Predator Press
[LOBO]
To the grrl who emailed:
May I have a photo of "Little" LOBO? I would really like to make his acquaintance, even if only through a photograph. Is that possible? Pa-leeeeeeeeeze?"
Photograph THE GENERAL!?! My god I need Top Secret Clearance just to wash the bastard!
However, in strict adherence to the Geneva Convention, I might be willing to swap captured spies.
... Just doin' my humble part in pursuit of World Piece ...
Wednesday
Thursday
Thanx a Lot, Jerkoff!
Predator Press
[LOBO]
If I hear one more fat, rich celebrity talk about how "the secret to happiness is to get paid for doing what you love", I'm going completely bats. For every last one of those arrogant pricks, I pray a violently-removed rusty and jagged catheter is in their not-too-distant future. And no-talent drop-out 'lil spoiled rich kids like Rush Limbaugh should have theirs heavily salted prior to the process.
Adulthood has been unnecessarily harsh on me because of these deceitful egomaniacs. How many careers consist of sleeping twenty hours a day, and then banging Hawaiian Tropic Girls during the brief debacle of slothful, indolent consciousness?? Hm? With all these years of practice and training [on the sleep part], I have been ready for world-class Olympic competition at any given moment since 1984.
I am starting to suspect it will all be in vain.
... and I blame those jerks.
Look, maybe it's true that too many of my critical brain cells were promoted to respiration at that Phish concert ... but is anyone out there actually daydreaming about changing bedpans or being Janet Reno's gynecologist?
Would someone please tell these pompous asses to enjoy their good fortunes and shut the fuck up with your self-serving fairy tale bullshit?
PLEASE?
[LOBO]
If I hear one more fat, rich celebrity talk about how "the secret to happiness is to get paid for doing what you love", I'm going completely bats. For every last one of those arrogant pricks, I pray a violently-removed rusty and jagged catheter is in their not-too-distant future. And no-talent drop-out 'lil spoiled rich kids like Rush Limbaugh should have theirs heavily salted prior to the process.
Adulthood has been unnecessarily harsh on me because of these deceitful egomaniacs. How many careers consist of sleeping twenty hours a day, and then banging Hawaiian Tropic Girls during the brief debacle of slothful, indolent consciousness?? Hm? With all these years of practice and training [on the sleep part], I have been ready for world-class Olympic competition at any given moment since 1984.
I am starting to suspect it will all be in vain.
... and I blame those jerks.
Look, maybe it's true that too many of my critical brain cells were promoted to respiration at that Phish concert ... but is anyone out there actually daydreaming about changing bedpans or being Janet Reno's gynecologist?
Would someone please tell these pompous asses to enjoy their good fortunes and shut the fuck up with your self-serving fairy tale bullshit?
PLEASE?
Sunday
Erectile Disfunction
Predator Press
[LOBO]
I keep hearing commercials on Erectile Disfunction warning that you go to a doctor if your erection lasts for more than four hours.
Don't you people know that friction causes heat? Those of you that know me know that I'm still getting therapy for witnessing a serious bout of "Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots" as a child ... after a four hour erection I imagine some unlucky lady (with REALLY messy hair) and I having to go straight to a fire extinguisher. I'm just not up to that kind of trauma.
How would you get that smell of burning flesh and hair out of your trailer? The sparks alone would threaten to actually ignite the oxygen and helium in the atmosphere! Plus you'll have to re-upright all the furniture, stack all the Tupperware back on top of your refrigerator and re-attach all those teeny-tiny magnets. Then you gotta adjust the crooked neon "Miller High Life" thingy on the wall, and get all the sticky candy back into the decorative Dale Earnhardt hubcap displayed proudly on your coffee table.
And even as you get all the Led Zepplin and Barry White CD's organized, "Desperate Housewives", "American Idol", and "Lost: Season II" start TIVO-ing over your "American Chopper" episodes while she innocuously knits tiny booties and berates you about what a jerk your friends are.
I'm getting tired just thinking about it.
Aren't you people worried about accidentally getting it slammed in the car door? And wouldn't just walking around like that give you back problems?
Just say "No!" to drugs.
[LOBO]
I keep hearing commercials on Erectile Disfunction warning that you go to a doctor if your erection lasts for more than four hours.
Don't you people know that friction causes heat? Those of you that know me know that I'm still getting therapy for witnessing a serious bout of "Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots" as a child ... after a four hour erection I imagine some unlucky lady (with REALLY messy hair) and I having to go straight to a fire extinguisher. I'm just not up to that kind of trauma.
How would you get that smell of burning flesh and hair out of your trailer? The sparks alone would threaten to actually ignite the oxygen and helium in the atmosphere! Plus you'll have to re-upright all the furniture, stack all the Tupperware back on top of your refrigerator and re-attach all those teeny-tiny magnets. Then you gotta adjust the crooked neon "Miller High Life" thingy on the wall, and get all the sticky candy back into the decorative Dale Earnhardt hubcap displayed proudly on your coffee table.
And even as you get all the Led Zepplin and Barry White CD's organized, "Desperate Housewives", "American Idol", and "Lost: Season II" start TIVO-ing over your "American Chopper" episodes while she innocuously knits tiny booties and berates you about what a jerk your friends are.
I'm getting tired just thinking about it.
Aren't you people worried about accidentally getting it slammed in the car door? And wouldn't just walking around like that give you back problems?
