Dr. Conrad Murray is Guilty of SOMETHING

Predator Press

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Okay, let’s face it: the Michael Jackson story isn’t just fuelled by his stardom … there’s a lot of weirdness here too.

Why did the good doc take a leave of absence from his practice, sign up for the London tour, and then just boogie –without even providing information to the paramedics or police first?

Isn’t that the point of having a personal physician on staff?

I smell a rat … and were I a responsible journalist, I would pursue this story with a ruthless zeal.

Unfortunately, I’m currently drafting a story about cat farts.

Billy Mayes Dead

Predator Press

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According to Fox News, 'OxiClean' and 'Mighty Putty' pitchman Billy Mays, 50, was found dead Sunday morning.

That’s Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays in three days. They’re all in my thoughts and prayers.

-And so are explicit directions to Nicolas Cage’s house.

I Miss the .45 Caliber Headspace

Predator Press

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A few years ago, I stumbled over The .45 Caliber Headspace -a blog that still resides proudly in my “Grand Mal” RSS feed, despite not posting in almost a year.

This was maybe the first blog that told me, “You know what? Blogs can be about writing if you let them.”

-Thank God he was wrong about all those “writers” hogging my spotlight.

Still, let’s wake that fucker up and make him post again.

... If only to be ironic.

Skeleton Jack

Predator Press

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“Look, I couldn’t help it,” explains -eh- Shiftless, my oldest son. “Practice went over forty-five minutes. You know I can’t call.”

I scowl as he fastens his seat belt. “Well that’s just great,” I says. “It’s midnight. You know mom will think I was at a strip club or a bar or something if she wakes up.”

“What should we do?” asks Shiftless.

And that’s when I tapped the transparent cylinder into my palm, and blew glitter all over him.

"I'm way ahead of you,” I reply.

Exclusive: Did Ahmadinejad Murder Michael Jackson?

Predator Press

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Following up on ABC News and CNN stories asserting online queries regarding the death of Michael Jackson nearly brought down the internet, Predator Press has uncovered what will doubtlessly be the largest international murder plot in the history of humankind.

"Michael Jackson's death caused an 'internet overload,' crashing popular sites such as Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, YouTube and Google," said a very scientific-looking guy. "When you consider that these are the primary methods of communication for Hossein Mousavi's revolutionary supporters, it's clear this was no accident."

Jackson's nose is anticipated to bring in upwards of $600,000 on eBay, and videos of Ahmadinejad militants training for the macabre mission on Mister Potato Heads probably exist.

Probably.

What the Heck Happened to Diesel?

Predator Press

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Whenever the Mighty Mighty Diesel goes on hiatus, I like to seize upon his absence as an opportunity to lecture about him extensively.

And who better to speculate wildly about his mysterious disappearance than myself?

Hm?

The truth is I don’t know precisely; Diesel is a very complex and multi-facetted individual. And after sleeping in his car at the airport for the last ten days, I’m finally forced to conclude he could be literally anywhere.

Sure maybe he’s training to come out of retirement and defend his Ultimate Fighting Championship title -or perhaps continuing on in his noble quest to save starving babies in some horrifyingly unpronounceable country.

-But what if he’s been kidnapped, and some diabolical mastermind is forcing him to write more books?

Whoever you are, please don’t hurt Diesel: he is a great and well-respected blogger and author, and I have appointed myself chief negotiator for a ransom ensuring his safe return.

And speaking of ransom, this is frankly the most inept kidnapping I've ever seen. What are you, stupid? Where are your demands? I'm impressed you’ve gotten this far; you’re obviously completely worthless even as a criminal, and probably don't have the huevos to chop off one of his fingers and mail it to anyone thusly proving you've got him alive.

I'll bet you wear a creepy black leather mask because you are hideously deformed too ... and that mask is stinky with the putrid stinky smell of your stinking cowardly stinkiness.

Whew –I could just imagine the smell in that thing.

Blech.

Predator Press New “Man of the Year” a Woman?

Predator Press

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Yes folks, it’s true. Larry Craig -the undefeated Predator Press Man of the Year for two years in a row- just might have finally been unseated.

And I’m proud to announce that the new nominee has an extra “X” chromosome! (Or a "Y" ... I dunno. I lose track. What do I look like? A chromosomologist?)

Sure Miss Hilton has let herself go a bit [woof!] since she and Nicole Richie’s "The Simple Life" garnered four consecutive nominations for the Teen Choice Award. But wouldn’t you be bummed if you were nominated four times for something you didn’t win? Teenagers, if you think about it, are far too preoccupied growing their hair weird 'an listening Def Leppard and Bruce Springsteen records to know what’s really “cool” anyway.

