Predator Press
[LOBO]
Why do I work circled by whirling death machines all day only to become most mortally fearful when I wanna use the bathroom there at ZANE? Now I know I work in the Whirling Death Machine Department, but I sure as the hell don't want some unpronouncable supervirus leaping up my can and replacing my kidney with a "Starbucks" or something, thank you.
Could you please use hygiene as a consideration of hire?
Sunday
4:21
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Yes, the article in People magazine is true. "LOBO: The Motion Picture" has been derailed once again in contract negotiations.
These racists have an issue with Wesley Snipes playing "LOBO".
Okay, sure he's not white ... but if you've seen any of the Blade movies, he's obviously already got all my ninja moves down pretty good.
And so what? Are you tryin ta say Wesley Snipes can't act!?
[LOBO]
Yes, the article in People magazine is true. "LOBO: The Motion Picture" has been derailed once again in contract negotiations.
These racists have an issue with Wesley Snipes playing "LOBO".
Okay, sure he's not white ... but if you've seen any of the Blade movies, he's obviously already got all my ninja moves down pretty good.
And so what? Are you tryin ta say Wesley Snipes can't act!?
Tuesday
DREXLER GETS LIFE
Boston, MA in Flames
Predator Press
[STAFF]
Denzinald Remmy, forcibly escorted from his Ferrari, grimmly contemplates a splatter of croissants and latte, a horrifying effigy of violent Bostonian uprising. "I remember when he played for The Bulls, all hyped up on Ebonics and asteroids to improve his game performance ... serves him right!"
Oooh, we're so scared. Next thing you know, they'll start dumping tea in some ecologically unsound water supply.
Story continued on some blog that gives a crap, okay?
Cripes, haven't you heard about that dude Drexel!?
[STAFF]
Denzinald Remmy, forcibly escorted from his Ferrari, grimmly contemplates a splatter of croissants and latte, a horrifying effigy of violent Bostonian uprising. "I remember when he played for The Bulls, all hyped up on Ebonics and asteroids to improve his game performance ... serves him right!"
Oooh, we're so scared. Next thing you know, they'll start dumping tea in some ecologically unsound water supply.
Story continued on some blog that gives a crap, okay?
Cripes, haven't you heard about that dude Drexel!?
Sunday
DASH CUNNING HAS RETURNED
Predator Press
[DASH CUNNING]
YES PEOPLE! DRY YOUR TEARS. DASH CUNNING, IN RESPONSE TO YOUR MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF EMAILS, HAS ONCE AGAIN RETURNED TO GRACE YOU WITH HIS WISDOM. AND HOPEFULLY HE WILL RESCUE THIS BLOG FROM ALL THIS OTHER BANAL NONSENSE AND DRIVEL TOO.
SORRY FOR DASH CUNNING'S EXTENDED ABSENCE. ZANE INDUSTRIES IS A DEMANDING MISTRESS. IT TURNS OUT THAT 75% OF ALL ACCIDENTS (AND POTENTIAL LAWSUITS) AT OUR WAREHOUSE INVOLVE "MOBILE EQUIPMENT" SUCH AS FORKLIFTS AND THINGS. DASH CUNNING IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT AS OF TODAY, ALL "MOBILE EQUIPMENT" AT ZANE INDUSTRIES HAS BEEN RENDERED COMPLETELY IMMOBILE.
INSTEAD OF RECKLESSLY DRIVING A FOUR-TON VEHICLE AROUND AND MOVING DANGEROUS PALLETS OF SINISTER PRODUCTS ABOUT, WE WILL NOW HAVE EIGHT BIG GUYS TO LIFT THE FORKLIFT TO THE PALLET, SLIDE THE FORKS UNDER IT, AND THEN CARRY THE FORKLIFT, FORKLIFT DRIVER (SOMEBODY HAS TO FREQUENTLY BLAST THE HORN), PALLET AND FREIGHT TO THE DESIRED LOCATION.
AS THIS WILL OBVIOUSLY BE A HUGE SETBACK FOR OUR WOULD-BE ROBOT OVERLORDS, DASH CUNNING CAN NOW FOCUS ON THE EVIL ZOMBIE HORDE'S INEVITABLE INVASION.
... WELL, THAT AND HIRING EIGHT NEW FORKLIFT LIFTERS (THEY WON'T LET DASH CUNNING OUTSOURCE THIS TO INDIA) ... AND SPEAKING OF DASH CUNNING, DASH CUNNING WANTS A PITH HELMET. DASH CUNNING WOULD LOOK GREAT IN A PITH HELMET. IT WOULD AUGMENT DASH CUNNING'S RUGGED, GOOD LOOKS WITH A REGAL AND IMPERIALIST STATURE. DO ANY OF YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHERE THIS "PITH" SHOP IS?
