LOBOcop

Predator Press

[LOBO]

"LOBO" says the text.

"What?"

"CAN YOU READ THIS?"

"Well yeah," I respond.

"YOU DIED 50 YEARS AGO IN AN ELEVATOR, AND WE PUT YOUR FROZEN BRAIN IN A ROBOT BODY AS YOU REQUESTED."

"Well, can you please stop typing in these green upper caps?"

"NO. YOU OPTED FOR THE DOS PROTOTYPE."

"But I did get the hovershoes, right?"

"YES."

"And a spell checker?"

"YES. SPELLCHECK COMES STANDARD IN THE FUTURE."

"Can I go to Arbys?"

"ARBYS WAS DESTROYED IN 2019 BECAUSE THEY FORGOT YOUR FRIES AT THE DRIVE THRU. JUST THINK C:\WINDOWS\HISTORY\WWXI\ARBYHOLOCAUST\FLAVOR.EXE"

"Fuck that. This 'Fries' cache file is totally corrupted."

The Cube of Woe

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Man I was unbelievably pissed.

"Sir," squawks the technician over my cellphone. "It would be a lot easier to help you if you calmed down."

"Calm down?" I demand. "I'm going to die in this thing!"

"I highly doubt that sir. You said you already called the fire department, right?"

"Yes I did. I also called the police, the CIA, the FBI, FEMA and Interpol. How dare you unleash this poorly designed and untested -potentially lethal device- upon the unsuspecting public?"

"It's called an elevator, sir."

"It's a goddamned box of death, you quack! You people are the geometric equivalent of Comcast. Where'd you learn engineering, cosmetology school?"

"Sir, I assure you our engineers and technicians are highly qualified. But I'm only a customer service rep for Otis Elevators."

Inspecting the warning panel, I verify this: Otis Elevators is clearly marked right next to 'In Case of Emergency' and the 800 number I dialed.

"Well, let me talk to Otis."

"Excuse me?"

"Otis," I demand coolly. "Put that fucker on."

[muffled laughter]

"Uh, sir, -"

"I'm sorry. Did you say something? I can't hear you unless you're Otis!"

"Um," says the guy. "I'm Otis sir."

"Really?" I says.

"Yes sir. Now you said you already called the fire department. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Well it's pretty boring in here. And the fire department won't be here for another half an hour."

"You don't have a paperback or something?"

"No," I says glumly. "I even called Mandy."

"Mandy?"

"Yeah. It's scratched in the glass here. 'For a good time call Mandy'. She's actually a pretty decent cello player, but it was eating up my minutes."

"Sir, I've been running a satellite diagnostic on the elevator you're in and it's responding just fine. Which floor did you press?"

"Floor?"

"Yes sir. There are buttons you have to press with numbers that correspond with the floor you want to go to."

"No shit?"

"Yes sir. They should be right over the warning plaque."

"I'll be damned. Otis, you're a genius!"

"Thank you sir."

"Wow. They even light up!"

Real Estate

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Apartment hunting can be one long series of let-downs after another.

But as the guy that fills in when the Predator Press Copy Editor is sick, I figure I gotta think ferocious and big.

We have an image to keep up after all.

I rather liked this one. Despite the dust and the skeletons, I thought it would make a nice 'fixer-upper'. I'll bet if I went to the store and bought some flathead screwdrivers and then hired some people who knew how to use them, this place would have been top notch in no time.

If it wasn't for the commute, I might have gone for it.

Still, there are other pyramids.

This stately model was really attractive. I mean it's like Aztec or something. What better place to raise your kids, knowing full well that one day they must slay you that they may finally worship themselves instead?

I finally concluded that I didn't want to deal with all that lawn care and landscaping.

I finally settled on this place. I mean sure it's too small and the bathrooms smell funny: in real estate terms, that means "cozy" and "odorific".

Just look at all those kickass videogames.

And hello? A mechanical bull? I've always wanted a mechanical bull!

I can just imagine the tears of joy when LadyTerri finds out I got this cool place with a mechanical bull by merely cashing in our 401k.

She might even make pork chops.

The Proliferation of The Left

Predator Press

[LOBO]

According to ABC News, "Statistics show left-handed people are more likely to be schizophrenic, alcoholic, delinquent, dyslexic, and have Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis, as well as mental disabilities."

Further tedious statistics reveal that 7-10% of the human population consists of left-handers; this means one out of ten people are left handed.

But if we act quickly, we could totally wipe this seething hoard of freaks out all at once: at ten to one, in a span of mere days we could eradicate the soulless left-handed menace from the face of the Earth altogether.

I like to think it of it as us helping Darwin help God.

