depthcharge

Predator Press

[LOBO]

“You’re mine now,” says Babs. “Simple as that. I posted bail, and you’ve posted 'The Sh*rt' 85,211 times at $35,000 a pop."

“Yeah,” I says. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have showed me how to ‘cut and paste’ it.”

“Maybe,” she says. “But it doesn’t matter. You own the controlling interest in Hawly Enterprises, and since you’re mine, Hawly Enterprises is mine.”

“Look,” I says. “Take Ethan--“

“No,” says Babs. “Ethan is too smart to fall for me just trying to have sex with him until he dies of cardiac arrest.”

“Really?”

“—And that just leaves you.”

“Look Babs,” I says, rubbing the ink from my fingertips. “If this is just an elaborate plan to get into my pants--“

“No baby,” Babs smirks, rolling her eyes. “I’m into you for your mind.”

“You’re having wet, hot screamy sex with my mind!?”

Babs pauses, perplexed. “Well, I--,” she chokes.

“Whore!"

SHART ATTACK

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Evidently, running around in a sexy tight suit and a mask is frowned upon by society in general.

In fact, some states make you register; according to my lawyer, I would’ve gone to the “Big House” for sure were it not for Babs.

Now, I’m not stupid. I know that “Big Houses” are drafty, haunted, and have really big fucking lawns ... and it’s no secret how much I would despise landscaping for the Undead … hell, the pays lousy, and they bitch no matter where you dig.

On a less professional note, Ethan just informed me that every time I post the words "The Shart" from here on out, the FCC is making me donate $35,000 to charity.

He would’ve told me sooner, but he needed only 70-Large more to cure leukemia.

Super Setbacks

Predator Press

[The Shart]

Typically as the city sleeps, The Shart's youthful grad-student sidekick Matt McCord dutifully scours The Shart's email in search of leads.

But tonight, Matt played World of Warcaft for nine hours, and "Enlarge Your Penis" SPAM beguiled him into downloading crippling viruses via porn while sleeping with a slice of Dominoes Pizza on his lap.

This effectively shut down The Shart's Central Network of Intelligence Agencies for almost six months.

... and I bet the Dominoes guy never shows again.

With Great Power Comes Hot Chicks

Predator Press

[The Shart]

Like any other Superhero, The Shart is ever-tormented by tragic internal struggle.

But The Shart is new at this "Superhero" gig. As soon as The Shart thinks of a cool one, The Shart will let you know.

For now, The Shart is busy seeking out the Pianosian Syndicate: a worldwide wretched and lethal bunch of organized cutthroat thugs that’ll poke your eye out sooner’n look at you.

The Shart didn't find them under The Shart's bed.

… In a few hours, The Shart will probably check the rest of the bedroom ...

"THE SHART" BITES

Predator Press

Unaware that he is about to be apprehended and beaten severely, notorious "Shovelman" attempts to steal snow from the State Capitol of beloved Pianosa
--all to fuel Mister Cold Miser's sinister groundhog-killing "Doomsday Device"

Beware Miscreants!

Predator Press

[The Shart]

As metropolitan Pianosa slumbers peacefully, I prowl the shadows in a sexy, tight-fitting rubber suit, seeking out evil and injustice that must be smoten.

Wherever there’s a hot chick in danger of some creepy guy stalking her in the night, I’ll be there.

Swift, lethal and tenacious --like the shark-- I'm always one step ahead of the authorities because I’m smart.

I am The Shart.

Secret War

Predator Press

[LOBO]

In the subseqent Lobonian trial, it was found that Frank was completely innocent, and that he killed Doctor Dentin Whatsit in self-defense.

The victim was British, after all.

But as they hauled him away to Guantanamo Bay, Frank somehow let it slip that I possess weapons of mass destruction.

I swear to God after I built them, my mom said "You'll poke your eye out!", and I haven't thought about them since.

It's really my mom's fault if you think about it ...