Ask LOBO

Predator Press

Dear LOBO,

Why is the White House Press Secretary Tony Snow stepping down after only a few months?

Ben T.,
South Bend, Indiana


Well, I'm glad you asked this Bob.

I've already heard Liberals joking like What's eating the yellow Snow?, and frankly, I consider this the apex of partisan tastelessness; our noble Reich of Patriot Conservatives are only engaged in the compassionate act of protecting us and our neighbors from worshiping false gods and idolatry in an effort to bring them the One True Lord and Savior: Jesus Christ.

The act of using poor people to kill other poor people is a tradition deeply-rooted in global history, and it's very selfless if you think about it: America has been around for a long time, and smiting godless infidels is a tough job often requiring deception, exploitation and decimation of it's own population.

And yes being smoten has the occasional tendency to feel uncomfortable and awkward. But if all those other stupid warlike, unstable cultures would just peacefully accept our obvious moral superiority and priceless Freedom, we could've avoided virtually every instance of smotion in the first place! It's their fault we gotta do all this.

So when you hear those godless infidel Liberals bashing the Bush Administration, don't lower yourself to their level. The truth is, when Predator Press considered offering Tony Snow a job, we determined he was almost too good: he only needed a few months to help the Bush Administration explain God's Will. But you don't need to explain yourself through a 'Press Secretary' when you are doing God's Will, right? Apparently, we intend to be around explaining God's Will a lot longer than the White House.

One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and I will all be standing next to Jesus in Heaven, looking down upon all these alarmist smarty-pants hippies. And as Satan splays their steamy, hissing entrails into the Lake of Fire, sodomizing their Pituitary glands with non-sterilized white-hot pokers while playing scratchy Black Sabbath records that frequently skip, we'll all just laugh and laugh and laugh.