Rejection Coverage 2008

Predator Press

[LOBO]

This election -like any other- is goddamn boring, and I've finally figured out exactly why.

See, nobody really loses: there are absolutely no consequences for the flaccid, unimaginative narrow group America decides I'm free to vote for endlessly bugging me with their incessant crap.

There's always:

a) the person that wins the Whole Enchilada, and
b) a ton of leftovers getting tons of $ to make more mind-numbingly pointless and dull speeches.

We need one of those Presidential wanna-bees to be the capitol "L" LOSER so's we can dish out some payback ... and I say we beat that audacious and annoying prick into grainy paste over the next four years for even trying.

Make it a charity thing maybe. For instance, if you pay $1 to the March of Dimes, you get to kick Mike Huckabee in the ribs for Arkansas Amendment 2, "a constitutional amendment increasing the state sales tax 0.125% to improve the state's park system and natural resources".

0.125%? For providing bears a place to shit!?

... I don't even live in Arkansas, and I think that guy is a jerk.

Author's Note: This blog does not represent the ideas nor beliefs of the author, nor does it endorse the ill-treatment of Mike Huckabee.

Mike Huckabee was not harmed during the writing of this post.

Oops

Predator Press

[LOBO]

That whole last 'Hittites' post was actually supposed to be about Frank Lloyd Wright.

So at LadyTerri's request, I visited Doctor Viz-O-Quack, 'an that witch doctor prescribed me glasses like twin Hubble telescopes.

While wearing them makes my back hurt, I can now see how I have been so wrong:

I hate organic architecture, and I'm blind.

Author's Note: This blog does not represent the ideas nor beliefs of the author, nor does it endorse the ill-treatment of Frank Lloyd Wright.

No Frank Lloyd Wrights were harmed during the writing of this post.

A Good, Dead Hittite

Predator Press

[LOBO]

While not rubbing elbows with rock bands and committing insurance fraud, it's a little known fact that I'm a vehement racist.

I'll bet you never would have guessed that, but there it is.

I hate Hittites.

I hate them with a purple, venomous passion.

See, the Hittite kingdom is conventionally divided into three periods: the Old Hittite Kingdom (ca. 1750-1500 BC), the Middle Hittite Kingdom (ca. 1500-1430 BC) and the New Hittite Kingdom (the Hittite Empire proper, ca. 1430-1180 BC).

And I freakin hate all three of them. I mean they are dead, right? How the fuck great can you be if you're dead? Hm? I can, say, go make a pot of coffee. Would you Hittites like a cup of coffee? No? Oh, you're dead you say?

Well, HA HA.

More coffee for me.

And no, I don't think organizing a protest is a good idea ... I'll go Dustbuster on your ass.

We all know intuitively that red is bad, right? Well, just look at this satellite photo: see how bad these people are? I mean that is concentrated fucking evil: I hope the Sumerians kick the crap out of them!

Indo-Hittites are pretty cool, but unfortunately everytime I see cuneiform I just wanna puke 'cuz it reminds me of those lousy scumbag garden-variety Hittites. I'm nauseated I gotta breathe the same air they did! Blech. I can still taste Hittite crawling in this lousy air.

They oughta make anti-Hittite Febreeze.

Author's Note: This blog does not represent the ideas nor beliefs of the author, nor does it endorse the ill-treatment of the descendants of the noble Hittite.

No Hittites were harmed during the writing of this post.

Walk this Plank, Talk this Plank

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Two days ago, I totaled my first car.

See, here in Illinois it's like 70 degrees, and for January that's pretty damn freakishly weird.

But last September you were telling me I was a fool ejecting hair spray into the sky for hours on end. Remember? And you scoffed mercilessly as I planted those palm trees in a nice line up the driveway.

Well who's eating coconuts now, bitch?

So yeah. Eight inches of snow melted, and then it rained. It was explained to me later that the ground is still somewhat frozen, so the water really doesn't have anyplace to go. Water, it turns out, is a lot like teenagers: if it doesn't have anything to do, it looks for trouble. It comes home late. It makes excuses for not doing chores.

It wants to borrow the car.

So there I am just driving around this cool new lake that used to be a Super Kmart and something glinty caught my eye. -And not just any shiny object, mind you: this thing glittered and glowed like nothing I had ever seen before. My heart raced. What is this magnificent Thing? I asked myself. Maybe it's a fabulous gem. Or perhaps some lost Holy relic! I simply must have it.

It called and cooed to me in a sing-song melody:

"LOBO come get me,
and I'll make all your dreams come true.
Your friends will be so jealous!
Have I told you what a handsome bastard you are?"
Helplessly beguiled, I drove closer and faster ... only to find this magnificent and enchanting object to be four inches of exposed decorative chrome edging on the top of a completely submerged Aerosmith tour bus.

