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[LOBO]

In a day and age where we can simultaneously download a bazillion gigabytes and get a cooked pizza in 30 minutes or less, I think we are alarmingly short-sighted.

See, we’ve recently enjoyed exponential advances in communication technology. With these advances, we slowly gather the wisdom and beliefs from all across the globe -the ancient wisdom of Buddhism, Zen and the Toa, for instance, have never been more accessible.

And as Americans, our steady and linear march to a global awareness, expanded world consciousness, and –perhaps most importantly- tolerance is quietly tempered in the patient steely Faith that any minute now Jesus will return and kick the living crap out of all those pagan infidels, and cast them into the Lake of Fire to suffer for the rest of Eternity.

I, for one, cannot wait to see those dumb jerks all boiling in agony as Satan rips off random pieces of flesh and bone while they howl in pain, doggie-paddling in the flaming lava of their own boiling misguided swill. “Get out now!” I’ll cry throwing them a life preserver -but I’ll have that life preserver on a super-thin string they can’t see: just like that twenty dollar bill trick we used to see in the movies, as they get tantalizingly close, yoink, I pull it out of their reach.

Haw!

Oh man it’ll be a million laughs. Over a big enough span of time, it would be a million million laughs: I could do that forever, pausing only briefly to high-five all the other angels.

But it’s been two thousand years now, and as evidenced by His failure to return my phone calls and emails I’m starting to suspect Jesus is pretty busy. And can we fault Him for that? No! Can you imagine what Jesus’ itinerary must be like? Oh sure it probably looks pretty simple … 8:00am: Smite Evil, 8:15am: Smite Evil, et cetera. But “Evil” has a tendency to do bad things with complete disregard to Jesus’ WhiteBerry™: Jesus might slip out to Starbucks for a café mocha grande and pow, Evil makes it’s move.

Until we can get it to play fair, Evil should be regarded as very very sneaky.

Well we can’t put all this pressure on Jesus alone, or Jesus might wig out one day and throw the fax machine through the stained glass windows. And we can’t fight Evil without Him either … while the spirit is willing, the flesh is pasty and watching American Idol.

-What I propose is that we take all these miraculous technological advances and build a RoboJesus.

Now before all you religious people start thinking crazy, at least take a moment to consider my RoboJesus idea: we don’t worship RoboJesus of course … we just make a NASA-grade titanium bulletproof steel version to fill in on occasional "light" Evil jobs.

Programmed with both the Old and the New Testament, RoboJesus would wade through Al Qaeda camps spraying them with righteous lasers and napalm, all the while preaching Gospel, humming psalms, and otherwise forgiving the remaining skeletons with deadly pinpoint accuracy. And to ensure the skeletons don’t here the same sermon twice? RoboJesus has, like, iPod technology, and a memory bank chocked full of no less than thousands of hours of Peace and Love audio in any ass-backwards language besides English you could possibly think of.

Even British!


Comments

Stephanie Barr said…
NASA-grade means safe to civilians. You want something military if you're going to go smiting.
I'm pretty sure they already did something like this in Japan. Domo arigato Shinto Roboto.
LOBO said…
Stephanie: LOL good point. Hey, were you serious about doing the guest post? I've only got one other commitment, so unless I can inspire more interest I may be wrapping this up as a failed project. But even if it's only two "guests" it'll be fun -and not even "out of the gate" yet, it's a bit premature to judge.

But the other writer needs a week to ten days from "go," and I think I'll space them out at least a week apart. So any "heads up" you can give me will aid in the planning.

DG: Argh!! Styx song playing ... in ... brain now .... must ... kill ... kill kill.

It's funny what people respond to. This one could be easily misinterpreted as mocking a religious figure rather than mocking overboard followers ... but while I was concerned it would offend, response seems rather tepid.

-On the flipside I did a short pop on redheads a year or so ago and got angry, frothing emails and threats.

Weird!
Donnie said…
Well, the American (righteous ???) thing is to create a G.I.Jesus in lieu of the outdated G.I.Joe dude who was apparently washed out because of non compliance of "don't ask, don't tell". Jesus with flaming swords and eyeballs dripping blood...I can see the rapture now! Can I get an amen?
LOBO said…
GI Jesus ... OMG that's awesome. LOL!!!
Stephanie Barr said…
I was serious though my sister is staying with me this week. Not sure it's the best. However, I could get something in this weekend. Would that work? Let me think of some ideas and I'll forward 'em on.
LOBO said…
It appears you'll be first then.

Thanks!
Anonymous said…
Robojesus would be listening to the carolla podcast on his ipod and perhaps an episode or two of shoddy radio as well (available at www.shoddyradio.com or in itunes under shoddy radio).
LOBO said…
haha! Awesome call ... I listen to Adam every day. (For a second I thought you were my wife!!)

-I will definitely give you guys a listen!
LOBO said…
This may be redundant because Ace Carolla is linked out the wazoo here, but his almost daily podcasts are found here.

-But I like the sneaky thought put into by that last commenter too, so I'm giving shoddyradio.com a link under Petit Mal.
Mars said…
Excuse me, my flesh may be pasty but I DO NOT watch American Idol! I watch So You Think You Can Dance.
Jackie said…
Lobo my friend! wow it is good to hear from you!! I have missed you. I love your new look. Keep an eye open at my blog too. I am having a new do and hopefully will be stream lined and much easier to load.

Lotsa love to my fave reporter!
Jackie
LOBO said…
Mars: haha. You know I'm probably the only guy on Earth that's never seen a full episode of any of those shows? "Dancing With the Stars" either ... that's more weird because I'm a big fan of Adam carolla and David Alan Grier; I just can't watch tv anymore ... I feel like my brain is evaporating or something.

Shinade/Jackie: I tried to go to your site and say 'hallooo' but it's all set on private. Thanks! I like the 'new' look too, but I'm thinkng of adding a column. That's a bigger project than I thought it would be though -I'm not sure I could do it without the site going down for a few days to arrange the modules ...
Anonymous said…
Lord Helmet said it best,
"Evil always wins because good is dumb."
LOBO said…
"We're not doing this for money. We're doing this for a shitload of money!"
Anonymous said…
Give me paw!!!!
LOBO said…
"No, no, no. Go past this. Pass this part. In fact, never play this again."
LOBO said…
"I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!"
LOBO said…
"That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage."
LOBO said…
(Paw is given -with enthusiasm!)
Anonymous said…
oh no, not again...

What'd you order, the soup or the special.....

Check please.

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