ANYWAY, ANYONE INTERESTED IN JOINING DASH CUNNINGS'S ELITE CORE OF ZANE INDUSTRIES FORKLIFT LIFTERS PLEASE EMAIL YOUR RESUME.
ENGLISH SPEAKING NEED NOT APPLY.
[DASH CUNNING]
YES PEOPLE! DRY YOUR TEARS. DASH CUNNING, IN RESPONSE TO YOUR MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF EMAILS, HAS ONCE AGAIN RETURNED TO GRACE YOU WITH HIS WISDOM. AND HOPEFULLY HE WILL RESCUE THIS BLOG FROM ALL THIS OTHER BANAL NONSENSE AND DRIVEL TOO.
SORRY FOR DASH CUNNING'S EXTENDED ABSENCE. ZANE INDUSTRIES IS A DEMANDING MISTRESS. IT TURNS OUT THAT 75% OF ALL ACCIDENTS (AND POTENTIAL LAWSUITS) AT OUR WAREHOUSE INVOLVE "MOBILE EQUIPMENT" SUCH AS FORKLIFTS AND THINGS. DASH CUNNING IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT AS OF TODAY, ALL "MOBILE EQUIPMENT" AT ZANE INDUSTRIES HAS BEEN RENDERED COMPLETELY IMMOBILE.
INSTEAD OF RECKLESSLY DRIVING A FOUR-TON VEHICLE AROUND AND MOVING DANGEROUS PALLETS OF SINISTER PRODUCTS ABOUT, WE WILL NOW HAVE EIGHT BIG GUYS TO LIFT THE FORKLIFT TO THE PALLET, SLIDE THE FORKS UNDER IT, AND THEN CARRY THE FORKLIFT, FORKLIFT DRIVER (SOMEBODY HAS TO FREQUENTLY BLAST THE HORN), PALLET AND FREIGHT TO THE DESIRED LOCATION.
AS THIS WILL OBVIOUSLY BE A HUGE SETBACK FOR OUR WOULD-BE ROBOT OVERLORDS, DASH CUNNING CAN NOW FOCUS ON THE EVIL ZOMBIE HORDE'S INEVITABLE INVASION.
... WELL, THAT AND HIRING EIGHT NEW FORKLIFT LIFTERS (THEY WON'T LET DASH CUNNING OUTSOURCE THIS TO INDIA) ... AND SPEAKING OF DASH CUNNING, DASH CUNNING WANTS A PITH HELMET. DASH CUNNING WOULD LOOK GREAT IN A PITH HELMET. IT WOULD AUGMENT DASH CUNNING'S RUGGED, GOOD LOOKS WITH A REGAL AND IMPERIALIST STATURE. DO ANY OF YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHERE THIS "PITH" SHOP IS?
ANYWAY, ANYONE INTERESTED IN JOINING DASH CUNNINGS'S ELITE CORE OF ZANE INDUSTRIES FORKLIFT LIFTERS PLEASE EMAIL YOUR RESUME.
ENGLISH SPEAKING NEED NOT APPLY.
Wednesday
To the Grrl Who Emailed ...
Predator Press
[LOBO]
To the grrl who emailed:
May I have a photo of "Little" LOBO? I would really like to make his acquaintance, even if only through a photograph. Is that possible? Pa-leeeeeeeeeze?"
Photograph THE GENERAL!?! My god I need Top Secret Clearance just to wash the bastard!
However, in strict adherence to the Geneva Convention, I might be willing to swap captured spies.
... Just doin' my humble part in pursuit of World Piece ...
[LOBO]
To the grrl who emailed:
May I have a photo of "Little" LOBO? I would really like to make his acquaintance, even if only through a photograph. Is that possible? Pa-leeeeeeeeeze?"
Photograph THE GENERAL!?! My god I need Top Secret Clearance just to wash the bastard!
However, in strict adherence to the Geneva Convention, I might be willing to swap captured spies.
... Just doin' my humble part in pursuit of World Piece ...
Thursday
Thanx a Lot, Jerkoff!
Predator Press
[LOBO]
If I hear one more fat, rich celebrity talk about how "the secret to happiness is to get paid for doing what you love", I'm going completely bats. For every last one of those arrogant pricks, I pray a violently-removed rusty and jagged catheter is in their not-too-distant future. And no-talent drop-out 'lil spoiled rich kids like Rush Limbaugh should have theirs heavily salted prior to the process.