Who besides Miss Hilton has the courage to trash-talk a posse of rap artists, get bitch slapped, and then Tweet in tearful desperation while waiting for the ambulance and police [as seen here]?

-And before you say it, does Glenn Beck even have a video blog?

Chicken and Ducklings

Predator Press

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“But I don’t like chicken and ducklings,” insists my youngest son.

Now any responsible parent would gently remind him "It’s not 'chicken and ducklings.' It's chicken and dumplings."

-But I can already see where this is going: he has somehow spotted the chocolate chip cookies, and getting him to eat a 'regular' dinner is going to be a three hour ordeal.

Besides it’s Father’s Day. Think about it: what better gift is there than the gift of laughter -particularly at the psychological expense of your own progeny?

“There aren’t a lot of ducklings in it anyway,” I explain briefly. “Ducklings are very expensive.”

Clearly unimpressed, he digs in for the inevitable contest of wills before us.

“I want cookies.”

“You want cookies?” I guffaw. “How come you won’t eat chickens or ducklings, but will eat ground-up puppies?”

The South Will Rise Again

Predator Press

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I don’t need my remote control anymore.

I've found my favorite station.

Not only does truTV have some of my favorite Forensic Files-esque shows, but I’m now a monster fan of virtually anything by The Smoking Gun Presents (such as Worlds Dumbest [add plural noun here]” and “Most Shocking [add plural noun here]"). Still not enough high-speed car chases for you? TruTV also tops you off with a slew -nay, a bevy of police documentaries like "Cops": it’s a veritable symphony of automotive destruction and reckless blue steel boobery.

The fact is if you live in Mobile, Alabama, I’ve seen you blown up in a dragster, "tuned up" by cops, or being set on fire during a drinking game a half a dozen times already. (If not, please be patient ... I just discovered this channel a few weeks ago.)

But I’m simultaneously getting "numb" to it all as well, and often find myself preoccupied with the Mobilite [Mobillian?] future. Sure already-existing footage will doubtlessly leave them reigning supreme in the ratings for at least a few more months ... with luck, perhaps even into 2010. But the wonderful citizens of Mobile have really raised the bar when it comes to entertainment: how are they going to top all this?

This is no time for complacency. Mark my words: Mobile, at some point, is really going to have to ratchet it up if it wants to continue on as America’s media darling. Fame of this magnitude cannot be maintained without a great deal of hard work and carelessness, and I know for a fact Tuscaloosa and Birmingham are watching for any and every opportunity to snatch it all away.

The obvious solution –filming a cop on fire beating a drunken Mobilite in a dragster that explodes- is probably far too dangerous.

Still, nobody ever said celebrity was easy.

Californicalizationism

Predator Press

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I’ve got it. Damnit I’ve got it!

Ah crap.

-I lost it again.

Bomb Hawaii? Pthbbt. Big Deal.

Predator Press

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So you want to bomb Hawaii?

Oh that’s soooooo original.

-Maybe we should step back and give North Korea some breathing room so they can invent something equally diabolical like, I dunno, trees or something.

Yes I’m talking to you Kim Jong-il. I hate to trash talk an avid Predator Press reader and fan, but Kim this is for your own good: a plot to bomb Hawaii is about as novel as seeing Pamela Anderson's boobs.

What the hell are you thinking? What kind of hackneyed world domination plan is bombing Hawaii again? Are you trying to shape global policy based on I Love Lucy reruns? Here’s a better plan: crank up the pie machine really fast so Obama runs around frantically for ten minutes in an effort to keep up, culminating in hilarity as Obama is forced to stuff his face with them to keep more of them from ending up on the floor.

Kim, the fact of the matter is none of us even like the Hawaiians: they make clothes out of grass and stuff, and leeringly threaten to set it on fire with spinning torches if we don’t pay $16 for a watered-down Mai Tai. And have you heard that music? You could drink those overpriced Mai Tais all freakin’ day long, shoot heroin, blow weed, whatever, but nothing will get UB40’s ‘Red Red Wine’ out of your skull aside from a bullet. Ah -did I mention Dog the Bounty Hunter? Cripes, you might as well bomb the set of Jon and Kate Plus 8.

The Hawaiians could probably kick your ass too ... I've played Risk like a jillion times and North Korea isn't even on the board. Oh yeah Kim, I said it: the Hawaiians, sufficiently motivated, would crush you. I dare you to bomb them you weirdo. In fact I heard the Hawaiians called you a little piano-legged sissypants that couldn’t drop bombs in your own adult diapers.

And what kind of name is “Kim” anyway?

Is that French?