Predator Press Movie-Middle Reviews: Braveheart

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Braveheart, starring Mel Gibson, is apparently the story of a bunch of people that liked to fight a lot more than they liked to bathe.

The afore-mentioned hygiene problem suggests to me that the story takes place way, way in the past. Probably the late 80’s … the whole grunge look is “in,” there's a sprinkling of goth, and you still have a generous helping of mullets.

Mel Gibson is like really, really pissed about something I probably missed when I was in the bathroom, and is just killing people left and right. Did someone steal his pants? Mel Gibson is totally out of control. Jesus, where are the cops when you need them? Some of the places Mel killed people at should be isolated as crime scenes and dusted for fingerprints! I mean holy crap, he’s not even wearing pants; he’s probably leaving DNA everywhere he sits!

Damn. Telephone.

Anyway, blah blah nah nah. Mel Gibson’s arch-enemy -Merlin, I think- has a great big-assed beard. Holy crap that’s a big-assed beard; Merlin better be careful around open flames. Under enormous pressure to get some pants on the freeballin’ serial killer Mel Gibson, Merlin is often mad at people too -probably because he doesn’t have an X-Box and is forced to push little war toys around on a big war map. I’m not clear on if the map surrendered because then stuff started blowing up.

Conveniently, all Mel Gibson's freinds don’t wear pants either, and have gathered together on this big island -probably Hawaii- so’s Merlin's British guys can kill them with maximum efficiency. In historical context, this inadvertently causes America to declare war on Britain and drags us into World War II. Was Merlin elected by the Japanese when he bombed Pearl Harbor? Or did Merlin create the Godless Yellow Hoard with the explicit intent of pulling the Aloha Spirit out of Franklin D. Roosevelt’s keyster? Hm? Hell I don’t know man … shit that was a long time ago. We may never know for sure. The fact that the first half of this movie is total 'Chick Flick' didn't help, and I found myself fast-forwarding a lot.

I don’t even know how the movie ends; a commercial for Sham Wow came on, and after some brief channel-surfing I found Family Feud. Where is the fat guy with the weird teeth? The #1 answer was toothpaste. Holy crap that dumbass lost the whole game for his family, and made them look like assholes on national television. I wouldn‘t want to be at that house for Thanksgiving dinner!

By the time I got through the Hee Haw marathon, I had all but lost interest in how Braveheart ended ... but I sure hope they caught Mel Gibson! My guess is that the movie would go on to show Merlin bombing Pearl Harbor until John Wayne and Jesus killed him and kicked all the Japanese out of America. To this day, the Japanese remain banished to the other, crappier side of the world ... which is fine with me really; Hee Haw translated into Japanese is just plain weird.

As far as the Predator Press Movie-Middle Review, we give Braveheart, like, sixty-six thumbs up. The exploding stuff, fight scenes, gratuitous violence, and historical accuracy had it on the cusp of a beefy two hundred and sixteen thumbs up, but the middle of Braveheart suffered from the glaring absence of nudity, robots, and football. It was also dinged grammatically for the improper contraction of the words "Brave" and "Heart." Further, it wasn't in 3-D, Sigourney Weaver wasn't in it, and it wasn't Avatar -an automatic eleven-thumb penalty.

Still, a solid sixty-six thumbs up is nothing to scoff at.

-I, for one, can't wait for the middle of the sequel.