Adulthood has been unnecessarily harsh on me because of these deceitful egomaniacs. How many careers consist of sleeping twenty hours a day, and then banging Hawaiian Tropic Girls during the brief debacle of slothful, indolent consciousness?? Hm? With all these years of practice and training [on the sleep part], I have been ready for world-class Olympic competition at any given moment since 1984.
I am starting to suspect it will all be in vain.
... and I blame those jerks.
Look, maybe it's true that too many of my critical brain cells were promoted to respiration at that Phish concert ... but is anyone out there actually daydreaming about changing bedpans or being Janet Reno's gynecologist?
Would someone please tell these pompous asses to enjoy their good fortunes and shut the fuck up with your self-serving fairy tale bullshit?
PLEASE?
[LOBO]
If I hear one more fat, rich celebrity talk about how "the secret to happiness is to get paid for doing what you love", I'm going completely bats. For every last one of those arrogant pricks, I pray a violently-removed rusty and jagged catheter is in their not-too-distant future. And no-talent drop-out 'lil spoiled rich kids like Rush Limbaugh should have theirs heavily salted prior to the process.
Adulthood has been unnecessarily harsh on me because of these deceitful egomaniacs. How many careers consist of sleeping twenty hours a day, and then banging Hawaiian Tropic Girls during the brief debacle of slothful, indolent consciousness?? Hm? With all these years of practice and training [on the sleep part], I have been ready for world-class Olympic competition at any given moment since 1984.
I am starting to suspect it will all be in vain.
... and I blame those jerks.
Look, maybe it's true that too many of my critical brain cells were promoted to respiration at that Phish concert ... but is anyone out there actually daydreaming about changing bedpans or being Janet Reno's gynecologist?
Would someone please tell these pompous asses to enjoy their good fortunes and shut the fuck up with your self-serving fairy tale bullshit?
PLEASE?
Sunday
Erectile Disfunction
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I keep hearing commercials on Erectile Disfunction warning that you go to a doctor if your erection lasts for more than four hours.
Don't you people know that friction causes heat? Those of you that know me know that I'm still getting therapy for witnessing a serious bout of "Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots" as a child ... after a four hour erection I imagine some unlucky lady (with REALLY messy hair) and I having to go straight to a fire extinguisher. I'm just not up to that kind of trauma.
How would you get that smell of burning flesh and hair out of your trailer? The sparks alone would threaten to actually ignite the oxygen and helium in the atmosphere! Plus you'll have to re-upright all the furniture, stack all the Tupperware back on top of your refrigerator and re-attach all those teeny-tiny magnets. Then you gotta adjust the crooked neon "Miller High Life" thingy on the wall, and get all the sticky candy back into the decorative Dale Earnhardt hubcap displayed proudly on your coffee table.
And even as you get all the Led Zepplin and Barry White CD's organized, "Desperate Housewives", "American Idol", and "Lost: Season II" start TIVO-ing over your "American Chopper" episodes while she innocuously knits tiny booties and berates you about what a jerk your friends are.
I'm getting tired just thinking about it.
Aren't you people worried about accidentally getting it slammed in the car door? And wouldn't just walking around like that give you back problems?
Just say "No!" to drugs.
[LOBO]
I keep hearing commercials on Erectile Disfunction warning that you go to a doctor if your erection lasts for more than four hours.
Don't you people know that friction causes heat? Those of you that know me know that I'm still getting therapy for witnessing a serious bout of "Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots" as a child ... after a four hour erection I imagine some unlucky lady (with REALLY messy hair) and I having to go straight to a fire extinguisher. I'm just not up to that kind of trauma.
How would you get that smell of burning flesh and hair out of your trailer? The sparks alone would threaten to actually ignite the oxygen and helium in the atmosphere! Plus you'll have to re-upright all the furniture, stack all the Tupperware back on top of your refrigerator and re-attach all those teeny-tiny magnets. Then you gotta adjust the crooked neon "Miller High Life" thingy on the wall, and get all the sticky candy back into the decorative Dale Earnhardt hubcap displayed proudly on your coffee table.
And even as you get all the Led Zepplin and Barry White CD's organized, "Desperate Housewives", "American Idol", and "Lost: Season II" start TIVO-ing over your "American Chopper" episodes while she innocuously knits tiny booties and berates you about what a jerk your friends are.
I'm getting tired just thinking about it.
Aren't you people worried about accidentally getting it slammed in the car door? And wouldn't just walking around like that give you back problems?
Just say "No!" to drugs.
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