AutoChrist

Predator Press

[LOBO]

In a day and age where we can simultaneously download a bazillion gigabytes and get a cooked pizza in 30 minutes or less, I think we are alarmingly short-sighted.

See, we’ve recently enjoyed exponential advances in communication technology. With these advances, we slowly gather the wisdom and beliefs from all across the globe -the ancient wisdom of Buddhism, Zen and the Toa, for instance, have never been more accessible.

And as Americans, our steady and linear march to a global awareness, expanded world consciousness, and –perhaps most importantly- tolerance is quietly tempered in the patient steely Faith that any minute now Jesus will return and kick the living crap out of all those pagan infidels, and cast them into the Lake of Fire to suffer for the rest of Eternity.

I, for one, cannot wait to see those dumb jerks all boiling in agony as Satan rips off random pieces of flesh and bone while they howl in pain, doggie-paddling in the flaming lava of their own boiling misguided swill. “Get out now!” I’ll cry throwing them a life preserver -but I’ll have that life preserver on a super-thin string they can’t see: just like that twenty dollar bill trick we used to see in the movies, as they get tantalizingly close, yoink, I pull it out of their reach.

Haw!

Oh man it’ll be a million laughs. Over a big enough span of time, it would be a million million laughs: I could do that forever, pausing only briefly to high-five all the other angels.

But it’s been two thousand years now, and as evidenced by His failure to return my phone calls and emails I’m starting to suspect Jesus is pretty busy. And can we fault Him for that? No! Can you imagine what Jesus’ itinerary must be like? Oh sure it probably looks pretty simple … 8:00am: Smite Evil, 8:15am: Smite Evil, et cetera. But “Evil” has a tendency to do bad things with complete disregard to Jesus’ WhiteBerry™: Jesus might slip out to Starbucks for a café mocha grande and pow, Evil makes it’s move.

Until we can get it to play fair, Evil should be regarded as very very sneaky.

Well we can’t put all this pressure on Jesus alone, or Jesus might wig out one day and throw the fax machine through the stained glass windows. And we can’t fight Evil without Him either … while the spirit is willing, the flesh is pasty and watching American Idol.

-What I propose is that we take all these miraculous technological advances and build a RoboJesus.

Now before all you religious people start thinking crazy, at least take a moment to consider my RoboJesus idea: we don’t worship RoboJesus of course … we just make a NASA-grade titanium bulletproof steel version to fill in on occasional "light" Evil jobs.

Programmed with both the Old and the New Testament, RoboJesus would wade through Al Qaeda camps spraying them with righteous lasers and napalm, all the while preaching Gospel, humming psalms, and otherwise forgiving the remaining skeletons with deadly pinpoint accuracy. And to ensure the skeletons don’t here the same sermon twice? RoboJesus has, like, iPod technology, and a memory bank chocked full of no less than thousands of hours of Peace and Love audio in any ass-backwards language besides English you could possibly think of.

Even British!