With Malice of Thought

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"Let me get this straight," says Nurse Garrison, looking out at me over her glasses. "Lindsay Lohan lopped your arm off?"

"Check," I says.

"You realize that your insurance doesn't cover prosthetics."

"I thought you said we had Mr Insanity frozen in a block of carbonite."

"I did," says Nurse Garrison.

"Well, I don't really see him signing anything soon, do you?"

"You're a monster," she replies.

"Fuck off!" I says.

I hate HMOs.

Jedi Woodshed

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"LOBO," says Lindsay Lohan, extending her lightsaber. "You are plotting to use drugs to fund an intergalactic Empire, and thus have fallen to the Dark Side."

"Yeah, so?" I says. "What about the 'Grateful Dead'? And Pfizer? And Twinkies for that matter?"

"You may have beaten my Time-Traveling Ninja Bodyguards," she continues, "but I emailed George Lucas today; when he finds out about all these copyright infringements, he's gonna sue you down to your socks!" She rubs her thumb across her fingertips, and then blows on them. "Predator Press is finished."

"WHORE!" I scream, viciously swinging my, uh, 'lit up, pointy-stick' ...

Rock Bottom

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"What happened?" says me.

"I gave the FDA a sample of OxyCaine," says Ethan. "Two hours later, the FDA headquarters burned to the ground."

"Who's the guy in the cage?"

"That's Andrew C. von Eschenbach, M.D.," says Ethan. "The head of the FDA."

Andrew C. von Eschenbach, M.D., wearing nothing except a tie and an argyle sock on his left foot, reckognizes his name and peers out hopefully.

"Yech," says Ethan. "Make him put on some underwear before he pokes someone's eye out."

I reach into the cage, and scratch behind his ear. "He doesn't seem so bad."

"Well," says Ethan, "without his approval, we can't sell this crap."

"Who's a good boy?" I says in my puppy voice while scratching Andy's neck. "Why you are!" I says. I hold up some pills by his nose. "Iszoo gonna 'prove Ethan's feely-good pills?"

Drooling sloppily, Andy nodded an effusive yes.

"I gotta tell you Ethan," I says, tossing the pills into the corner of the cage as Andy bounded after them. "I don't think this is as complicated as you do."

This is Your Brain on Drugs and Ruining My Carpet

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

“Is it addictive?” asks the President of the Food and Drug Administration over the speaker.

“Not at all,” replies Ethan. “OxyCaine lodges itself in the pleasure center of the brain and, eh, 'improves the efficiency the circuitry’ if you will, on a completely permanent basis. Who would want to increase dosage for that?”

“Are there any side effects?”.

“No, no,” Ethan says into the speakerphone. “Other than feeling and acting like a pretentious ass all the time, an intense enormous 24-7 erection and losing ten pounds a month like it or not, there are no side effects whatsoever.”

There’s a brief silence.

Then finally, “Um, can I get some samples before I make my decision?”

Predator Press Interviews: Sheriff Lee Baca

Predator Press

LOBO: So you're the heroic cop that vainly tried to free our beloved Princess?

Baca: No, I'm not.

LOBO: You're not Sheriff Lee Baca?

Baca: Uh-uh.

LOBO: Hm. That's weird. You do look familiar though. Hey, aren't you that shaved Wookie that sold me that crappy Timeshare on Kashyyyk?

Baca: Nope. But for your information, throughout history the Timeshare has repeatedly demonstrated startling gains in equity.

LOBO: It was on a volcano.

Baca: I'll bet the view was spectacular.

LOBO: I hadda flush the toilet water every thirty minutes to keep it from boiling.

Baca: Look, I'm a Sheriff in Los Angeles. I can't just drop everything and fly to Kashyyyk every time a tenant has a plumbing issue.

LOBO: I thought you said you weren't Sheriff Lee Baca.

Baca: No I didn't.

LOBO: Ever heard of OxyCaine?

Baca: Nope. And it's absolutely legal to sell it to kids until I do.

LOBO: So what motivated you to free Paris?

Baca: I thought she was hot.

LOBO: So Sheriff, you're admitting on Predator Press that you that tend to pull people over in an effort to get dates?

Baca: Why are you calling me Sheriff?

LOBO: Ah, hm. Well, you got any interests or hobbies?

Baca: Well, I do occasionally umpire for Little League baseball. It's in my contract with Gillette.

My God

Predator Press

[LOBO]

What are you people, savages?

Just look at this poor woman, America's Princess, weeping and screaming as they illegally haul her to jail once again.

I must say I am shocked and appalled.

After all she's been through, it's right back into 'The Clink'? While scrawling out her own adorable little version of Mein Kampf, she will most certainly waste away like a petite flower denied sunshine and water! When I heard her pleading to her mother 'It's not right!', my heart just broke.

Speaking of Paris' mom, I can only imagine how awful this must be to endure. If it will at all ease her suffering, I'm publicly offering myself up for adoption to her for the duration. Nothing weird -I'm not wearing Paris' clothes or anything-but if Paris' mom needs the companionship provided by your offspring laying siege upon your refrigerator and always trying to borrow money, it seems the least I can do for a couple of weeks.

And think about it for a second: Paris will come out with an older brother to look up to!

We're with you, Paris' mom!

OxyCaine

Predator Press

[Mr Insanity]

"For the last time," says Ethan. "Were not moving the entire operation to Los Angeles. Have you any idea how expensive this would all be in California?"

"You are suffering from hopelessly antiquated thinking in this regard," says LOBO.

"Excuse me? Just yesterday, you were calling for open revolt!"

"I've changed my mind. If being too pretty, too famous, too rich, or too whiney counts as a legal defense, I'm all for it. Hell, I've got a whine that'll rip through your cerebral cortex like a pickaxe. Want to hear it?"

"Not particularly."

"Ethan, just think of all the money we would save in lawyer fees when we load up our cars with drugs and crash them repeatedly under the influence and without a license. That's the kind of selective enforcement that we need."

"But none of us do drugs!"

"Maybe that's a problem too," LOBO retorts. "Everyone who's anyone is doing drugs now. America has embraced it. It's very 'Chique'. We need to 'get with the times' so to speak."

"So you think we'll all be better off if we start doing cocaine."

"Cocaine," guffaws LOBO. "Cocaine is so passé only criminals use it anymore. I'm talking OxyContin, Ritalin, and Viagra."

"I can't believe you're s-"

"Wait!" LOBO interrupts. "What if we create 'Oxy-Caine'? Now that's a party."

"Lobo," says Ethan. "You've sunken to an all-new low. Get the hell out of my office."

"I'm just saying-"

"Out!"

LOBO, rolling his eyes, closed the office door quietly behind him as he left.

"Idiot," breathed Ethan aloud into his empty office. Then he pressed the button on his intercom.

"Phoebe?"

"Yes, Ethan," she replied.

"Is lobo gone?"

"Yes Ethan."

"Get me someone from Phizer Research and Development on the phone."