Just say "No!" to drugs.
Saturday
The Religious Right are a Bunch of Deadbeats
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Karl Marx claimed that "religion is the opiate of the masses".
I've been to plenty of religious masses, and have never once been offered a single opiate.
... #!%$#@ lousy pagans ...
[LOBO]
Karl Marx claimed that "religion is the opiate of the masses".
I've been to plenty of religious masses, and have never once been offered a single opiate.
... #!%$#@ lousy pagans ...
Friday
The GOD of BLOG
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Cripes! Are you people still reading this garbage?
I have stuff to do dammit!
Even as we speak, my attention is divided between cracking the Human Genome, curing Cancer, alphabetizing and cataloging my internet porn, and achieving safe and practical Cold Fusion.
If you want to read a good blog, and I mean a truly genius damned good blog, check this out:
Fafblog!
[LOBO]
Cripes! Are you people still reading this garbage?
I have stuff to do dammit!
Even as we speak, my attention is divided between cracking the Human Genome, curing Cancer, alphabetizing and cataloging my internet porn, and achieving safe and practical Cold Fusion.
If you want to read a good blog, and I mean a truly genius damned good blog, check this out:
To the Guy Who Posted ...
Predator Press
[LOBO]
To P.J. Stuedabaker III, who posted:
“Impeach the president and fire Karl Rove! In fact Bush and Rove probably had something to do with the development of hurricane Katrina. I call for a congressional investigation into this question."
… Do you really think those boobs are competent enough to organize a hurricane?
[LOBO]
To P.J. Stuedabaker III, who posted:
“Impeach the president and fire Karl Rove! In fact Bush and Rove probably had something to do with the development of hurricane Katrina. I call for a congressional investigation into this question."
… Do you really think those boobs are competent enough to organize a hurricane?
!!!
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Please stop emailing me asking if I've found 'Our Savior, Lord Jesus Christ'.
I didn't even know the guy was missing, okay? I had absolutely nothing to do with it.
What makes you think if I were to kidnap somebody, it would be some long-haired bearded guy and not Angelina Jolie, Heather Graham, or at least a handful of The Laker Girls?
Why can't you lazy people put him on milk cartons and stuff just like anyone else, rather than bothering me about it constantly? Is this Blog titled "Long-Haired Hippie-Type Missing Persons Bureau"? No!!! You people need some kind of better way to spend your time, and maybe some organization and good leadership ... have you ever considered turning to religion or something?
... And have you looked in Las Vegas? If I hadda deal with some of you screwballs, I'd be laying low in someplace like Las Vegas ...
[LOBO]
Please stop emailing me asking if I've found 'Our Savior, Lord Jesus Christ'.
I didn't even know the guy was missing, okay? I had absolutely nothing to do with it.
What makes you think if I were to kidnap somebody, it would be some long-haired bearded guy and not Angelina Jolie, Heather Graham, or at least a handful of The Laker Girls?
Why can't you lazy people put him on milk cartons and stuff just like anyone else, rather than bothering me about it constantly? Is this Blog titled "Long-Haired Hippie-Type Missing Persons Bureau"? No!!! You people need some kind of better way to spend your time, and maybe some organization and good leadership ... have you ever considered turning to religion or something?
... And have you looked in Las Vegas? If I hadda deal with some of you screwballs, I'd be laying low in someplace like Las Vegas ...
The Awful Truth
Predator Press
[LOBO]
Well, I guess at this point I gotta do one of those rare "Personal Revelations".
Truth be told, I was born and raised Catholic. But soon it came out that I was a rich, white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant straight male; everyone else hated me already so there was just no point in pig- piling on further.
I spent time in Catholic school developing my God-given literary gifts, writing Haikus like:
"I once stabbed a kid
in algebra class.
He tried to add two radicals
that didn't share the same index.
What an asshole."
Turns out those fucking algebra pussies thought I was better suited for Geometry. But while the Geometry kid next to me prayed for World Peace, I prayed Angelina Jolie would break into Homeroom and try to assassinate me via busted pelvis.
World Peace. Hah! How boring. That kid's going to Hell.
... As for all you f**ks predicting "The End of the World" because of Iraq, New Orleans, and the return of Cathy Lee Gifford, I've got a little rule you might want to pay attention to:
NEVER PREDICT THE END OF THE WORLD
... If you're wrong, you look like a moron. And if you're right, who gives a shit? It's the end of the goddamn world, you asshole!
[LOBO]
Well, I guess at this point I gotta do one of those rare "Personal Revelations".
Truth be told, I was born and raised Catholic. But soon it came out that I was a rich, white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant straight male; everyone else hated me already so there was just no point in pig- piling on further.
I spent time in Catholic school developing my God-given literary gifts, writing Haikus like:
"I once stabbed a kid
in algebra class.
He tried to add two radicals
that didn't share the same index.
What an asshole."
Turns out those fucking algebra pussies thought I was better suited for Geometry. But while the Geometry kid next to me prayed for World Peace, I prayed Angelina Jolie would break into Homeroom and try to assassinate me via busted pelvis.
World Peace. Hah! How boring. That kid's going to Hell.
... As for all you f**ks predicting "The End of the World" because of Iraq, New Orleans, and the return of Cathy Lee Gifford, I've got a little rule you might want to pay attention to:
... If you're wrong, you look like a moron. And if you're right, who gives a shit? It's the end of the goddamn world, you asshole!
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