Predator Press Interviews: Bloggers of Note

Predator Press

[LOBO]

It grows increasingly difficult to write when my subconscious is beleaguered by strange disappearances around the 'Blogosphere' ... and as I arrived at my Angry Seafood Interview, it occurred to me that perhaps I was closer to solving the mystery than I initially thought.

Convinced I had stumbled upon what might be the key to unravel this puzzle, I employed the full might of my radiant braniosity:

Clue 1: Consider the name of the blog. "Angry" is the very first word, and followed closely by "Seafood", a food obtained from the sea -hence it's name.

Clue 2: People have disappeared at sea before. In fact, I'm almost certain of it. I read it in a book somewhere.

Could "Angry Seafood" be taunting us with the whereabouts of our wayward blog colleagues? And -infinitely more important- might I be walking right into a trap?

Clue 3: The vanishing of "The Frogster", who allegedly abandoned his brilliant and lucrative rockstar-type lifestyle of blogging in favor of playing piano. I never believed that for a second. Just try to imagine yourself laying on a pile of cash sandwiched between six or seven exhausted coeds and just deciding "You know, I think I want to give this all up to play the saxophone."

Oh no. That's just not rational.

Something was up, and I strongly suspected Angry Seafood was behind it.

I think the Frogster was trying to tell us something, and finding that piano might be crucial.

But throughout the course of the interview, I saw no piano.

... I brought my baseball bat for nothing.


***


The complete absence of any piano whatsoever did not surprise me; surely upon hearing of my visit, the entire Angry Seafood compound was cleared of any scrap of evidence.

I saw nothing suspicious at all: a clear indication that every last precaution had been taken, and that Angry Seafood was guilty as all hell.

Still, due to sheer size, the vast Angry Seafood lair had lapses in security. I found numerous opportunities to snoop unobserved.

While hoping to Find Boddie in one of the turrets, I found a leftover interview question by Don Lewis:

AS: Which politician would be the funniest drunk and why?

DL: Practically any of them. I mean, why would I want to watch those guys while I'm sober?

Oh...wait a minute... Did I misunderstand the question?

AS: And what should we do about stupid people?

DL: Continue sending them to Washington. At least that way they're not here trying to play footsy with me from the next stall. I'd prefer sending them abroad, but as we recently saw with Martha Stewart, the Brits are wising up.

The Angry Seafood Psychiatric Ward had only one occupant. He claimed to be the High Priest of the Cult of Qelqoth:

AS: Why can’t you drink the water in Mexico?

CQ: Unfortunately, I live in the United Kingdom and as such, I have limited access to Mexican water supplies. However, my friend Pedro often comes back from his holidays with Peyote cacti. To date, I've had no significant problems with either the water absorbed by this plant or the total mind fucks that occur as a result of eating it.

When I woke, my glow sticks were lifeless green shells -mere memories of what they once were; I could never find the Domestic Minx with them. But the The Offended Blogger graciously answered the next question on my list:

AS: Why can't you drink the water in Mexico?

OB: Because if I did, that would mean that I ran off with Jesus -my taco truck guy- down to Mexico again. And my husband already warned me that if that happened one more time he would cut off my allowance!!

The disappearance of the ditch digger in the Atrium produced a dialogue with Diesel:

AS: Someone makes the discovery that semen can be used as an alternative fuel source. Good or bad for the porn industry?

RK: I dunno, but it gives a whole new meaning to the term "gas guzzler."

AS: And what should we do about stupid people?

RK: Huh?

And while checking the Medical Center for signs of Dr. Toboggans, I found a rather enigmatic quotation from the Brent Diggs that gave me pause:

AS: If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

BD: In the not-too-distant future, Earth is taken over by alien invaders. These large lobster-like conquerors bring a golden era of peace to ourworld as they ban war, pollution, and the seafood industry. The defunct American court system is overhauled, with legal decisions no longer being settled by lawyers and judges but by ceremonial alien arm-wrestlers. The show: Claw and Order


I'm not sure what this all adds up to.

-but I'm going to find that damned piano someday.


(All unposted interview "Q & A" are published in "comments")


-:¦:-•:*'""* -:¦:- THANK -:¦:- YOU -:¦:- *'""*:•.-:¦:-

:)


Comments

LOBO said…
Special thanks to Chris, Brent, Don, Chelle, Rob, Don and Joe!

It was really hard to choose the questions to use. Some of the unpublished answers were outright side-splitting but I didn't want to get too repetitive.

I included them here:


Diesel

What would America be like if Ryan Seacrest was President?

A lot shorter. Also, we'd be continually outsmarted by the British.

Which politician would be the funniest drunk and why?

I think that Ted Kennedy would be funny drunk. I mean, if I were drunk.

If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

It would be called "Scared Shirtless," and it would focus on a special police unit (The Shirtless Perpetrators Unit, pronounced "Spew") that apprehends rednecks for walking around their neighborhoods without a shirt on.

