Maturity

Predator Press

[LOBO]

What do I want to do when I grow up?

Well, I'd like to be fabulously wealthy and famous, get invited to the Playboy Mansion where I catch an unpronounceable STD and die in obscurity.

Either that or be an astronaut.

N.R.A. people are DUMB

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Who needs a gun? Egadz this "Tazer" thing is a BLAST ... a guy broke into my house today and zzzzt!!! ... zzzt ..... ZZZZZZT!!!!!

Hell, I even recharged the battery so I could "Zzzt" him for a few more hours.

I would stop, but the instructions for this little electric gem claim EXPLICITLY that "the device will incapacitate virtually any assailant" ...

... this son-of-a-bitch keeps twitching ... !

"DASH CUNNING IS NOT AMUSED ..."

Predator Press

[DASH]

DASH CUNNING IS NOT AMUSED BY YOUR DEGENERATE MUSINGS AND FOUL LANGUAGE.

IN FACT, DASH IS NOT AMUSED BY THE MONKEY BARS AND SWING SETS HE WAS PLAYING ON THE FIRST TIME HE HEARD THOSE TYPES OF HEAD-ACHING RAMBLINGS.

AND WHILE DASH IS STILL AMUSED BY THE HORSIES AND SLIDES AND MAYBE THE WOODEN WHEEL THING WITH THE HANDLES THAT SPINS REALLY FAST --BECAUSE IT MAKES DASH FEEL SOMEHOW STRANGELY EXHILARATED, FEARFUL AND NAUSEUS AT THE SAME TIME-- HE'S STILL NOT AMUSED BY MONKEY BARS, SWING SETS, OR HEAD-ACHING RAMBLINGS.

MAYBE THAT IS WHY DASH IS IN CHARGE OF ZANE DISTRIBUTION CENTER AND THIS BLOG IS FULL OF COMPLAINING PEOPLE THAT ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF ZANE DISTRIBUTION CENTER.

IF YOU FOCUSSED ALL THAT COMPLAINING ENERGY ON DOING SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT WITH YOUR LIVES, MAYBE YOU WOULD BE SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT.

"What the Hell ... ?"

Predator Press

[By LOBO]

What the hell is "YELLOW 5"?

I found it listed amongst 50 other completely unpronounceable and dubious ingredients in Mountain Dew.

Fine.

... But I just found YELLOW 5 as an ingredient in my "Liquid Dial", And Liquid Dial doesn't taste nearly as good.

I find this rather distressing.

Also:

I just heard about a curious lawsuit. It seems the UNCF has concerns over the number of suspensions issued for African American students in comparison to white students. But the story also points out that Asian-American suspensions are like under 1% of the total!

Well, if that's true, then is this isn't a white versus black conspiracy: it's an Asian vesus everybody else conspiracy, right?

I tried to expose this scandal by using stupid "facts" and stuff by doing tedious "research".

Having studied the suspension rates of Asian students actually in Asia for an hour or so, I'm probably now the leading authority on it in the U.S. (Is Bush hiring consultants?) so take my word for it, I found out something rather startling.

Asian college suspensions are actually 91.6% Asian!

[... I have a headache ... ]

"To The Guy Who ..."

Predator Press

[By LOBO]

To the guy who posted the comment:

"What are you some kind of pansy communist. Use your toes if you have too you worthless piece of cow dung. You make me sick, you namby pamby little son of a bitches. I can't shoot because a zombie ate both my arms, then stick your stump in his eye, quite sitting there you little panty waste. The best part of you probably ran down your momma's ass. You make me sick. # posted by Anonymous : 5:46 AM"

... I was just wondering if you wanted a job.

... God, you would fit right in here ...

"Dear Ethan and LOBO, ..."

Predator Press

["Letter to the Editor" posted by Ethan]

Thank you for you your kind words and support.

Now, finger slashed, I am but a mere shell of a man, completely incapable of playing either X- Box or Playstation II.

I can’t shoot at anyone, videogame or otherwise!!! I just stand there helplessly in Diablo II, vainly trying to hammer out peace accords with the zombies. And everybody knows those zombies are Goddamn deadbeats!

Please fundraise or something because I definitely need to shoot somebody soon, and the current technology doesn't allow me to do it in virtual reality.

Glenn Hoek,

New Jersey

Evaluating your Boss

Predator Press

[By LOBO]

Heart's out to the poor bleeding guy getting smothered in beauracracy! My boss is a real piece of work too. He can go on for forty-five minutes about this corporate equasion he doesn't even understand.

I could explain it to him ... it's pretty simple: Once a week he pounds his statistics into a sophisticated corporate computer which calculates his labor costs versus productivity. And once a week, no matter what he reports, he gets a prompt readout saying "Wow, you almost made it this week ... !"

And he thinks I'm a moron.

Needless to say, when the annual and anonymous "Manager Evaluations" come around, I like to have a little fun as payback for getting kicked around all year.

This year's read like this:

"To: Zane Distribution Center

Re: Professional Evaluation of Dashel C. Cunning III, Outbound Operations Manager

'Meester Cunnings ees very kind man. He let us off truck and only work us for ate or 9 hours until he bring us cup water in cleant pee cup. And he let us sleep every few days.

He whip us very seldom. My back almost healed already! But I think he give my sisters very bad disease. They cannot urinate without burning sensation.

Please forwar my $31 check to my family as Meester Cunning not let us out of trailer when not working. An tell them to pray for me. A lot. I broke 3 finger so far and one has catching infection and making me hallucinate, but Meester Cunning say no penecillin in country right now, but much plenty Fanta Cola from doctor to pour on meantime.'"

Sincerely, Flandsa Ha’asasanba.


Handwrite it with your off-hand, so it looks really sloppy and illegible. Even if the corporates can read six words of it, your manager or supervisor will be in meetings for weeks.

... You know, out of the way ...