Intensive Carelessness

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“Let me get this straight,” says Nurse Garrison, looking out at me over her glasses. “You narrowly escaped being assassinated by the United States Government disguising yourself as a flesh-eating cicada … like the ones that wiped out your entire town?”

“Check,” I says.

“Then,” she says while flipping through pages on her clipboard, “Lindsay Lohan kicked your ass.”

“Lindsay Lohan and four bodyguards kicked my ass,” I corrected.

“That’s funny,” says the nurse. “Because there’s no mention of any bodyguards in the Police Report.”

“Well they were there,” I insist. “They must’ve snuck off. Like ninjas. In fact, yes. Now that I’ve thought about it, all six of those bodyguards were wearing black pajamas.”

“But Lindsay Lohan has issued sworn testimony that she doesn’t employ any bodyguards.”

“Currently.”

“Currently?”

“They could’ve been ninjas from the future. What if Lindsay Lohan, like, meets this creepy weirdo one day? Then she gets the bodyguards.”

“Ninja bodyguards … that can time travel.”

“You know for somebody that took the Hypocritical Oath to ‘Serve and Protect’, I’m starting to think you’re not taking me seriously.”

“Well, I am a little puzzled by some things.”

“Like what?”

“Like, if you escaped millions of carnivorous cicadas by dressing as one, why didn’t you just dress as Lindsay Lohan?”

“Look, just kiss my ass. Okay?”

“Not with that stiletto heel in there. Someone could poke their eye out.”