Why is a tin hat ok but a head scarf not ok if you are an Obama fan?

Tin is the new black.

Why can't you drink the water in Mexico?

Don't ever tell me what I can't do.


Cult of Quelqoth

What would America be like if Ryan Seacrest was President?

Ryan seems like a very lovely young man. He's always smiling, he has very nice hair and he's always very smartly dressed. The penis wedged inside his anus may rile voters in the southern states but once that man's in charge, it'll be free buttsecks for all!

Which politician would be the funniest drunk and why?

Obama Bin Laden seems to be connected with many conspiracy groups and according to a few internet message boards, he has also appeared as his true form in episodes of 'The X Files' and 'Politicians Gone Wild'. The tin hats are required in order to protect us from his evil brain
waves.

If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

No political figurehead will ever match the work of Boris Yeltsin.

If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

My daytime court melodrama would be entitled "Legal Entrance", a serial show concentrating on the lives of two New York attorneys, Jack and Karl respectively. Each week, Jack and Karl will resort to attacking one another with family friendly banter, mainly for the right to explore bodily orifices on barely legal teenagers.

What should we do about stupid people?

Stupid people are a necessity to the global lulz economy. Without stupidity, we would not have de-motivational posters and the spread of Internet AIDS would grind to a complete halt. We need to admire those who fail at life for those are the people who make every day worth living.

Someone makes the discovery that semen can be used as an alternative fuel source. Good or bad for the porn industry?

If the porn industry were to be open minded on this topic, they would discover that mechaphilia could be used to save the fuel crisis. Think about it. Every adult production of a man whacking off into a car would end with a money shot in the fuel tank, thus ensuring that the motor and travel economy is kept alive. It's a total win-win situation.


As a footnote, the links to all those blogs that have "gone missing" this year wasn't an accident. If I can't encourage them to come back, I at least wanted to say "Thanks for the laughs! I miss you!"
Bee's Dark Side said…
I read your interview and you have got to be one of the funniest dudes in the interworldwidewebisphere!

If you ever disappear, I'm hiring all things mythical to drag your ass back to your blog.
Bee said…
Well crap! I left comment under the wrong personality!
Hahahaaa!! The term 'gas guzzler' will never be the same ever again. :P

And I concur with Bee's Dark side as well as her other side, if you ever leave, I will hunt you down and kill you.

That's what she said, right?? :)
Anonymous said…
I would like to go on record as saying Angry Seafood had nothing to do with any of those blogs disappearing.

But locked up in the room you did not find in the Compound is the last official unpublished post from Frogster where it is guarded by a trained Bavarian midget who's main attack move is head butting people in the groin.

Yah, it was the room that looked like it had a 'Kilroy was here' cartoon on the window. That was the midget looking at you.

Great interview. :)
robkroese said…
I was misquoted!

Not really, but I've always wanted to say that.
Simon Jester said…
I was quoted!

And I've always wanted to say that too.
Anonymous said…
Excellent interview -- now many words do they have for "pasties" in Rivendell?
LOBO said…
Bee’s Dark Side: [*blush*] Please drag the rest of me back to it too. (I can’t write with that part)

Bee: Two personalities? I knew it. If it helps, I’m tri-polar myself. Sure life’s complicated sometimes … but it sure helps with “writer’s block”. :)

OB: [*blush*] If I disappear, I request swift and lethal payback on Comcast.

Chris: Oh goody goody! Seriously, I do miss “The Frogster.” He did a story called 'The Secret Peep Underworld' that had me crying. Now I wish I had at least stolen it or something; it was one of my hallowed “Top 5 Bestest Posts EVER!!”

(Does anyone know where that piano is located? I do have a grenade … )

Diesel: If you simply must be misquoted, I’m okay with telling everyone that I won nine of your Caption Contests.

(But you’ll owe me one.)

Don: You can’t just call up car insurance companies like the rest of us? (Actually, that’s pretty funny. Suddenly I want to call Gieko and claim I’m OJ Simpson “in serious negotiations for a Sherman tank” just to see how the figures come out ...)

Mark: At least twice as many. Oh and PS READ YOUR DAMNED EMAIL!!! YOU WERE INVITED ON THIS POST!!!

[*sniff* … sometime I just wonder if you care.]

:)
Sarcasm Abounds said…
ahh Lobo I miss ye. . .

Someday I may return to add my own acidic voice to yours, but until I stop pouting, I will lurk. . .

SA
Anonymous said…
I wish to amend my statement regarding Yeltsin after discovering the following presidential campaign:

http://www.presidentsimpson.com/promotion.html

If this man runs for office, he'll make Boris Yeltsin look like Prince Andrew. Or even John Ashcroft.
Anonymous said…
I wasn't kidding about the Frogster post. He had the idea of interviewing me for Bloggers Speak but I haven't had an opening in the feature to post it. People keep asking for interviews which is great so it's all good.
Simon Jester said…
Oh God! We're supposed to care too??

We give and give, and you just demand more!

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