BP Unveils Plan to Clean Oil Slick Using Animals

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Facing worldwide ecological condemnation and what may amount to be a billion dollar cleanup effort, British Petroleum [BP] has put forth what it hopes to be a revolutionary new technique for environmental rescue.

“In the first few days of the disaster,” explains BP Environmental Affairs Spokesman Destry Dentin, “we made some observations regarding the wildlife that we believe can be used to reduce the costs and increase the efficacy of our cleanup efforts.”

“Every time we would clean one of these critters, what do they do? They just dive right back into the muck,” he elaborates. “Animals are dumb like that. They love filth. Thus, they are a natural magnet for toxic chemicals.”

A typical animal takes an hour to clean.

“The process needs to be accelerated,” he suggests. “An hour apiece is simply untenable from both a ecological and corporate standpoint. We tried grinding the animals up and distilling the fuel out, but then got complaints from a bunch of bitchy liberals. Then they wouldn‘t let us squeeze the oil off either. And the whole ‘wringing them out’ thing was impossible to hide -Jesus you shoulda heard all that screeching. It was pretty horrible.”

"Now, we’re affixing all previously-rescued animals with steel information tags" says Dentin. “This way we can sort of 'reel them back' through the stuff in staggered, manageable waves by use of giant magnets. Then, we economically remove all the oil from them -virtually instantaneously, I might add- while simultaneously launching them right back into the filthy ‘Nature’ they like to live in. It‘s very humane, and at the same time efficient.”

With this fresh new eco-friendly recycling approach, once the feathers and/or fur are filtered out each processed animal yields about a quart of sweet, sweet crude per rotation. "And this can be improved upon exponentially," continues Dentin, "by use of larger, more porous animals. A bear, for instance, could bring in several gallons at a time."

When confronted with the fact that bears are not indigenous to the Atlantic Ocean, Dentin balked.

"That's what helicopters are for."