Milestone 1/999,999,999% of Goal Achieved

Associated Press

Amidst rumors to the contrary, the Predator Press-sponsored “Feed LOBO” charity resulted in what Editor-in-Chief LOBO referred to as an “encouraging start”.

“Now that the seal has been broken,” LOBO explains, “some serious coin will start rollin in. And those fat sacks of cash are gonna get me some kickass bling.”

Acts included Pat Boone performing the Tool classic “Prison Sex” with the Pianosian Symphony Orchestra, Corey Haim’s two hour lecture on “The Cultural significance of Hair Gel and Why it is Soooo Cool”, and rap artist 50 Cent -via satellite- explaining how LOBO's assertion that "I'm With Stupid T-shirts are bling!" is technically not correct.

While spectacular overall, the telethon was marred early on when during the Riverdance segment Michael Flatley snapped his knee backward and kicked his own forehead.

“That was the coolest part!” said LOBO, who did not attend. “When I woke up, I just fast-forwarded through all the bullshit on TiVo. But I've watched that scene like a dozen times.”

Slowing down the footage, he demonstrates. “See? Wait for it … wait for it … clacketty clacketty clacketty-POW!!!"

"Ah god," he adds, wiping back a tear. "That just slays me."

Jerry Lewis, host of the event, concluded the evening with an emphatic, “LOBO is far and away the most handicapped person I've had ever met. Please help!”

This is widely believed to be what triggered the only donor of the day -It’s a Funny Thing author Don Lewis- into action.

“We were going to send the first donor a plaque," commented LOBO. "But then we realized the daily ‘take’ would actually be negative $498.99 ... and that it was Don Lewis. Instead, we sent a slightly-warped Tupperware lid crawling with the ebola virus."

"Plaque, plague -it’s all semantics,” insists LOBO. "And do you have any idea how difficult is is to scratch 'Thanks Don Lewis' in cursive with a key on space-age polymers?"