It's About Time

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Brace yourselves ... for what I am about to reveal to you might just be such a profound shock to your unprepared noggin, it might twist your frail psyche into a pretzel. And not a warm, soft and chewy pretzel ... I mean a mind-shattered, neurosis-addled, learning impaired, curled-up-in-an-embryonic-position-in-the-corner-of-the-room stale kind of pretzel!

Look at the date on this post. It clearly says "Wednesday, March 26, 2008", doesn't it?

Now look at your calendar.

Hm?

Ha! Bask in the splendor, ye nonbelievers! Albert Einstein and, eh, lots of other noted physicists all said it couldn't be done. But by the simple act of putting a picture of the inside of my pocket in my pocket, I have shattered the Space-Time continuum.

Indeed, it's all very scientific; you have to do long division, and there's lots of fractions an stuff. Nonetheless, I, LOBO, am speaking to you from THE FUTURE.

... In your face, you mathematical quacks!

Further, I hold in my hand a lottery ticket. But this isn't just any lottery ticket; it's a lottery ticket from THE FUTURE. And as soon as all you jerks catch up with me and we all get to Thursday, I'm gonna be a very wealthy man.

And what will I do with my kajillion dollars? Well, I certainly ain't going to take any blog crap; I'm going to hire pricey ruthless mercenary thugs like Mike Tyson, Bill Gates 'an Martha Stewart to go stomp the daylights out of all those other blogs. Then, as Predator Press stands alone over the wasteland of ashes and smoldering rubble, I'll hire some more guys to burn down the wasteland of ashes and rubble. Streaming tears of joy, I'll dance and squish my toes in what remains of this impudent "Blogosphere"... Then I alone shall reign supreme as technocratic god-king, merciless tyrannical ruler of all I survey!

I won't stop there either. I'll throw a barbeque, and conduct a mass execution of people who leave big chunks of onion in their potato salad ... we'll line 'em up right next to guys who wear eye-watering quantities of Axe Body Spray -dammit, it's high time we took a stand in the name of having a personality. And don't even get me started on the writers of ABC's TV show "LOST" ... can't they please just finally fix the 'collate' feature on the copy machine they issue scripts from? No? Well I'll fix those goddamn pothole plotlines good.

I must admit I don't completely understand how buying a lottery ticket when you time travel to THE FUTURE increases your odds of winning. I mean, don't all those other people buying lottery tickets on Wednesday have exactly the same odds too?

This is perplexing.

Let's just forget I said anything at all.

Illinois-Shaped Corn Flake Goes for $1,350 on eBay

Predator Press

[LOBO]

I can’t believe this.

$1,350!?!

My dandruff flake shaped like Idaho hasn’t scored a single bid, and it's twice that size!

I mean, I could see if it was a Lucky Charm shaped like the Hubble telescope -or maybe even a string of Honeycombs that looked like the Laker Girls!

But a Corn Flake shaped like Illinois?

-It wasn’t even frosted!

I couldn't possibly imagine what Jesus would say.

Well, except maybe ...


Happy Easter!!!

How Would OJ Fare at Shark Boxing?

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Our hometown Pianosa now has an exit off of I-80, and is starting to take shape. It's the only town in Illinois that has both ski resorts and tropical beaches, and located smack between a Denny's and a Shell Station. It has further been statistically proven that on Saturday nights 14% of the people at the Shell station know the directions to Pianosa (the other 86% are only looking for directions to the Denny's).

I intend to change all this: I intend to make Pianosa the host of the first registered global exhibition match of a chum-soaked man in boxing gloves being pitted against a pissed-off 47' hungry Great White shark.

Shark Boxing promises to be the largest Man-Boxes-Shark Pay-Per-View event ever broadcast on network television.

We've named our Champion "Daisy."

And once again, Predator Press scienticians have stepped up: this time to answer that age-old burning question on everyone's mind, How would OJ Simpson fare at Shark Boxing?

At great expense to you, 'o Loyal Reader, we built a supercomputer that ran simulations of what would happen should OJ accept our challenge to take the $100 prize money.

See, because she weighs in at around 3 bone-crushing school busses, you immediately think the reigning champion Daisy has the advantage, right? Well, you forget that aside for being an all-around good guy, OJ Simpson is famous for only one thing: his athleticism. He's a Heisman Trophy winner. Sure that was a few years ago, but I'll bet he can still play basketball just as good.

Shockingly, after 17 kajillion separate identical simulations it turns out OJ wins the bout 98% of the time.

We showed Daisy the statistics, and she seemed unimpressed. In fact, one of our techs captured Daisy muttering something about OJ being a "stinky-faced poo-poo head."

I can't believe OJ is letting her get away with talking trash like that.

Ask LOBO

Predator Press

[LOBO]

People are always asking me, "LOBO, after a mere four years, you've blossomed Predator Press into the colossal juggernaut of a blog it is today. What's your secret?"

I always tell them the same thing I tell both of our readers. It all boils down to two things: Awareness, Determination, and above all Discipline.

"A.D.D." for short.

See, what most people don't realize is that blogging about something is exactly the same as actually doing it. Here you can pretty much say anything and everything in full confidence that a preponderance of lack-of-evidence to the contrary is virtually everywhere. You know how I blogged about having lost both arms when I was shot down in the Battle of Leyte Gulf? Well now the U.S. Navy blogs about sending me disability checks. And remember how LadyTerri and I got married last week? The miracle of blogging transformed our wedding from this:




Into this:




Don't believe me? Ask any successful blogger to show you their "To Do" list. It will look something like:


1) wake up turn on computer, blog

2) take lithium drink coffee, blog

3) go to work call off, blog

4) go to doctor appointment surf WebMD, blog

5) reschedule colonoscopy eat White Castles, blog

6) clean garage buy gasoline, matches and fire insurance, blog

7) give dog bath away, blog

8) make dinner Mac and Cheese, blog

9) spend quality time with family ask lazy freeloading moochers to bring you some Mac and Cheese, blog

10) sleep blog

Again, discipline is the key.

And if all else fails, include some pornography.

Predator Press “Self-Centered Cosmology” Theory Rejected by Scientists, Wife

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Heather Mills Nets 50 Million for Four Year Marriage

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Musical genius you are I say -but that’s
6.5 Ashley Alexandra Dupres a day!

[chorus]

It's a Diabolical Thing

Predator Press

[LOBO]

AS we can all see, the bravado of DONCO has been its own undoing: WITNESS the proof that Don possesses weapons of mass destruction!

Currently he is constructing a giant Death Dog so devastating, once complete it will launch state-of-the-art unimaginable human-melting horrors and patio furniture from its sides.

And not just any pooch: it's a Boston Terrier.

... I wouldn't want to be Boston right now.