Predator Press
[LOBO]
God made man in His image.
-But man was a slob. First he stopped shaving. Then he blew far past ‘love handles,' and went straight into full-fledged
Wisconsin Goiter.
“Adam,” says God. “You look
terrible!”
“Well gee thanks God,” replied Adam, chewing. “Be sure you sign me up for your self-esteem seminars.”
“Adam, I’m going to make you a woman.”
“But what will all my friends say?”
“No. I mean I’m going to create you a companion.”
Now Adam wasn’t all that bright: he imagined animated conversations about football and endless ‘pull my finger’ jokes.
“Cool,” he says.
“Give me one of your ribs,” says God.
“Here you go,” says Adam.
“Ugh,” says God. “You’ve got barbeque sauce in your beard.”
Adam wiped his beard with a napkin. “Do you want some of this coleslaw? This coleslaw
rocks.”
“No. Just the rib, thanks.”
And from Adam’s rib sprung Eve.
“What a
dump!” Eve complained.
“Okay,” says God. “My work here is done. You kids have fun now.”
“Thanks God,” says Adam.
“It’s
filthy,” says Eve.
“Oh yeah,” says God as He recedes into the clouds. “One more thing. Stay the hell away from My apples, or I’ll invent the tire iron and beat you to death with it!”
“Okay God!” says Adam waving.
“Ugh,” says Eve. “Is that barbeque sauce?”
***
Within a month, Adam had lost 50 pounds.
-Because Eve had eaten everything in sight.
Eve had gained so much weight that he couldn’t fit on the bed anymore, and often slept on the floor.
He got up and stretched carefully.
-His back was now completely wrecked.
He surveyed the devastated remains of The Garden as his stomach growled; the crops were gone, and a huge pile of animal bones by the fire pit were all that remained of the wildlife.
Adam was scratching his head wondering how Eve had even gotten the leaves off of the
top of the trees when he heard a rustling sound.
A squirrel.
“Oh thank heavens,” said Adam.
But the scrawny animal had no intention of becoming Adam and Eve’s breakfast so easily. It scampered, ran and bounded out of Adam’s reach, and finally up the Tree of Knowledge. And there were those glorious apples: round and firm, a deep crimson -so sweet and heavy, the branches arched painfully under their burgeoning weight.
“Come down from there squirrel,” Adam cajoled, “and I’ll make it quick and painless!”
But the squirrel wasn’t listening. It was sniffing an apple excitedly.
“I wouldn’t do that if-“
Crunch
Suddenly there was thunder and lightning, and God’s voice boomed from the sky. “What the hell,” He says, “did I tell you people about eating My damn
apples!?”
Frightened, the squirrel dropped the apple, and Adam caught it.
Adam looked at the apple, and then at the squirrel.
If God catches me with this, he thought,
I’m screwed. And if I explain that the squirrel did it, I’ll have no breakfast.
Looking around and thinking quickly, he spotted Eve, still slumbering and snoring loudly.
“Who
dared?” demanded God.
Thinking quickly, Adam hurled the apple, and it rolled to rest right by her.
“Eve!” yelled God.
“Wha-?“ she said, starting to wake.
“Eve, what
happened?” demanded God.
“She really let herself go once you left,” said Adam.
“No, I mean why hast thou disobeyed my Word and eaten of the Forbidden Fruit?’
“But I
didn’t!” insisted Eve.
“I
tried to stop her,” said Adam.
“Begone from my garden!” said God.
And
poof she was gone.
Adam sighed. “You know, you give some people an inch ...”
“Yes,” said God disappointedly. “I guess so. Say Adam, when are you barbequing again?”
“You like squirrel?”
[LOBO]
