The Final Exam

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I can’t find the story, so I have to paraphrase for now.

I heard a news blurb that doctors were suggesting the import of many routine cancer exams are exaggerated -and in fact might deceive people about their overall health, posing a risk.

Now this was heard at about five in the morning, and over my first bleary cup of coffee: if you have a routine cancer exam planned, don’t blow it off due to my potent journalistic ability and vast medical expertise ... please consult with your personal physician.

-This alone wouldn't have even been a blip on my radar, but the story continued on to say “probably the only exam we would exclude from this group would be the breast exam.”

Pow -my entire morning is preoccupied with imagining that AMA meeting. What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall for that discussion ... I've gotta at least see the transcript:

“-and we have decided,” says a guy at the podium, “to announce our findings the media in a press conference today. Any questions?”

Hands shoot up.

All of them.

“Yes Doctor Wilson,” indicates the speaker, almost plastic-seeming in the immaculate suit.

“All routine exams?”

“Yes,” confirms the speaker.

All the hands fall, save for one.

-a pony-tailed guy in a leisure suit with patches on the elbows.

“I don’t care for this plan,” he says. “And I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say you are doing the medical community a huge disservice, and really bumming us out.”

“A what? I’m sorry. Who are you again?” The speaker winces and covers his eyes. “And could you please put your necklaces behind your kerchief? The reflection is blinding.”

“I’m Doctor Love,” he says smiling, putting one dazzling high-heeled snakeskin boot on his chair with a dramatic flair.

“What is your objection, Doctor Love?”

“You can’t do this. I mean cripes, you gotta leave us breast exams or something. Hell, I don’t even think I would do doctorin anymore. It would be just too depressing.”

“What about the Hippocratic Oath?”

“Meh,” Doctor Love shrugs. “Kinda lost its luster now, hasn’t it?”

Murmurs skip and jump around the room like lighting bolts.

“Don’t quit, Doctor Love,” says a nearby man. “We need you. And what would you do for a living?”

“Becoming a podiatrist was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made really," scoffs Love. "School alone costed me, like, thousands of dollars -I’ve filed for bankruptcy twice. I only do it for the breast exams really. I suppose I would just get on with my cousin selling air conditioners. But that means every week that goes by, thousands of women will go without my breast exams -and are you people prepared to accept the responsibility if thousands of women get cancer every week?”

Sensing he’s on to something, Love whirls and points to the podium. “How dare you mention the Hippocratic Oath to me sir?”

The room explodes as hundreds of doctors in the audience boo and toss objects at the speaker.

“You bastards!” the speaker cries, wounded by a well-aimed stethoscope. “Fine. We’ll explicitly exclude breast exams from today’s announcement.”

-And there was much rejoicing.