worst movie-middle ever made. The Sixth Sense will stagger out a critical failure, ultimately garnering a mere sixty-one "Thumbs Up."
Tops.
11 comments:
I completely grant you your niche. There's nothing I hate more than JUST watching the middle of a movie.
Yeah, but in some cases (like this one), the made up stuff is better than the real deal. The film's premise is actually imaginative and interesting (albeit a martial arts rippoff of "The Highlander") ... but the execution was pretty sloppy. I hadda delete two whole paragraphs dedicated solely to bloopers; for maybe 30 minutes of viewing, that's awesome blog fodder ... :)
Oh, I love karate chop stuff and actually like the film, but I don't disagree with your assertion that the film didn't fulfill the potential the premise provided.
You should do middle food reviews, too. Everyone knows the middle of a pan of brownies is the best. And kids know what they're doing when they peel off the crust on bread. And who doesn't like the middle of a pie? Middles are the best!
I'd also like to know which songs have the best middles. And cookie middles...what do you think of those?
Books! Lemme know what you think of book middles as well. See? This can be a whole enterprise!
If you could do a middle review of No Country For Old Men, maybe I could get a better grasp of the damn thing.
Excuse me while I go comfort myself with Twinkie middles.
You should do a middle movie review on Hard Candy. It's the worst movie ever from the beginning, maybe it'll just look like a fetish video from the middle.
Mom (X3): Yes, it would appear I'm sitting on an entire cottage industry here.
Midleah: We're all overlooking the significant advatage I have watching virtually anything by anything by Quentin Tarantino.
Beau: I take a lot of flak for this, but in my opinion "Independence Day" is the biggest pile of crap I've ever seen. I get madder when there's a monster budget and they use a script hammered out by retarded monkeys.
-But I accept your challenge! I just searched for "Hard Candy" on the Comcast guide and didn't see it. Let me know if you see it airing soon ... :)
Very impressive. If you want to review another Jet Li movie that's lacking in the middle, try Kiss of the Dragon. Wait, in fact, it's lacking in its entirety.
Unfinished Rambler: My teenage son is now "on board" with finding me projects here too.
I don't think we've seen the last of this topic ... :)
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