And as the water inched up waist deep in my own car, I realized the truth: my Japanese piece of crap was riddled with boyancy issues never once mentioned in Consumer Reports, and I had been wooed to my watery grave by siren song.


***
It was Steven Tyler himself who dove in and pulled me out, and after dragging me to the roof of the bus he tried to resuscitate me with CPR. Waking up with Steven Tyler kissing me was exactly as bad as I'd previously imagined it: while he had fresh, minty breath, I could not escape the mute horror of locking lips with perhaps billions of groupies and cheerleaders. I was almost certainly going to get a cold sore.

"Dude," says Brad Whitford. "Why did you do that? We were waving you off! We've been stranded here for three days."

It was then I decided to make my move. I immediately kicked Joe Perry in the neck, and then shoved Steven right into the waiting mouth of one of the circling alligators. Then diving past Brad, I gripped the exposed decorative chrome corner of the tour bus and unsuccessfully tried to wrest it free until we were rescued by the Coast Guard.


***
So here it is two days later, and everyone is mad at me. Me! After six used car lots LadyTerri is starting to fray at the edges a little too, and her anger redoubled when she got that weird cold sore. Without hesitation, she continues to barrage me with little nuggets of wisdom, like "What the fuck were you thinking?" and "How the hell did you get a Driver's License in the first place?"

I, conversely, have managed to stay upbeat. I will not be defeated by the simple total loss of a vehicle ... humans got along fine for dozens of years without cars, and this is no different!

Determined to go soak up some nice weather and sunshine, I put on my thong and rollerblades and decided to cruise around and do some exploration of the flooded and changing terrain. Maybe find some ice cream, you know? There's a bar about a mile away that always has a bunch of motorcycles in front of it, and all those guys taking time out of their busy schedules driving around and beating people up must mean that place has kickass ice cream. Maybe I'll regale 'em with the tale of how I just met Aerosmith!

I'll bring my boom box too: my copy of A Thousand Different Ways by Clay Aiken came in the mail two weeks ago, and I still haven't had a chance to check it out.

Doesn't ice cream sound good right now?

Dear John.com

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Having received the Cult of Qelqoth Anti-Award, everything is clear to me now.

Many of you have been reading other blogs. Hell, some of the worst of you offenders have been writing them! There are now more blogs out there than body parts on the field the year those lepers went to the Superbowl.

I am shocked and appalled at this discovery.

I thought we had something special.

Well consider this you blog floozies: Will those other blogs tuck you in at night after a bedtime story? Or hold your head in the sink while you are puking MargaRitas and Chex Party Mix? Will they provide numerous accounts in excruciating detail of the Stock Market Crash of 2014, and how it will subsequently lead to World War VI and VIII? Mark my words: Even as Al Gore's fourth head wails the battle cry, "Tonight we dine in temperatures suitable to sustain life!" I will personally be far from the battlefield safely documenting it from his office, occasionally shuffling random papers on his desk and doing obscene things to his paperweight Cheney skull.

And you know what? You're not as clever as you think you are either. One night when you said you were just browsing eBay and Wikipedia, I knew something was up so I hired a private detective to hide in your closet. Don't believe me? He hasn't transmitted anything since October, so I figure he is probably the skeleton with a webcam immediately behind the gray overcoat. Go ahead and look. I’ll wait. See? There you are. Try not to be in so much of a hurry next time you shave ... you get better results.

SO after all we've been through, this is the thanks I get? Why don’t you just rip my heart out, roll it around in salted glass and thumbtacks and then flush it down a non-hygenic sulfuric acid toilet?

Don't say anything. Just go.

And no, I am not crying.

I've just got something in my eye.

The Phantom Membership

Predator Press

[LOBO]


Episode IVXIv.2

The Empire Strikes Out


President Bush called General Petraeus.

"You want me to bomb a city in the continental US?" asks Petraeus incredulously.

"And how," says Bush.

"And not one in New Jersey?"

"Nope. Pianosa, Illinois."

"Why sir?"

"It's our secret weapon to get the Republicans back in office, disguised as part of a new strategy in our War on Terror. Who's going to screw with us if we're so crazy we'll nuke ourselves?"

"Good point sir."

Cycling through his monitors, Bush finds his guy. "General!" he says excited. "That guy right there. Sector 754XA5."

"You mean the guy sleeping in his car at Cardinal Fitness?"

"No one will miss a loser like that." Bush squints at the screen. "Ugh ... from the looks of it, we'll be doin that poor bastard a favor."

"Still, what with nuclear fallout and all, I would suggest something a little more suitable to the scale of the threat."

