Predator Press
[LOBO]
LOBO: Who are you again?
Captain Sullenberger: I’m the guy that safely landed the plane in the Hudson River, saving 155 passengers.
LOBO: ‘Safely landed?’
Captain Sullenberger: Yes. It was in all the papers.
LOBO: But isn’t ‘landed in a river’ pilotspeak for crash?
Captain Sullenberger: Well-
LOBO: Well I don’t know why you are so famous. I’ll bet there are billions of hilarious pilots that haven’t crashed anything.
Captain Sullenberger: Hilarious?
LOBO: Well, anytime someone brings twelve inches of documents to an interview, I assume it'll be boring. I was being sarcastic.
Captain Sullenberger: Both engines failed due to bird strikes.
LOBO: You had two engines and
still crashed? I
crashed a van into a lake once. That only had one engine. If I woulda had two, I’ll bet I coulda pulled her out.
Captain Sullenberger: I suppose.
LOBO: And what kind of name is ‘Sullenberger.’ Is that French?
Captain Sullenberger: No.
LOBO: Are you on any reality shows like Survivor?
Captain Sullenberger: No.
LOBO: Dancing With the Stars maybe?
Captain Sullenberger: No.
LOBO: I’m having a really, really hard time making you seem interesting.
Captain Sullenberger: I’m an international speaker on airline safety.
LOBO: Well given the circumstances that’s just ironic, don’t you think?
Captain Sullenberger: I thought you said you were with Time Magazine.
LOBO: I probably did at some point. Hey what’s with the weird mustache? It makes you look suspicious.
Captain Sullenberger: I like it.
LOBO: You should lose it. Plus maybe try a combover. They got stuff you can brush in that would make you look, like, fifty years younger.
Captain Sullenberger: I fail to see-
LOBO: Like you failed to see the Hudson River?
Captain Sullenberger: You’re putting words in my mouth.
LOBO: Words like when you failed the US Airways eye exam, it was covered up? And you thought the Hudson River was a McDonalds drive thru?
Captain Sullenberger: You can’t fit an A320 in a McDonalds drive thru.
LOBO: Not with those peepers baby.
Captain Sullenberger: Stop waving your hand in front of my face. I can see perfectly.
LOBO: Then explain the mustache. It looks like you’re smuggling albino caterpillars.
Captain Sullenberger: It does not.
LOBO: Can you explain your rather lackluster career prior to the Hudson River event?
Captain Sullenberger: Excuse me?
LOBO: It says in your bio you’ve been flying since the seventies. Shouldn’t you be, like, an admiral or something by now?
Captain Sullenberger: I’m a commercial pilot.
LOBO: Do captains outrank skippers? For instance if you were on the SS Minnow, could you have bossed around Alan Hale?
Captain Sullenberger: Who?
LOBO: Ah. Admirals would probably have to study a lot of history.
Captain Sullenberger: I’ve got two masters degrees, and been a member of Mensa since I was twelve.
LOBO: [singsong] Now sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip …
Captain Sullenberger: That’s Gilligan’s Island.
LOBO: Gilligan was the biggest boob on that island. Why did they name it after him?
Captain Sullenberger: I don’t know.
LOBO: Can you make a radio out of coconuts?
Captain Sullenberger: No.
LOBO: A generator out of a stationary bicycle?
Captain Sullenberger: No.
LOBO: A car out of palm fronds?
Captain Sullenberger: No.
LOBO: Sweet Jesus help me out here! If I publish an interview this boring on
Predator Press, the readers will have me flayed!
Captain Sullenberger: I’m sorry. I’m trying.
LOBO: Ever bomb the crap out of Charlie?
Captain Sullenberger: I was eight years old during the Vietnam War.
LOBO: Japs?
Captain Sullenberger: That was even earlier. I would have been negative twelve or so.
LOBO: C’mon buddy. This is a
Predator Press interview. Can’t you just make something up?
Captain Sullenberger: Like what? I went back in time?
LOBO: Did you kill Hitler?
Captain Sullenberger: No.
LOBO: Well, the whole ‘back in time’ thing would be pretty flaccid then.
Captain Sullenberger: Can I go now?
LOBO: This is your office.
Captain Sullenberger: I don’t care.
LOBO: Are you going to McDonalds? I
love McDonalds!