Cat Farts: “SBD,” or Just Plain “D?”

Predator Press

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I’m a little behind in responding to comments, but I have to say I’m a little stunned at what I’m reading.

There happens to be some demand for my “Cat Fart” story mentioned in the post Dr. Conrad Murray is Guilty of SOMETHING.

-This is further compounded by the startling concept of actually having to answer for something on Predator Press: never in a million years -after posting about topics like Planet Earth precariously dancing on the strings of a Robot Dinosaur Overlord- would I have ever guessed I’d be called to the carpet over “cat farts.”

Seriously. Do you guys hate Michael Jackson that much?

Hm.

Well, in any case I’m caught in a total lie. At the time I was joking: I didn’t really have a cat fart post brewing. And if you think about it, you're an asshole to bring it up. Still, while blaming you for this, I forgive you simultaneously.

There. I feel better.

Don't you?

Okay, also I'm sorry - I wanted you all to think this blog was like, cerebral, you know? Do you millions and millions of readers know how much decent cat fart recording equipment costs? And –more importantly- who do I know that will put crap like that on their credit card?

Silently, I handed my buddy Jim Tarkenton (VISA #5426-9425-2775-5555, security code 951) these encrypted instructions while pushing him violently into the Best Buy:

FELINE+(S)B/D = HAPPY READERS

***
To facilitate this groundbreaking research, we subsequently scoured the countryside.

-and what happened next was too horrible to describe in words.

Predator Press Exclusive! Shocking and Totally Legal Michael Jackson Will Found

Predator Press

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Dr. Conrad Murray is Guilty of SOMETHING

Predator Press

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Okay, let’s face it: the Michael Jackson story isn’t just fuelled by his stardom … there’s a lot of weirdness here too.

Why did the good doc take a leave of absence from his practice, sign up for the London tour, and then just boogie –without even providing information to the paramedics or police first?

Isn’t that the point of having a personal physician on staff?

I smell a rat … and were I a responsible journalist, I would pursue this story with a ruthless zeal.

Unfortunately, I’m currently drafting a story about cat farts.

Billy Mayes Dead

Predator Press

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According to Fox News, 'OxiClean' and 'Mighty Putty' pitchman Billy Mays, 50, was found dead Sunday morning.

That’s Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays in three days. They’re all in my thoughts and prayers.

-And so are explicit directions to Nicolas Cage’s house.

I Miss the .45 Caliber Headspace

Predator Press

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A few years ago, I stumbled over The .45 Caliber Headspace -a blog that still resides proudly in my “Grand Mal” RSS feed, despite not posting in almost a year.

This was maybe the first blog that told me, “You know what? Blogs can be about writing if you let them.”

-Thank God he was wrong about all those “writers” hogging my spotlight.

Still, let’s wake that fucker up and make him post again.

... If only to be ironic.

Skeleton Jack

Predator Press

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“Look, I couldn’t help it,” explains -eh- Shiftless, my oldest son. “Practice went over forty-five minutes. You know I can’t call.”

I scowl as he fastens his seat belt. “Well that’s just great,” I says. “It’s midnight. You know mom will think I was at a strip club or a bar or something if she wakes up.”

“What should we do?” asks Shiftless.

And that’s when I tapped the transparent cylinder into my palm, and blew glitter all over him.

"I'm way ahead of you,” I reply.

Exclusive: Did Ahmadinejad Murder Michael Jackson?

Predator Press

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Following up on ABC News and CNN stories asserting online queries regarding the death of Michael Jackson nearly brought down the internet, Predator Press has uncovered what will doubtlessly be the largest international murder plot in the history of humankind.

"Michael Jackson's death caused an 'internet overload,' crashing popular sites such as Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, YouTube and Google," said a very scientific-looking guy. "When you consider that these are the primary methods of communication for Hossein Mousavi's revolutionary supporters, it's clear this was no accident."

Jackson's nose is anticipated to bring in upwards of $600,000 on eBay, and videos of Ahmadinejad militants training for the macabre mission on Mister Potato Heads probably exist.

Probably.