Rejection Coverage 2008
Predator Press
[LOBO]
As today marks the last day of my stuff being featured in the Clay Pigeon, I've decided that I need to do something educational. As the sole source of news for millions and millions of readers, I figure Predator Press owed it to the masses to weigh in finally on the up-and-coming elections.
Now when I say "up-and-coming", I mean to say November. That's nine more months of this crap, and I'm already sick to death of it. I can't turn on the television without seeing one or more of those windbag pricks.
This country has completely lost sight of any semblance of importance and priority. What about our own princess in distress Britney Spears? Or the charming romantic misadventures of our own beloved Ben Affleck? I can't even remember the last time I saw a juicy scoop on Paris Hilton!
Someone needs to get America back on track.
The truth is none of the presidential candidates are touching on real issues the America cares about at all. It's all, 'economy this,' and 'energy crisis that', and 'blah blah blah war'. Which country are these people running for? Nobody gives two craps about any of these things.
Not a single candidate has addressed the single most burning issue on everyone's mind: How will America will conduct International Policy with the Republic of LOBOnia?
Not one.
As many of you longtime readers already know, LOBOnia is the mobile 12' circle that surrounds myself at all times. (It used to be only 10', but we have been on an aggressive and successful expansion campaign since 2006 in anticipation of the wedding to the fair LadyTerri. Did your much-lauded Wall Street Journal cover that?)
The truth is America abuses our non-aggression pact all the time. One only has to be with me when I go to O'Hare Airport to witness unbridled violations of our no-fly zone. I've filed countless unanswered claims with your government about the numerous breaches of my diplomatic immunity and tax-free status ... and don't even get me started on what I pay for international calls: Cingular is raping me every month.
How do you think that effects our respective national relations?
Hm?
The Predator Press Institute of Political Analysis has found concusively that not one of these candidates are worthy to lead your great nation into the Age of LOBOnian Enlightenment inevitably to come.
Hillary Clinton: Are you seriously going to vote for someone devoid of the common decent courtesy to put the toilet seat back up when she's done using it?
Blech!
Barack Obama: I'm sorry. But after all these years of oppression, don't you think it's time for a white guy to catch a break?
Argyle socks are huge again, and 'Riverdance' is all the rage with young people.
Our time has come.
John McCain: Just look at that tie.
OMG.
I'm not ready for whatever psychedelic hippie crap this guy must be espousing.
This entire campaign would be derailed with the use of a simple drug test.
???: I don't know who exactly this guy is, but those eyebrows are pissing me off. And the last time I saw a haircut like that, it had bits and pieces of omlet in it from scubbing the skillet.
Time to 'phone home' buddy.
... NEXT!
Brian "The Ultimate Warrior" Hellwig: Let's see Chinese President Hu Jintao skimp on the safety of children's toys and pet food after a devastating 'Warrior Splash'.
Not only is Brian a fantastic candidate, but he's a great example of what a strict diet of turducken and Jolt Cola can do.
William "Captain Kirk" Shatner: Now here's a guy who is on my personal "A" list. Not only does he have all the necessary qualifications to be an effective commander of my sprawling intergalactic empire, but unlike McCain he's got the "tie" thing together. See that? Understated. Elegant. Classy. And not afraid of two-headed green space chicks ... what a perfect heir to the Clinton legacy.
Plus we could move the whole space armada using deep Priceline discounts.
Han Solo: Lastly, I present to you perhaps the coolest candidate of all. I mean sure the actor that plays him is about as interesting as a box of rocks off-camera. But that Ford guy is an actor: Han Solo was a total BMF before the 'Special Edition' where Greedo shoots lamely in his direction first and gets his own head blasted off. But as you may well remember, in the Star Wars Unrated Release, Han and Luke tune Greedo up with baseball bats for about four minutes first.
Alas, it will be hard to separate him from his ties to crime families.
There you have it folks ... the long-awaited Predator Press list of 2008 presidential nominees.
Our apologies for not offering these sooner, but our glaring absence from commentary on the political spectrum has ended: we now recognize that you people apparently thing is pretty important.
We'll do it again next year.
I promise.
As a reminder, here's a picture of a tattoo far too painful for me to actually get.
