Violence Solves Everything

Predator Press

[LOBO]

His parents reasoned with him, cajoled, and gently encouraged, but Little Timmy would not be denied this singular opportunity to make our airborne experience one we would never forget.

Little Timmy ran up and down the isle. Little Timmy launched food into people's hair and clothes.

Little Timmy was evil.

The in-flight movie -an Eddie Murphy vehicle- did nothing to drown out evil Little Timmy and his animated adventures dancing on the edge of everyone's nerves.

As I watched, Little Timmy single-handedly terrorized the entire flight for two solid hours.

I heard people quietly scheduling vasectomies on their cellphones.

Finally having had enough, I stepped up to the happy couple.

"Excuse me. I don't mean to be a bother, but I'm wondering how long until the beatings take place?"

They looked at each other bewildered. Eventually, the presumed father spoke. "Excuse me?"

"The beatings," I repeat. "I need to use the lavatory, and I don't want to miss them."

"Sir," said the offended woman. "We never touch our child in anger."

"Well, can one of the rest of us do it? The precocious little scamp has made quite an impression."

The woman pressed the button calling the flight steward. "Sir, if you continue bothering us, I'll-"

"Do what?" I inquired. "Have me kicked off?"

The father stood. "How we raise our child is none of your business."

This wasn't going as well as I had hoped. "If and until we arrive in Houston, I'm afraid it is."

"Little Timmy," interrupted the woman, "is going to learn to decide to behave himself."

"Not without a severe beating, ma'am," I point out.

"I'll not condone violence on the boy," says the father.

"Violence is such an ugly term," I says. "And I'm not condoning 'violence'. Just a severe beating. It's not the same thing."

The woman gaped. As the flight attendant arrived, she was almost stammering in anger. "Sir," she began. "This man-"

The flight attendant looked at me. "Are they beating him yet?"

"No," I says.

He glowers at the couple menacingly. "And why not?"

"Lady," I continue. "Severe beatings are good for a child. In fact, I daresay mandatory. This child should receive severe beatings on a regular basis."

"What about when he's behaving?" the woman asked incredulously.

"Especially when behaving!" I says. "That child's entire life should be one long series of severe beatings, punctuated by brief and random interludes of wondering where, when and why his next beating is coming."

The pilot squawked over the intercom. "Are they beating him yet?"

"Not yet sir," said the flight attendant into the air.

The father sneered at me, "And how many children do you have, 'Mister Expert'?"

"None!" I says flatly. "I don't have the required propensity for violence."