Exclusive: Larry Craig is Not Gay

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Hurry Larry!  The Final Jeopardy
Round Countdown Music is playing!

When I came across this picture, it all became clear.

Senator Larry Craig really isn't gay!

As a senator, Craig gives a lot of impassioned, authoritative and important speeches, right? He's under a lot of pressure. And when you stand in front of a podium, it does kinda resemble a urinal.

Now look at the picture again. See how he conspicuously avoids contact with the numerous phallics available? Hell, even Senator Patty Murray is squirmy!

Maybe he's in the bathroom, and suddenly needs to make a speech? Or what if one whiff of that urinal cake makes him regress into a state of seething, squirty debauched lizard-like cesspool of amorous desire, ready to penetrate virtually anything on two legs.

But he's not a lawyer, he's a politician.

Every last one of you "rushing to judgment" over a married homophobic father who tried to engage in a random sexual encounter with a stranger of the same sex in an airport bathroom should be ashamed of yourselves. Seriously. "Let He Without Sin Roll the First Stone."

I know it's only August, but this brave soldier has gone through a lot to beat out Paris Hilton and Michael Vick to earn my nod as the Predator Press Man of the Year.

(--and if those pricks at TIME Magazine steal any more of my ideas, I'm going to send them a really nasty email!)

Entertainer Avoids Rehab, Meltdown, DUI, Suicide

Predator Press

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At first we thought this was
a joke, but we checked it out.

WTG Betty White!

Richard Jewell: They Can't All Be Gems

Predator Press

Richard Jewell, we barely knew you.

Michael Vick Sends Larry Craig Fruit Basket

Predator Press

"Oh Jesus God thank you Senator Craig. Am I crying?
Oh my God I'm crying. Thank you sweet Jesus!"

Jesus: Michael Vick found WHO?

Predator Press

Jesus: LOBO.

LOBO: Oh holy crap. Jesus Christ, it's like 4 in the morning!

Jesus: Wake up and experience your VISION.

LOBO: I told you LAST time I only want visions after 10:00am.

Jesus: I know. But this one is really important.

LOBO: Like those bogus football picks you gave me last year? I lost everything I had except these lousy shares of Predator Press.

Jesus: Which kept both Ethan and Babs from taking over, right? Now your life is a Hellbound hedonistic adventure of being constantly wooed by rich, smarmy screwballs for controlling interest of the company.

LOBO: Yeah. Thanks. But seriously, you could call first.

Jesus: I heard Michael Vick 'found' Me today.

LOBO: Yeah well, so did David 'Son of Sam' Berkowitz. Let's just say when it comes to getting 'found,' Waldo's got you boned.

Jesus: Don't you think people 'finding' me after acts of unconscionable evil makes a mockery of my teachings and followers?

LOBO: I'll say. But without 'Forgiveness', there's no real motivation to straighten yourself up, is there? What's the point if there's no hope? And frankly, the Bible is chocked FULL of dismembered mutton.

Jesus: I think Michael Vick should seek forgiveness from Anubis first. THEN he should check with Me.

LOBO: So you're goin' Old Testament on his ass?

Jesus: Probably not.

LOBO: Jesus, I don't get it. At least a butcher kills something quickly. This guy got animals hacked up, and then melted them alive. Who wants to be in an 'afterlife' with monsters like that?

Jesus: We've got a different Heaven for David Berkowitz and Michael Vick.

LOBO: Really?

Jesus: Same Heaven really. But their servers all crash every 12-24 minutes.

How to Break Up With Gods

Predator Press

Dear Medusa,

I can't do this anymore.

It's not really about the obsession with sculpture, the bloody dandruff, or the thick scales stuck in the soap bar; I just really think we should start spitting and hissing at other people.

I will always remember the good times -like that time we tickled Sisyphus until he dropped his rock and he hadda start History all over- but we've grown in different directions, and I want my half of the direction our music collection has taken. And my Dean Koontz paperbacks.

We're just too different. I think we should just be friends. And I'm not good enough for you . . . you need to find someone who will treat you like you deserve being treated for.

It's not you; it's me.

Don't come by unexpectedly; my new girlfriend has a 'thing' for blindfolded mongooses.

Your Friend Always,

LOBO

Why Men Don't Talk

Predator Press

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"What do you mean 'where did I learn the Gale of a Million Butterflies?'" I says. "It's in the Kama Sutra. You know, history?"

Medusa spat and hissed.

"I happen to read a lot of history!"

Reminders

Predator Press

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China Offers Michael Vick Pet Food Endorsements

Predator Press

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"In promotion of our high moral standards and the wholesome nutritional value of our perfectly safe products," says corporate spokesman Chin Yan, "we feel that Michael Vick is ideal. And you won't hear any of our dogs complaining about it, either."

Transmission

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Amused, I had that 'Babel Fish' link translate the last post into Greek.

Then, just for kicks, I had it reverse-translate my stuff back to English.

Here's how it came out:


***

Ask LOBO

See Aphrodite Topless

Zeus' lightning bolts arched across the violent sky and sunk into the fiery horizon; you couldn't tell if it was day or night for days.

But I thought Medusa was really interesting. Of course, this only confused Medusa; most men who have looked Medusa in the eye turn to cold stone.

"Wow Medusa," I says. "Nice rack."

Medusa hissed and spat.

"Really?" I says. "Yeah, Day Care can be a real pain in the ass. 'Specially when you lay like 800 eggs at a squat."

Using her tail, she hurls a 2 ton stone Roman dumbass right at me. Fuckin thing shatters into a billion pieces.

"Of course I love you for your mind!" I says. "Seriously. Have you been working out?"

Ask LOBO

Predator Press

Dear LOBO,

Why is the White House Press Secretary Tony Snow stepping down after only a few months?

Ben T.,
South Bend, Indiana


Well, I'm glad you asked this Bob.

I've already heard Liberals joking like What's eating the yellow Snow?, and frankly, I consider this the apex of partisan tastelessness; our noble Reich of Patriot Conservatives are only engaged in the compassionate act of protecting us and our neighbors from worshiping false gods and idolatry in an effort to bring them the One True Lord and Savior: Jesus Christ.

The act of using poor people to kill other poor people is a tradition deeply-rooted in global history, and it's very selfless if you think about it: America has been around for a long time, and smiting godless infidels is a tough job often requiring deception, exploitation and decimation of it's own population.

And yes being smoten has the occasional tendency to feel uncomfortable and awkward. But if all those other stupid warlike, unstable cultures would just peacefully accept our obvious moral superiority and priceless Freedom, we could've avoided virtually every instance of smotion in the first place! It's their fault we gotta do all this.

So when you hear those godless infidel Liberals bashing the Bush Administration, don't lower yourself to their level. The truth is, when Predator Press considered offering Tony Snow a job, we determined he was almost too good: he only needed a few months to help the Bush Administration explain God's Will. But you don't need to explain yourself through a 'Press Secretary' when you are doing God's Will, right? Apparently, we intend to be around explaining God's Will a lot longer than the White House.

One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and I will all be standing next to Jesus in Heaven, looking down upon all these alarmist smarty-pants hippies. And as Satan splays their steamy, hissing entrails into the Lake of Fire, sodomizing their Pituitary glands with non-sterilized white-hot pokers while playing scratchy Black Sabbath records that frequently skip, we'll all just laugh and laugh and laugh.