[LOBO]As today marks the last day of my stuff being featured in the Clay Pigeon, I've decided that I need to do something educational. As the sole source of news for millions and millions of readers, I figure Predator Press owed it to the masses to weigh in finally on the up-and-coming elections.
Now when I say "up-and-coming", I mean to say November. That's nine more months of this crap, and I'm already sick to death of it. I can't turn on the television without seeing one or more of those windbag pricks.
This country has completely lost sight of any semblance of importance and priority. What about our own princess in distress Britney Spears? Or the charming romantic misadventures of our own beloved Ben Affleck? I can't even remember the last time I saw a juicy scoop on Paris Hilton!
Someone needs to get America back on track.
The truth is none of the presidential candidates are touching on real issues the America cares about at all. It's all, 'economy this,' and 'energy crisis that', and 'blah blah blah war'. Which country are these people running for? Nobody gives two craps about any of these things.
Not a single candidate has addressed the single most burning issue on everyone's mind: How will America will conduct International Policy with the Republic of LOBOnia?
Not one.
As many of you longtime readers already know, LOBOnia is the mobile 12' circle that surrounds myself at all times. (It used to be only 10', but we have been on an aggressive and successful expansion campaign since 2006 in anticipation of the wedding to the fair LadyTerri. Did your much-lauded Wall Street Journal cover that?)
The truth is America abuses our non-aggression pact all the time. One only has to be with me when I go to O'Hare Airport to witness unbridled violations of our no-fly zone. I've filed countless unanswered claims with your government about the numerous breaches of my diplomatic immunity and tax-free status ... and don't even get me started on what I pay for international calls: Cingular is raping me every month.
How do you think that effects our respective national relations?
Hm?
The Predator Press Institute of Political Analysis has found concusively that not one of these candidates are worthy to lead your great nation into the Age of LOBOnian Enlightenment inevitably to come.
Hillary Clinton: Are you seriously going to vote for someone devoid of the common decent courtesy to put the toilet seat back up when she's done using it?Blech!
Barack Obama: I'm sorry. But after all these years of oppression, don't you think it's time for a white guy to catch a break?Argyle socks are huge again, and 'Riverdance' is all the rage with young people.
Our time has come.
John McCain: Just look at that tie.OMG.
I'm not ready for whatever psychedelic hippie crap this guy must be espousing.
This entire campaign would be derailed with the use of a simple drug test.
???: I don't know who exactly this guy is, but those eyebrows are pissing me off. And the last time I saw a haircut like that, it had bits and pieces of omlet in it from scubbing the skillet.
Time to 'phone home' buddy.
... NEXT!
Brian "The Ultimate Warrior" Hellwig: Let's see Chinese President Hu Jintao skimp on the safety of children's toys and pet food after a devastating 'Warrior Splash'.Not only is Brian a fantastic candidate, but he's a great example of what a strict diet of turducken and Jolt Cola can do.
William "Captain Kirk" Shatner: Now here's a guy who is on my personal "A" list. Not only does he have all the necessary qualifications to be an effective commander of my sprawling intergalactic empire, but unlike McCain he's got the "tie" thing together. See that? Understated. Elegant. Classy. And not afraid of two-headed green space chicks ... what a perfect heir to the Clinton legacy.
Plus we could move the whole space armada using deep Priceline discounts.
Han Solo: Lastly, I present to you perhaps the coolest candidate of all. I mean sure the actor that plays him is about as interesting as a box of rocks off-camera. But that Ford guy is an actor: Han Solo was a total BMF before the 'Special Edition' where Greedo shoots lamely in his direction first and gets his own head blasted off. But as you may well remember, in the Star Wars Unrated Release, Han and Luke tune Greedo up with baseball bats for about four minutes first.Alas, it will be hard to separate him from his ties to crime families.
There you have it folks ... the long-awaited Predator Press list of 2008 presidential nominees.
Our apologies for not offering these sooner, but our glaring absence from commentary on the political spectrum has ended: we now recognize that you people apparently thing is pretty important.We'll do it again next year.
I promise.
As a reminder, here's a picture of a tattoo far too painful for me to actually get.
Comments
m.
(I'd jump the fence now, but a honeymoon for 3 in a 12 foot "sphere of influence" is kind of awkward.)