Jesus' Friends Were Jerks

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Look, I’m only sayin it because I’m right around His age when everything went south.

-Right about now, Jesus is planning for a World Tour to spread His Message. So He’s packing, going over travel plans, hiring His security detail, checking His itinerary against His reservations, and verifying that His passport is in order.

But then His buddy Bill comes in.

“Word up, JC,” says Bill. "I brought the water."

“Word,” says Jesus. "Look, I'm really busy. Just set them in the corner, and I'll change them into wine as soon as I can."

"Cool," replies Bill. “Whatcha doin?”

“I’m making ready to spread My Sacred and Holy Message, that I might save the world.”

There’s an awkward silence.

“I don’t know,” says Bill, scratching his chin.

“You don't know what?”

“Well, any religious nut can go on tour. I mean you might as well walk around wearing one of those sandwich board signs that says ’THE END IS NEAR’.”

“What do you suggest, Mister Smarty Pants?”

Bill thinks quietly for a moment. “I think you need to think big. What if you get betrayed, captured, beaten, whipped, skinned alive, crucified, and your remains are subsequently squished through the mesh of a screen door, thereby absolving Humankind of all their sins?”

“I rather like My idea better,” says Jesus. “Look at My tour schedule. I’ll be in Cancun right in the middle of Spring Break!”

“It's been done. Look J, this isn’t, like, B.C. anymore. In these modern times, people are a lot more sophisticated. They need something dramatic."

“We could do a bake sale.”

“Meh,” sighs Bill. “You know these wacky Romans … someone is bound to lace some brownies or something, and then there’s a huge chariot pileup. Then there's an investigation, and it finds who responsible? You. The insurance liability alone just makes me shudder. Don’t set yourself up for failure like that.”

“I don’t know, Bill. Maybe I could-”

“No,” Bill interrupts, grabbing Jesus firmly at his shoulder. “Look, you're the Messiah. And as the Messiah, one has certain obligations to go beyond sermons and bake sales.”

“So I’m supposed to let them kill Me!?”

“Hey, don’t get mad at me. I didn’t make you the ‘Son of God’. I’m only telling you all this because I’m your friend.”

“Yeah, I know," sighs Jesus resolutely. "Thanks.”

“No problem,” says Bill. "Now how about them buckets?"