BLORE

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I'm looking for a word I can't find.

So's I call Merriam Webster.

"Merriam," I says. "I need a word for blogging whore."

"I don't think there is one LOBO," says Merriam.

"Well that's pretty shoddy work on your part," I says. "You people need to get with us here in the Twentieth Centurion. We got computers nowadays, and people are whoring their blogs on them."

"I suppose you're right," concedes Merriam. "Any ideas?"

"Well, I'm kinda partial to blore."

"Huh. I like it. It's a noun and a verb."

"Can it have a picture of me in the definition?"

"Do you think you qualify?"

"Do I ever! Humor Bloggers, Alltop, Entrecard ... you name it, I'm bloring on it."

"You're on Humor-Blogs too, right?"

"Oh man it should be illegal how much bloring I do on Humor-Blogs. 'Cept Diesel keeps busting it. He calls it 'upgrading'."

"Should I send him a copy of my book?"

"Nah. Between conquering the internet, writing, his job, building a house, kids, wife, et cetera he'd never read it. He's one of those, ah ... Hey, what's a word for 'somebody that's always doin stuff'?"

"Busy?"

"Yeah. He's like really, really busy. Which is probably why he made the site faster."

"I thought you said he busted it."

"I said upgraded. Jeez Merriam ... those two words don't mean anything like each other. I thought you wrote them big thick books with all the alphabetized words and definitions."

"You mean Dictionaries?"

"I dunno. I have a dresser with a broken leg and the corner it props up covers the title almost entirely. You're probably right. It ends with a 'Y', but I don't think there's a book that indexes words by their last letter yet. Hey ... isn't that discrimination against people with dyslexia?"

"Before we get too far off-track, is there anything else you can tell me about blores such as yourself?" asks Merriam. "I'm taking notes here so don't go too fast."

"Well," I says, thinking. "We don't take criticism very well."

"Really."

"Yeah. Like about my last post, this dude damonkappas said 'That's too much to read. Your post wanders all over the highway like a 76 ford pickup with a broken axle. Focus man, focus!'"

"How did that make you feel?"

"I don't know really. I found a quarter after that. And then while watching television I got hungry so I drove to Wal-Mart and bought some pants."

"You got hungry so you bought pants at Wal-Mart?"

"Well I needed something with pockets to put the quarter in."

"How is your election coming along?"

"Eh, I dunno." I shrug. "I don't really follow politics. I figure John Nobody will let me know one way or another."

"What will you do if you two win?"

"You mean besides have the Secret Service wax damonkappas?"

"Yes."

"And rubbing it good and merciless in Don Lewis' face until the end of time?"

"Yes."

"Never thought about it."

"Really?"

"Well the President isn't the guy that puts up a stop sign so's playing kids don't get hit by cars. Or get your street's potholes fixed. Or opens an art museum in your neighborhood. All the real important stuff in people's day-to-day lives is handled at a far more local level; I'll bet you a dollar 4/5ths of the people voting on Election Day couldn't name three people on their own City Council."

"Maybe you should change all that," says Merriam.

"You mean become, like, The Pothole Party?"

"Eh ... "

"Waaay too much work. Plus pot is illegal ... all I would get is a very smooth drive to the state pen and maybe a case of "the munchies." No, at this level people don't want anything effectual at all. Effects tend to have consequences. John and I have far too much at stake to risk having any consequences whatsoever."

"Why bother then?" asks Merriam.

"Because the risk of Don Lewis winning is far too horrifying. Rather than talking to the people in meaningless and endless reassuring circles, Don Lewis would doubtlessly see some important issue and impudently do something about it. Then, BOOM! Consequences. John Nobody and I are twice as ineffectual as Don Lewis. There will be no consequences while we are in Office."

"I see."

"So does my new word go in the dictionary?"

"Based on your logic, wouldn't having an effect on the American lexicon jeopardize your election?"

"Damn, you're right!" I pause for a second. "What if we said it was Don Lewis' idea?"