Predator Press Interviews: Kevin Federline
Predator Press
I don’t know how Ethan pulled it off, but Kevin Federline and his entourage arrive almost precisely on time for the exclusive Predator Press interview. I would have had more time for preparation, but people at work say its been difficult to reach me since I trekked through Mordor to chuck my cellphone into Mount Doom a few weeks ago. I’m starting to suspect the two events are linked somehow …
LOBO: I know you. You’re the dude dating that Britney Spears chick, right?
Kevin Federline: Actually, we got married. [Kevin pauses] We’re currently getting a divorce.
LOBO: Any kids?
Kevin Federline: Yes.
LOBO: Wow, that’s terrible.
Kevin Federline: Yes. But Britney and I have parted on good terms, and she’s a wonderful woman. We’re going to do our best to raise them like any other loving family would under these circumstances. Now can we please get on to discussing my new recording project?
LOBO: I saw her at some awards show or something on television. She’s pretty hot.
Kevin Federline: Yes, I know.
LOBO: She’s probably loaded, too.
Kevin Federline: She’s very comfortable.
LOBO: Is she dating yet?
Kevin Federline: I don’t know, it’s none of my business.
LOBO: Say, do you think a chick like Britney and a guy like me--?
Kevin Federline: No.
LOBO: Probably for the best really. I mean she’s got kids already and everything. That’s always awkward.
Kevin Federline: I can imagine.
LOBO: Kevin, level with me. She’s hot, and she’s rich. What’s the problem between you two?
Kevin Federline: Hey buddy, I thought this interview was supposed to be about my upcoming tour.
LOBO: Was she lousy in the sack?
Kevin Federline: No.
LOBO: Did she, like, clip her toenails in bed, shooting them all over the bedroom like crazy random grenade shrapnel?
Kevin Federline: No. But I'm trying to promote my tour despite--
LOBO: Okay, slowly. I'm trying to get all this down. You're going to sit there and look me in the eye and tell me you never once cut your bare foot on one of those jagged, deadly toenails hidden deeply in the shag carpet? My God I'll bet you could hang your Carharts on one of those things imbedded in the wall. Kevin ... I'm skeptical here really. I mean, you're a good lookin pup and all, but she's hot AND she's rich. Fess up. Without making any commentary on your housecleaning habits, I just can't see you making this hot, rich babe vacuum until you hear each of the ten errant toenails violently crack inside your Hoover one by one. In fact, I'll bet you ended up having to do it yourself. And you became so annoyed that it was drowning out your yelling, you lost count at like seven or so--
Kevin Federline: That tears it. This interview is OVER.
LOBO: Okay, fine. I believe you about the toenails NOT destroying the relationship, but I'm not sure our readers will. Did she cook like crap? Was her back too hairy? Wait --are you gay? You could discretely tell me into that microphone if you were gay. That microphone has been broken for weeks. And I certainly wouldn't tell anyone you admitted you were gay into a broken microphone during an Exclusive Predator Press interview--
Kevin Federline: I'm not gay! [furious, exasperated pause] Okay, fine! She was lousy in the sack, alright?
LOBO: Wow. I knew it. What's the name of your band again?
I don’t know how Ethan pulled it off, but Kevin Federline and his entourage arrive almost precisely on time for the exclusive Predator Press interview. I would have had more time for preparation, but people at work say its been difficult to reach me since I trekked through Mordor to chuck my cellphone into Mount Doom a few weeks ago. I’m starting to suspect the two events are linked somehow …
LOBO: I know you. You’re the dude dating that Britney Spears chick, right?
Kevin Federline: Actually, we got married. [Kevin pauses] We’re currently getting a divorce.
LOBO: Any kids?
Kevin Federline: Yes.
LOBO: Wow, that’s terrible.
Kevin Federline: Yes. But Britney and I have parted on good terms, and she’s a wonderful woman. We’re going to do our best to raise them like any other loving family would under these circumstances. Now can we please get on to discussing my new recording project?
LOBO: I saw her at some awards show or something on television. She’s pretty hot.
Kevin Federline: Yes, I know.
LOBO: She’s probably loaded, too.
Kevin Federline: She’s very comfortable.
LOBO: Is she dating yet?
Kevin Federline: I don’t know, it’s none of my business.
LOBO: Say, do you think a chick like Britney and a guy like me--?
Kevin Federline: No.
LOBO: Probably for the best really. I mean she’s got kids already and everything. That’s always awkward.
Kevin Federline: I can imagine.
LOBO: Kevin, level with me. She’s hot, and she’s rich. What’s the problem between you two?
Kevin Federline: Hey buddy, I thought this interview was supposed to be about my upcoming tour.
LOBO: Was she lousy in the sack?
Kevin Federline: No.
LOBO: Did she, like, clip her toenails in bed, shooting them all over the bedroom like crazy random grenade shrapnel?
Kevin Federline: No. But I'm trying to promote my tour despite--
LOBO: Okay, slowly. I'm trying to get all this down. You're going to sit there and look me in the eye and tell me you never once cut your bare foot on one of those jagged, deadly toenails hidden deeply in the shag carpet? My God I'll bet you could hang your Carharts on one of those things imbedded in the wall. Kevin ... I'm skeptical here really. I mean, you're a good lookin pup and all, but she's hot AND she's rich. Fess up. Without making any commentary on your housecleaning habits, I just can't see you making this hot, rich babe vacuum until you hear each of the ten errant toenails violently crack inside your Hoover one by one. In fact, I'll bet you ended up having to do it yourself. And you became so annoyed that it was drowning out your yelling, you lost count at like seven or so--
Kevin Federline: That tears it. This interview is OVER.
LOBO: Okay, fine. I believe you about the toenails NOT destroying the relationship, but I'm not sure our readers will. Did she cook like crap? Was her back too hairy? Wait --are you gay? You could discretely tell me into that microphone if you were gay. That microphone has been broken for weeks. And I certainly wouldn't tell anyone you admitted you were gay into a broken microphone during an Exclusive Predator Press interview--
Kevin Federline: I'm not gay! [furious, exasperated pause] Okay, fine! She was lousy in the sack, alright?
LOBO: Wow. I knew it. What's the name of your band again?
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