Wet Dement
Predator Press
[LOBO]
So I'm taking a bath.
Because I'm a genius.
See, it's 95 degrees here. I know this with abosolute certain precision; I have a device on my wall that tells exactly what the temperature is at any given moment.
I don't know where or how I got it. I don't even think the thing is hooked up to the internet.
It's downright spooky in a Voodoo kinda way.
So my vertical analog suspension temporatometer is telling me 'Hey man, it's fucking 95 degrees!' and I'm like, 'No way. Why is that?' But with only thin red line movin up and down to converse, I get impatient and throw my vertical-analog suspension temporatometer into the bathtub.
My vertical analog suspension temporatometer suddenly starts singing like a canary. It turns out my vertical-analog suspension temporatometer also functions perfectly as a fully-submersible horizontal thermocalculator! And it screams, 'Hey man, it's fucking 106 degrees in here!'
"Don't patronize me with your trite, red-lined scientific hippie semantics!" I says. "It's hot. My clothes are stuck to my skin from dripping sweat. Right now, an 11 degree difference might be just the cooling off I so badly need."
I strip, and prepare to indulge myself in soothing cool comfort. But then I think Wait. I haven't had a bath since I was twelve. Man, that was like ten years ago at least. How would an adult go about taking a relaxing bath?
It wasn't easy finding Ducky and my battleships, but my mom finally 'Fed-Ex'ed them. And once they were all lovingly set along the ceramic ledge, I proceeded to look for luxurious bath additives to further enhance the rather exotic experience: bubble bath, candles, music, Tide, bleach, 409, Comet, diesel, Drano ... maybe a little vanilla extract for the ladies. Ah, you get the picture.
And as the cooling, fragrant and peaceful fluids sloshed and hissed about, I instinctively held my nose and submerged completely. Playfully, I tried to see if I could still hold my breath as long as I used to. As childhood memories flooded in, I could hear my mom scolding, 'Just don't open your eyes while under there.'
Man I was a stupid kid.
What could possibly happen if you opened your eyes under here?
Comments
The same thing as would happen if you kept your eyes shut, I should expect. Being snapped in two by a crocodile if you were in the Congo River.
I'am sure you got a bang out of taking a bath once more.
What a ritual, and I started cracking up seeing that you didn't forget rubber ducky AND the battleships.Hee Hee !
But, what's with the chemical junk ?
Yeah, like most adults,I got in the shower habit. Quicker and more economical.
You have a good day and keep cool.
Gorrila B, fear not; I proclaim a new LOBOnian law: let no LOBOnian citizen ever go near the Congo, or anyplace else without central air.
Barbara, that "chemical junk" is my secret formula for silky smooth skin ... shh! :)
And Diesel, you are always welcome ... besides, I always bathe in a big yellow biological suit so nothing 'weird' ever happens. But be careful with the duck; it's taken out many a naval armada and GI Joe in it's day ....