
“We don’t need Full Coverage,” I insist.
“Yes we do,” replies Terri, speaking more to the agent than to me.
“It costs twice as much!”
“Full Coverage,” Terri assures the agent.
“Don’t listen to her,” I says. “She orders avocado and spinach dip at restaurants. The nachos throw themselves off of the table attempting suicide.”
Terri turns to me. “Do you remember when you wrecked your last car? If you had Full Coverage, they would have cut us a check for the full value. We could have bought a new one.”
I turn to the agent. “Really?”
“Yes,” nods the agent.
“So you’re saying if I crash the car again, I’m covered.”
“Yes.”

“Covered.”
“Let’s say I’m driving down by Lake Michigan, and a 450 pound shark jumps out and-“
“You’re covered,” she says.
“-I’m not done,” I says. “A 450 fifty pound shark jumps out. Smashes my car. And smashes a nearby bulletproof Secret Service limousine full of foreign dignitaries.”

“-But the dignitaries,” I continue, “aren’t alone in the limo: it turns out to be full of cocaine and underage hookers. And dynamite. Yeah. But when Dan Rather shows up to cover the story, Walter Cronkite calls him a 'punk-ass-bitch' and punches Dan right in the face for trying to steal his story. Tempers flare, pandemonium ensues, and after a raging gun battle Chicago is ultimately burned to rubble, occupied only by a handful of radioactive mutant survivors.”
She examines the forms closely. “Does the dynamite go off?”

“You’re covered.”
“Baby,” I says to Terri. “I think we should go with the full coverage.”
“Good idea honey,” says Terri.
The agent puts on her glasses. “Do you want roadside coverage?”
“Have you seen these roads?”
Terri interjects. “She means the insurance for tow truck service, flat tires, …”

“Easy baby,” says Terri. “We haven’t signed yet.”
Disappointed, I sit. “Well those tires aren’t getting any less bald.”
Endless signatures later, the agent was sliding a card to each of us.

“It’s your Bond Card. If you get a ticket, this prevents the police from confiscating your license.”
“Yeah,” I says smiling at Terri. “Let’s go. I can’t wait to drive by some cops and flash this baby. 'Fuck you, pigs! Hahahahah! Lookie here ... !'"
10 comments:
This actually happened today. I couldn't stop laughing.
He's not kidding either; it took me forever to convince him to agree to full coverage!!!
Everybody there was totally in stitches ... the guy behind us must've waited twenty minutes through all that, and he was crying ... honestly I don't think they wanted us to leave!
You're on a roll, my friend. First, that post about your latest "enterprise," which by the way, I think, is brilliant and I don't understand why Lady Terri is so upset. ;) And second, this post: which I totally can see you saying. I bow to your humorousity -- seriously. Thank you.
And if the dynamite didnt go off. Thats where the get you, you know, its always the dynamite.
omgggg--wonderful writing--will be laughing all day. My day is always brighter when I find blogs like this!!!
Great work LOBO!
ehhh ... I like to fly by the seat o me pants!!
(I am, however, very interested in the Bond Card)
flying pants back to Hollydale
>>>>>>>>>>>>> heeeeahhh >>>>>>> :)
Kind of on the same subject. When we bought our house IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIVER I complained about the fact that we had to pay more for flood insurance than home owners insurance. I complained. Everyday.
Now? They will complain they ever insured me because they have to come get the river out of my house. I hope they bring lots of buckets!
Also, I think you should make a new Predator Press badge with just a floating LOBO and his foil hat head.
LOBO - THIS is a hilarious post! Very well written and I laughed out loud! Smiley's for everyone!!! (Well, not everyone. Just you, really.)
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