Minnesotan Confesses to Bridge Conspiracy

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Yes, you heard it here first!

No one was more shocked than we to find Terri Terri brashly claiming Minnesotan responsibility for the bridge collapse that has gripped the entire nation in morbid terror of it's own diabolical highway system.

In a chilling, cryptic dispatch to Predator Press composed of glued-on magazine letters, she left the following comment on our Saturday, August 4 post: "Yeah, us Minnesotans just had nothing better to do than irritate the President so we decided to collapse one of our bridges just to get him off his lazy ass. Wheeee! That was fun!"

In effort to scientifically measure the average Minnesotan capacity for evil, we have compiled some startling statistics that our friends to the West may be trying to surpass:

* Cancer: 556,902 (2006)
* Iraq: 30,000
* Domestic firearm fatalities: 29,573 (2006)
* Katrina (2005): 800
* Automotive fatalities, New York (2006): 750
* Domestic peanut allergy-related fatalities (2006): 150
* Evil Minnesotan bridges (2007): 5-8
* Domestic shark attack fatalities 1948-2005: 9

As you can clearly see, the sinister Minnesotans are clearly at pace to overtake the much-ballyhooed and overrated shark. But unless they have 30 more bridges, they cannot possibly expect to wreak more wanton death and carnage than your garden-variety Chinese toy factory on mandatory overtime.

We recommend "mixing it up" a bit to beef up the numbers: by combining second hand smoke and diets high in trans-fatty acids, you'll be caught up with Katrina in no time!