Livin Large

Predator Press

[LOBO]

So here I am at Qualcomm Stadium with the rest of the Californian evacuees, getting a massage and blogging after my yoga lessons.

Honestly, I don't know what those Katrina people were complaining about; this is the best vacation I've ever had.

For dinner, I had a 24oz brick of "Evacuee Cheese", and it was splendid.

The tan woman distributing the rescue food was obviously distressed.

"Wouldn't you like some lobster tail?" she asks, concerned. "Or some baked Alaska?"

"No thanks," I says, grabbing some eating utensils. "But I'll take a 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew if you've got one."

"Aren't you worried about your cholesterol?" she persists.

"Why?" I says, looking around nervously at the crowded scene. "Are these infidels trying to steal it?"

"Infidels?" she asks, handing me a 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew.

"Well, that's the only explanation isn't it? I mean God clearly hates you people." While taking a deep swig, I eye the inside of the cap. "Earthquakes, fire tornados, floods, tsunamis. Take the hint already, and stop hanging around here trying to steal cholesterol!"

"No," she clarifies, smiling politely. "I mean high cholesterol can lead to heart attacks."

"My heart is completely incapable of any attack whatsoever," I assure her. "I doubt it could even successfully lobby for trade tariffs. Now this here cap says I won a 'free 2-liter Mountian Dew'. Will you honor it?"

She nods. "But you should get some exercise and eat better."

"It gets cold out here at night. I kinda like that hot, burning sensation I get as the blood squirts though." A portable radio is blaring some fat sounds I like. "Who is that?"

"That's Given Up by Linkin Park," she says, handing me another 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew. "They've been one of the biggest bands in the United States for almost five years. You've never heard of them?"

"No," I says.

"Not very hip, are you?"

"Maybe I'm too hip to notice," I retort.

"Are you even a citizen?" she asks.

"What?"

"Hablo un poco español; ¿comprende usted?"

"How dare speak to me in 'Tongues', you common Babylonian whore?" I demand, making a Cross symbol with my plastic knife and spork.

"Security!" she cries. "Security!"

"So where's your fancy pagan 'français parlez' now?" I demand.

God, I don't understand why these things continue to happen to me ...