"Like a giant robot crocodile?"

"No sir. Like a surgical strike. A platoon of tanks maybe."

"Oh god no. Have you seen the price of gas lately? I like the 'Giant Robot Crocodile' idea better."

"Yes, well-"

"It'll come up out of Lake Michigan, and seek out Terror with X-Ray vision, and smash it with the Tail of Liberty. Bam! Bam!"

"Well, while I understand your enthusiasm--"

"BOOM!"

"--I would still go with the tanks."

"General, this is the dawn of the Twentieth Centurion. Unless they hover, tanks are boring."

"We don't have a giant robot crocodile sir. The Liberals scuttled the budget in 2005."

Bush sighed audibly into the phone. "Just how many damn schools do I have to build before I get a giant robot crocodile that fights Terror?"

There's a long pause. "I don't know sir," the General finally answered.

"Why can't we nuke it again?"

"Because it's American soil sir."

"Is it New Jersey?"

"No sir. It's Pianosa, Illinois. Look," says Petraeus, exasperated. "We could put streamers and sparklers on the tanks. Then it would look cool as we bomb that prick into the Mesozoic."

"Like a parade!"

"Yes sir. A really loud and pissed-off parade."

"All right General," says Bush. "Make it so."


***

The 99th Battalion left Decatur Illinois at precisely 3:17am, and stopped to refuel in Bloomington, Schaumburg, Danville and Arlington Heights before anyone realized that they had no idea where Pianosa was.

This single blunder took up 18% of the entire annual military budget.

Due to this -and the Vast Liberal Conspiracy- the Terror-Fighting Robot Crocodile Project would never get off the ground.

BLOG WARS

Predator Press

[LOBO]



Episode IVXIv.1b

A New Dope


On day six, I woke with a screaming headache.

Wincing, I pull open the curtains. The sun immediately sears itself into my brain.

I scream.

LadyTerri, phone pressed to her ear, rushes in. "What the hell happened?"

Holding the back of my head, I whine. "I don't know. I'm thinking maybe we should lay off my Jedi training for a while."

"You mean the training where you have to try to dodge me as I try to hit you with a frying pan?" She switches the phone to the other ear.

"The helmet helps. But with the blast shield down, I can't even see." Rubbing my throbbing temples, I look at her. "Who's on the phone?"

"I'm on the phone with the doctor for the results of your physical."

"My what?"

She dismisses me with her hand. "Yes Doctor I. M. Nyarlathotep? He's fine for the fitness training?"

What the hell?

"Yes sir. I'm glad you all got a good laugh too," she continues. Pressing a button, she sets the phone on the table. Looking at me with some resignation she says, "Well, you're all set."

"Please elaborate," I says.

"For the fitness training program. You got approved."

Desperately, I searched my deeply-receded memory. The last thing I remember is going to church yesterday. I decided that my Chi needed some cleansing before I engage in the Holy War that is to come, and for a mere $1000 donation, the Catholic Church rushed me to the top of the list: I was issued a cross and four gallons of holy water almost immediately.

Peeking out the window a little more carefully, I survey the landscape. I see playing children and unkicked puppies. There are no panzer tanks in the driveway.

We must still be winning

"What happened after church?" I ask cautiously.

"Before or after you drank four gallons worth of Holy Daiquiris?"

"After," I reply, slowly putting things together.

"I'm not really sure. You swore a slurry oath to exact revenge upon someone and avenge something ... I don't know. Then you got frustrated because the police, fire department and newspapers kept hanging up on you."

... Traitors.

"And then you took off and signed up for a Premium membership at Cardinal Fitness."

"I thought he was offering mass!" I protest.

"Your trainer is supposed to give you an orientation in fifteen minutes."

"My trainer? Oh Jesus Christ. Please tell me you're joking. Honey, I've worked a long time to get this fantastic physique. I'm not gonna go ruin all that by going to a gym."

"You gave him a $500 retainer."

I scream again.


***

My "trainer", it turns out, is none other than Jimmy Orlando.

"Hey, don't you work for me?" I says sitting at his immaculate desk.

"Your payroll checks never cleared," he replies coolly.

"Well you never worked!"

He slides a paper under my nose. "LOBO, look. Just sign the goddamn waiver so we can get this over with."

"Fine," I sneer. Determined to not show any pain, I struggle against the weight of the pen and nonchalantly draw an 'X'. "How long is the tour?" I says, huffing slightly.

"About 45 minutes."

"You people are fucking monsters," I says. "We'll have to break this into two or three sessions. You do have cots, right?"

"No, Jar Jar" he grins.

"Well, can I have my steroids now please?"