Predator Press
[LOBO]
People are always asking me, "LOBO, you are so worldly and brilliant, when are you going to give us your secrets on having happy and fulfilling relationships?"
Well, I'm glad you asked me that.
-Now that I have been blissfully wed for two full months, I feel I am qualified to lecture comprehensively on the subject.
It all boils down to five simple rules:
1) Keep the Romance Alive: Pretend you have feelings, and talk about them frequently.
2) Honesty is Not Optional: When your significant other is firing known minefield queries like 'do you think she's attractive?' DO NOT PANIC: tools to bring about your own self-destruction are often in ample supply when one is thinking creatively. Electrical cords, for instance, can be used to hang yourself in the absence of piano wire and guitar strings; if time is a luxury you posses, carefully knotted strips of bath towels and/or blue jeans will do the job with considerably less mess.
3) Appreciate Her Uniqueness: The best visual aid I can offer is that men communicate like this:
... while women communicate like this:
Remember that '8os horror movie Scanners where people's veins swelled up purple until their heads exploded? That's what'll happen to you if you try to figure them out.
Stick with chocolate.
4) Take the other point of view: When she wants you to have an opinion, she will give you one.
Be patient.
5) Know your limitations: Find a woman that is already aware that you're an idiot. This will save you both from a lot of unnecessary conversations trying to convince you otherwise. Plus, once she realizes you're far too simpleminded to try and "pull one over on her", sentences like "Honey, I had no idea this was pornographic material. I was just trying to figure out why they kept misspelling 'come'!" will be interpreted as honest and straightforward -just as they were intended to be.
There you have it: my five simple rules.Hopefully LadyTerri will let me back inside long enough so I can post them soon.
3 comments:
I have a question Dr. LOBO.
How do you decide which of your multiple personalities gets to speak next? Is there a lottery? Do you draw straw? Spin a bottle? What?
Sincerely,
Confused in Idaho
Hmmm… now I know where my hubs has been getting all his relationship guidance.
P.S.
*I-da-ho*
Is the best named state in the union.
Basically, women want you to behaves just like whatever sac-less morons they see on TV shows like Grey's Anatomy.
Though it's extremely difficult to watch this kind of crap, it may be worth the psychic pain in the long run to try and stomach a few episodes and takes some notes on the kind of nonsense they want to hear.
I find that a little well-placed nonsense can spare a guy from silent treatments (a chick favorite) and sleeping on the couch.
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