Predator Press
[LOBO]
God made man in His image.
-But man was a slob. First he stopped shaving. Then he blew far past ‘love handles,' and went straight into full-fledged Wisconsin Goiter.
“Adam,” says God. “You look terrible!”
“Well gee thanks God,” replied Adam, chewing. “Be sure you sign me up for your self-esteem seminars.”
“Adam, I’m going to make you a woman.”
“But what will all my friends say?”
“No. I mean I’m going to create you a companion.”
Now Adam wasn’t all that bright: he imagined animated conversations about football and endless ‘pull my finger’ jokes.
“Cool,” he says.
“Give me one of your ribs,” says God.
“Here you go,” says Adam.
“Ugh,” says God. “You’ve got barbeque sauce in your beard.”
Adam wiped his beard with a napkin. “Do you want some of this coleslaw? This coleslaw rocks.”
“No. Just the rib, thanks.”
And from Adam’s rib sprung Eve.
“What a dump!” Eve complained.
“Okay,” says God. “My work here is done. You kids have fun now.”
“Thanks God,” says Adam.
“It’s filthy,” says Eve.
“Oh yeah,” says God as He recedes into the clouds. “One more thing. Stay the hell away from My apples, or I’ll invent the tire iron and beat you to death with it!”
“Okay God!” says Adam waving.
“Ugh,” says Eve. “Is that barbeque sauce?”
Within a month, Adam had lost 50 pounds.-Because Eve had eaten everything in sight.
Eve had gained so much weight that he couldn’t fit on the bed anymore, and often slept on the floor.
He got up and stretched carefully.
-His back was now completely wrecked.
He surveyed the devastated remains of The Garden as his stomach growled; the crops were gone, and a huge pile of animal bones by the fire pit were all that remained of the wildlife.
Adam was scratching his head wondering how Eve had even gotten the leaves off of the top of the trees when he heard a rustling sound.
A squirrel.
“Oh thank heavens,” said Adam.
But the scrawny animal had no intention of becoming Adam and Eve’s breakfast so easily. It scampered, ran and bounded out of Adam’s reach, and finally up the Tree of Knowledge. And there were those glorious apples: round and firm, a deep crimson -so sweet and heavy, the branches arched painfully under their burgeoning weight.
“Come down from there squirrel,” Adam cajoled, “and I’ll make it quick and painless!”
But the squirrel wasn’t listening. It was sniffing an apple excitedly.
“I wouldn’t do that if-“
Crunch
Suddenly there was thunder and lightning, and God’s voice boomed from the sky. “What the hell,” He says, “did I tell you people about eating My damn apples!?”
Frightened, the squirrel dropped the apple, and Adam caught it.
Adam looked at the apple, and then at the squirrel. If God catches me with this, he thought, I’m screwed. And if I explain that the squirrel did it, I’ll have no breakfast.
Looking around and thinking quickly, he spotted Eve, still slumbering and snoring loudly.
“Who dared?” demanded God.
Thinking quickly, Adam hurled the apple, and it rolled to rest right by her.
“Eve!” yelled God.
“Wha-?“ she said, starting to wake.
“Eve, what happened?” demanded God.
“She really let herself go once you left,” said Adam.
“No, I mean why hast thou disobeyed my Word and eaten of the Forbidden Fruit?’
“But I didn’t!” insisted Eve.
“I tried to stop her,” said Adam.
“Begone from my garden!” said God.
And poof she was gone.
Adam sighed. “You know, you give some people an inch ...”
“Yes,” said God disappointedly. “I guess so. Say Adam, when are you barbequing again?”
“You like squirrel?”
9 comments:
Okay, but isn't God omniscient as well as omnivorous?
Lovely. Funny, I hadn't pegged you as a misogynist. Or the sort that judged people by appearances.
Mark: I don't know, but the last time He had me over to His Pad he only had Diet Pepsi and Tab -and this weird veggie dip made of guacamole 'an carrots.
-Blech
Stephanie B: Thanks. Now I gotta look up "Misogynist."
-It damn well better mean "Handsome."
:)
Sunday School wouldn't have sucked so bad if they would have used this version. And I could have done without the fat eve image! My god!
I loved the story and yes, that picture made my breakfast want to come back.
I believe Eve's milking herself in that painting.
Is that where the term 'fat cow' originated?
Well of course Eve got fat! Look at the size of that thing under Adam's vine. She's unimpressed. Size matters! She had nothing better to do that eat. Har!
Arrrrgh, your blog has been pirated by Mom at "Life...EXAGGERATED!" Come see why...
All: I'm glad you liked this one! I added a "parody" tag at the bottom of the post which navigates to similar stuff.
Stickman: haha! I agree about the Sunday School thing. It's a little-known fact I was being groomed to be a Catholic priest until I was about 15 ... then puberty took over and everything went kablooey (And no, I don't mean I was too old for the priests).
Eve wasn't the monster she becomes in my original draft: I was actually gunning for Adam initially. I found the "fat" pic accidentally during the search for a useable one for this story, and it "fit" so well, it literally transformed the entire post.
Reforming Geek: Thank you! It was really fun to write too. I always get edgy writing Bible spoofs because, well, religious people don't always have the most "acutely-tuned" sense of humor regarding the subject.
But as Stickman pointed out, Bible characters were "real" people, with personalities distilled over centuries … and that's sad in a way: it somehow gives them less dimension. I like to imagine Noah accidentally hammering his thumb while building the Ark, and screaming muffled obscenities into a readily-available nearby sheep or something.
-Religious serenity seems less attainable without the human flaws, you know?
Midleah: I don't know for a fact this isn't a modern piece ... but I do know that, eh, "heartier" women used to be highly desired.
-Which begs the question: were they pounding down pastries in an effort to compete with each other?
Mom: I can’t imagine a better pic to capture the “soul” of this post. Adam acting all manly and Eve kind of daydreaming about … something … heehee
Now this bible I'd be interested in.
Post a Comment