[LOBO]
See that picture on the left? That's the last "athlete" Major League Baseball traded to the LOBOnian Baseball Syndicate. WITNESS how he is drowning in the acid quicksand cleverly disguised as natural turf! Just imagine the horrific screams I was too lazy to record and turn into "mpegs" or whatever!While still looking for sponsors, players, a place to play and a network to air it, LBS league baseball games take maybe a half hour, tops ... even though they play until one team scores 100 runs. This is because if you hold a ball for 8/16th of a second, it detonates. Even if you're an umpire.
The LBS has an 8 millisecond 'Shot Clock'. This means that even if it's a 96 mph fastball, you gotta sprint toward it, swinging desperately before you are struck out like an inferior specimen and we have to weed out your loser genetic strain and pathetic, inferior DNA from the face of the Earth once and for all.
The LBS keeps a far stricter drug policy than its puny competitors too: in this league, steroid abuse is absolutely mandatory. Why not have the greatest athletes modern science can provide for the card? Enraged monsters with big, throbbing forehead veins wielding baseball bats have been highly-valued entertainment for the whole family for eons. Now you can see them up close!
And what's with this pansy 4 base crap? The LBS has 56 completely randomized bases, each requiring a vine swing over flaming pits of starving alligators swimming in hydrogen peroxide and gasoline, culminating into a dramatic, spectacular slide through broken glass and ignited napalm. And rather than squishing all our bases in the same place, we spread 'em out. I got news for you: unless 80,000 well-armed fans for the other team stand between you and your next 'base' ala Halo 3 , you're a puss, and that 'base' barely qualifies as a disease-riddled biohazard truckstop crawling with lot lizards and overpriced NAPA products. In the LBS, getting to a base is worth 9 points, and it is celebrated by fireworks, more free booze and meth, a live performance by Korn, and scantily-clad dancing girls ... just like when we were kids.
What the hell ever happened to the 'baseball' we all grew up playing?
5 comments:
I'm ready to join your league. I played Atari 2600 "Pitfall" relentlessly as a lad, so I laugh at your mere vines and gators.
As long as you don't have one of those giany albino scorpions. They scare me despite their blocky rendering. . .
SA
"The LBS has an 8 millisecond 'Shot Clock'. This means that even if it's a 96 mph fastball, you gotta sprint toward it, swinging desperately before you are struck out like an inferior specimen and we have to "Weed-B-Gone" your entire loser genetic strain from Humanity once and for all."
That is hilarious.
I'm in...where do I sign up?
Can I wear my Kevlar body armour?
You had me at 'Bikini Chicks'...
Count me in. But I'm lobbying for the 5 millisecond "shot clock!"
Post a Comment